2

Day 12: Week Two Weigh-in Day

I met with my lovely Cambridge consultant Mandy King – check out her Facebook page for lots of cool inspirations. When I told Mandy that I have been very stressed and under a lot of pressure this week, going to bed this morning after 3.30 am to awake at 6 and to my surprise instead of weight loss stalling like it normally does for me with build-up of stress hormones, I have magically lost weight. She replied that if I stick to the diet, it will work. It works for everyone and I cannot be the one person it won’t work for. Hell no, I won’t be. That last bit is mine, not Mandy’s…

Things are still crazily bad in my life but I am under control with my diet and I’m still sticking to it 100%. If I keep harping on about 100%, please forgive me, teachers’ pet syndrome.

Week two’s verdict: Current weight 117 kg, weekly loss of 1.9 kg (4.2 pounds); total loss; 7.4 kg (16.3 pounds)

So here’s to week three of this magical weight loss plan.

new body under construction

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3

When your world caves in without warning…

Say fuck-you right back by losing a stone in 10 days.

I haven’t written in my blog for some days but I am still very much keeping to my diet 100%. I hit my first stone on the Cambridge diet today. I have now lost 6.7kg.

I am extremely proud of myself for sticking to the diet 100% because my world as I know it is crumbling all around me. It has all gone disastrously wrong without any warning whatsoever. There have been countless crying, angry and hurt words, and sleepless nights. I am physically and emotionally drained.

The pre-Cambridge me would have been drowning in chocolates, takeaways, restaurants, very expensive and seriously yummy bread and baked goods from somewhere lovely like Daylesford and I would have used my breaking heart as an excuse to console myself with food, lots of it, the worse for me, the better. My retail therapy would most certainly have entailed buying very expensive chocolates, lying in bed and eating them all.

Not this time. Not any more.

Nothing and no one will derail this diet but myself and right now, I have zero intentions of self-sabotaging. I hope this resolve continues. It’s not really so much about willpower or mentally sorting out the screwed part of my head that uses food as comfort, it’s more about the fact that there is no hunger or craving on the Cambridge diet. OK, I miss my favourite meats especially roast lamb, (and lots of it!) and I have rationalised that if I really want to, I could treat myself to lamb at Easter without kicking myself out of ketosis. But even with the sleepless nights, there have been no cravings for carbs.

So life has hit me with a serious curveball and instead of the destructive and vicious cycle of weight gain, I bought myself some flowers…even though they sent the wrong bunch. I’m also excitedly awaiting delivery of a new non-stick pan for omelettes. I suspect I will be having omelettes again tonight, for the third night in a roll.

Rock and roll.

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2

I’m Coming Out…

Day 6

This morning I weighed and I hadn’t lost anything for the first time in five days of this diet but instead, I have gained 0.2kg. You know what, I won’t sweat it. I’m embracing the fact that so far, I have lost over 11 pounds in 5 full days on the diet. That’s something very positive. Weight fluctuates, the body retains water, I am still on my period, I might have lost fat and retained water, there are all sorts of reasons why I might not have lost weight. The important thing is that I have stuck to the diet 100% every day since I started. This diet works for other people, it will work for me. This time next week, I want to have hit the one stone mark or be very near it.

For someone that has gained weight, albeit, very small, I am surprising chirper. In fact, prior to writing this, I was blasting music loudly and dancing to Diana Ross’ “I’m Coming Out”. I’m alone in the house and I played it a few times.

Given that all I have “eaten” all day is Cambridge porridge in the morning (149 calories), milk allowance, (144), soup for lunch (141 calories) and so far, 2700 ml of water, where is all this energy coming from?

I think there is only one thing for it. Could I have already been proven wrong? Could that pale colour on a stick this morning with me half asleep be what I think it is? Surely there could only be one reason for the energy and good mood.

I think, I hope, I’m fairly sure that I’m in K.E.T.O.S.I.S! Yeah baby.

I’ve always thought the Diana Ross’ song is about coming out of the closet but today, it takes on new empowering meaning as I really listen to the lyrics and music, posted below. As I chip away the fat, I am truly coming out.

World, are you ready? Ready or not here I come…

I’m coming out
I’m coming
I’m coming out
I’m coming out
I’m coming out

I’m coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I’m coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

There’s a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I wanna give
I’m completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I’ll make it through

The time has come for me
To break out of this shell
I have to shout
That I am coming out

I’m coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show
I’m coming
I’m (coming out) coming
(I want the world to know)
(I got to let it show)

I’ve got to show the world
All that I wanna be
And all my abilities
There’s so much more to me
Somehow, I have to make them
Just understand
I got it well in hand
And, oh, how I’ve planned
I’m spreadin’ love
There is no need to fear
And I just feel so good
Everytime I hear

I’m coming out
Coming
(I want the world to know)
(I got to let it show)
I’m coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

I’m coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show

0

Day 5 – Friday Official Weigh-In Day

I’ve now been on the Cambridge Diet for four full days. I seem to have settled into the diet. The hunger pangs have disappeared and I seem to force myself to eat, rather than eating out of hunger. I already feel a difference; my legs feel lighter and the top that I have been using to weigh with my consultant feels looser.

Even though I only started on Monday, this morning, I had my official weigh-in with my lovely Cambridge consultant because we had decided to make Fridays our meeting days.

I am thrilled to report that in four days, I have lost 5.5 kg, that is, 12 pounds. I am two pounds away from losing my first stone.

H.A.P.P.Y

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Day 3

Day two was my hungry day. I hadn’t been hungry ever in 7 years of low carb diets. It felt very strange to be hungry and I didn’t like that feeling. I worried I would never get into ketosis on such high levels of carbs as the Cambridge but perhaps I should just take a chill pill, go with the flow and stay positive it might just work.

I’m the first to admit that I like Science, I like Logic, I can’t just accept a simple yes it will work, I want to know why. That’s what happens when you have been dieting all of your adult life (forgetting about that first diet at age 9). Perhaps I should say dieting and failing for 23 years, becoming so completely aware of my body, what works and doesn’t work for me. I am yet to meet anyone as sensitive to weight gain as myself…perhaps if one day, you stumble upon this blog, you could be kind enough to leave me some positive thoughts.

Today has been OK. I miss food. Not the bad stuff that got me fat, I miss the sort of food that I never gain weight on. Generous helpings of low GI salads bursting with flavours, colours and goodness. Big chunks of meat that I can stick my teeth, yummy succulent oven baked spatchcock, chicken legs, juicy steam, roast lamb seasoned with rosemary and garlic. Mmm.

Back to planet earth.

Day 2 Report: 100%. I should pat myself in the back again but that’s already old.Did I mention I’ve been sensitive and moody?

Water: 3.6 l; milk 0.425 l

Breakfast – same as yesterday.

Lunch – Chocolate Mint Shake which was refreshing and lovely. Next time, I will try this as a hot drink.

Dinner – Oriental Chilli soup which was good but not as nice as the Chicken and Mushroom soup

After dinner – Strawberry shake. I thought I would like this because the once or twice I’d ever had milkshake over two decades ago, I had strawberry. This one was somewhat powdery, a bit chemical tasting and I won’t be buying it again.

Day 3 Report: On target for 100%.

Breakfast – Original Porridge and I added some cinnamon. I was so sure that I would not like this as I dislike the sliminess of real porridge but my little sister convinced me to give it a try. Game changer. Loved it. Here’s a photo, it was nice and thicker than some I’ve seen online because I used DualDynamics’s recipe

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Lunch – Mushroom soup. This was just OK, didn’t wow me.

Dinner – I made prawns stir fried with garlic, chilli and basil, served with salad.

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After Dinner – Coming up…Cappucino shake. I think I’ll have this hot…

Oh and I lost 0.9 kg today making it a total of 3.4 kg in two days. Little voice keeps whispering OK but I lost 4.6 kg in first two days of my January 2015 low carbing. Get over it woman.

In other news, watching Eastenders as I type this and I could have sworn that during the Live bits, Tanya said, “How’s Adam?” I wonder if she meant Ian? And if you haven’t got a clue what I’m on about, the real name of the actor who plays Ian Beale is Adam.

Time to switch off the TV. Baking programme. Food everywhere I look. Have a shake woman.

0

I Survived Day One of the Cambridge Diet – Step 2

A bit dramatic to say that I survived day one, as it really wasn’t that bad. I felt a little cold, light-headed and tired, but it might have had something to do with the extended  “last suppers”; the carb porn of the previous weekend as I worked my way through some of my favourite foods in mental preparation for 6 months on Cambridge.

And naturally, it was also Valentine’s Day, like I needed an excuse to indulge in seriously yummy Godiva chocolates. Perhaps those two glasses of champagne on Sunday night weren’t my brightest idea…

Given the carb fest in the days before starting the diet, I was pleasantly surprised that I did not get the usual carb withdrawal headaches I normally get when I start a low carb diet. Perhaps because Step 2 of the Cambridge diet isn’t as low carb as my usual low carb diets where I eat between 20 g to 40 g of carbs. I suspect I have zero chance of getting into ketosis on the Cambridge but I have my strip ketone ready and will test in a few days. See below.

I digress.

Day One Report Summary

100%. I rock. Pats own back.

Water: 3600 ml which I track on a water app

425 ml of skimmed a whooping 21.3 g of carbs

Breakfast

Two cups of fresh coffee with skimmed milk and cinnamon, two boiled eggs, 80 g of salad. This was a bit bland and whilst I have had eggs and salad for Atkins-like low carb diets, the olive oil with those make a difference. Also, those types of diets allowed generous helpings of low GI salad. I was surprised at how woefully small 80 g of salad was.

Lunch

Chocolate Shake – I made this with 227ml of water plus lots of crushed ice, perhaps too much of the latter as it was very thick and a bit watered down, I think, given I don’t know what it is supposed to taste like. I need to give this shake another go with less ice or even as a hot drink.

2015-02-17 13.57.33

Dinner

Chicken and mushroom soup. I found this seriously yummy.

After Dinner

Lactose-free Vanilla shake. This was very lovely too.

Total Calories 787; Total Carbs 64.7g; Total protein 73.6g

TMI Alert!

Wee: Probably stopped counting at no 9!

This morning, I had lost 2.5 kg. I was beyond thrilled as I figured that it was the most weight I had ever lost in any diet ever…until I looked at my diary entry for 6th January, 2015 where I had lost 2.9 kg on a low carb diet I had designed for myself. For a few seconds, I hungered after low carb diet full of low GI vegetables, berries, lean meat, olive oil….compared with shakes and soups, as lovely as they are. But like my lovely little sister reminded me this morning, every diet is different. I’ve also never drank as much water as I did yesterday on any diet or pee.ed as much! The reality though is that the strictness of the Cambridge is good for me and if my diet was that great, I would have stuck to it.

I can do this. I can totally do this.

4

Chipping Away the Fat

I am fat. I know that I am fat. In fact, if we must get technical, I am super morbidly obese.

If I do not do something about my excessive weight, it will kill me. Every part of my body is struggling under the bulk of the massive body fat that I log along. The excessive weight means that I can barely walk, my legs feel like heavy lead. The little mobility I can muster has been hugely diminished by the excess weight. I am in severe agony from spinal/back problems which are no doubt exacerbated by the excessive weight. Every part of me feels sluggish and in pain.

Something has to give.

Something has to change.

Soon.

Drastically.

Now.

The good news is that I am doing something about it. I have tried to do “something” about my weight on countless other occasions. I am a 41 year old woman. I went on my first diet aged 9 which is a sure-fire way to have food issues but this blog isn’t about blame or making excuses. I am the master of my own destiny…or something to that effect. Hand to mouth equals weight gain…perhaps overly simplistic but let’s not go there right now.

Every diet you can imagine, I have been on it, some with some successes, and some with some spectacular failures. The main thing is that even when I fail, I try again because giving up is not an option.

In 2004, I married the love of my life. For our wedding, I embarked on a weight loss programme I designed for myself and lost 3 and a half stones. It took me a year and one month. I was counting calories, eating low fat foods, eating less than 1500 calories daily. I also worked hard in the gym, a magnificent 5 times a week. I would come home from working long hours in a very stressful full time job, and having already spent an hour in the gym (first thing in the morning before starting work) and would get on the floor to do sit ups, press-ups, yoga. Weekends were also spent doing floor exercises. It was hell but I was thrilled with the weight loss.

Clearly that level of exercising and restrictive dieting was not sustainable…as well as having a life. I put on a stone on our two weeks honeymoon. In the first 5 months of marital bliss, I put on 4 stones eating “healthy” food.

I would make various attempts to lose weight by eating healthy low fat diets with very little success. I have maintained food diaries for over a decade and various NHS dieticians would examine these diaries finding it incomprehensible that I was gaining weight or failing to lose weight. They probably secretly thought I was munching away on chocolates and faking the diary entries. I wasn’t. Really. I really wasn’t.

In 2008, I discovered that I have PCOS which makes losing weight difficult and means that if I as much as look at a cake with lust, never mind giving in to temptation, I’m guaranteed at least a 1 kg of weight gain the next day. And if I eat pizza, game over.

The solution given to me by the private consultant we saw for two failed IVF cycles was to accept that PCOS meant that I would always be overweight. Seriously? I was 35 and was being told that I was doomed to be fat for the rest of my life, however long (or more likely short) that life would be. Said dreadfully bad private doctor would refuse us further IVF treatment without significant weight loss of about 6 stones even though he was happy to collect fees for the first two cycles and yet, the only solution he could offer was to accept being fat.

Months later when I had had some weight loss successes without any help from him or anyone else in the medical profession, on low carb diets, he would casually offer:

“Yes, low carb diets work well for people with PCOS”.

Yes, thanks for that Sherlock. Shame you hadn’t offered that nugget of wisdom a year ago. It could have saved me anguish and better directed my research on the subject.

The PCOS diagnosis meant that I finally had something to work on. I embarked on countless research and discovered low carb way of eating. It was revolutionary. I finally found out why low fat diets with meat, potatoes and two veg never worked for me without killing myself like I did for my wedding. My body has a severe resistance to carbs.

In August 2008, armed with all the books and online research I could get my hands on, I designed various low carb, low GI diets and started the slow process that meant a loss of six and a half stones by August 2011. I even stayed on plan and wasn’t derailed by a plateau that lasted for four long months. WTF.

The weight loss followed 6 further failed IVF cycles, two early miscarriages, with slight increases in weight following each unsuccessful IVF cycle where I would go on carb porn to supposedly console myself from another failed chance to have a baby.

But I had discovered low carb. I could keep things in control and nip weight gains in the bud. And then 2014 happened. My annus horribolis. The most tremendously horrible year that meant that I was so desperately trying to retain any semblance of sanity, avoid being hospitalised for stress and (another) mental breakdown, fighting to stay mentally and physically healthy, gaining weight became the least of my worries. By the end of 2014, I had gained four stones.

I am utterly and completely ashamed to admit that as of this morning, I have put on all but half a stone of my 6 and a half stones weight loss of August 2011.

This blog is about getting up from rock bottom and trying again. Technically, being 6 and a half stones heavier than I was four years ago wasn’t really my rock bottom, I had been even heavier.

This blog is not about making excuses for my weight gains. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Shit happens. Shit happened. Deal with shit or drown with shit but don’t gain weight. Let that be the one thing I get to have some control in my life. Having said all that, it is easy for the current day me, in a good head space, to preach to the past me. So enough already with the preaching. What matters is what happens now. Let’s just get on with it.

Today, I started the Cambridge Diet on Step 2, 810 calories. I have resisted this diet for so long even though I have a friend who lost 10 stones in 8 months.

Today I embraced the extreme in diets as I know it. This chick who for so long has put myself on fertility diets and healthy low carb diets that mean that at age 41, I am more fertile than I was at age 35, has finally accepted that desperate times call for desperate measures.

If I devote to the Cambridge 100% and it doesn’t work for me, then I am totally screwed.

It will work. I’ve got to believe that it will work. I am desperate to have a baby with my lovely husband. I am 41 years old and I haven’t got three years to spare to lose the weight, hence the Cambridge diet.

Michelangelo was once asked the secret of making his beautiful sculptures. He replied that he just chipped away the part of the stone that wasn’t the sculpture to reveal the angel within.

And like those beautiful sculptures, hidden deeply underneath the massively fat exterior that is my current super obese body, is the beautiful, slim *me*, begging to be released. Like Michelangelo, I will chip away the fat to reveal the beautiful slim person screaming to come out.

This morning I weighed a horrendously massive 124.4 kg….123.8 kg in my nightie but let’s stick to the dressed up weight. I am only 5 ft 3.

Today I will start to chip away my fat, one pound at a time.

Clichéd, yes but the only way is up…or should I say down.

Chipping away fat