Warning: This is a long, depressing post!
I haven’t written for some days because I only want to write dark things. But you know what, better out than in. You can always skip to the end of the post for bits on my weight loss diet!
Like the song goes, love don’t live here any more.
Exactly eight weeks today, sitting alone in the beautiful house I have lived with my husband for 11 (very) happy years, (well, I thought they were happy), trawling through a laptop, I found out things that have completely devastated my life.
The last 8 weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions and countless heartbreaking and hurtful revelations that would have made a less strong person find a tall building and jump off. Every time that I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they are topped by even worse things.
And then Saturday night happened.
This was off the scale craptastic. You couldn’t make this shit up. I unconsciously pinch myself to wake up from the nightmares I find myself.
It has finally dawned on me that the wonderful, smart, intelligent, thoughtful, considerate, kind, loving, caring, gentle, fun, saintly man that I loved has truly gone. Like some sick computer upgrade or twisted sci fi movie, his body has been invaded by VersionX – a cruel, evil, deceitful, erratic, lying, cheating, unpredictable, secretive, unintelligent, unthinking, uncaring scum bag.
My man is gone, replaced by a complete stranger.
My life has imploded all around me.
I am completely overwhelmed by all the things I have to do; things I have to learn to do; things I have to change; things I have to adapt to. My to-do list seems unending. My mantra for today is inhale, exhale, just breathe.
I am also completely overwhelmed by the sense of loss and grief that I feel.
It isn’t just my marriage of nearly 11 years exploding all around me. I have lost my best friend in the whole world. I have lost the love of my life. I have lost all hopes and plans for a future with someone who has never spent more than 5 days at any one time away from me in over 14 years. Someone who only a few weeks ago was telling me I was the ying to his yang, his world would be incomplete without me, I was his world.
It has all been a lie.
I never knew there could be pain like this
I never knew betrayal could hurt this badly
I never knew trust could be smashed this badly
I never knew everything that was before
I never knew they meant so little
I never knew I could count for so little
I never knew my life had all been a lie
I never knew I could be discarded so easily
I never knew I loved and laid with a stranger
I never knew a lot by the sound of things
I never knew…but now I bloody know.
Through all that darkness, I have stuck to the diet 100%.
Even on days that I have laid in bed all day and cried, following nights that I laid awake and cried all night, I would still force down 4 litres of water, tapping diligently on my water app. Even when I had no appetite whatsoever, I would eat three Cambridge products and drag myself downstairs to boil two eggs, 80g of salad and drink my 300ml milk requirement.
I wouldn’t recommend this heartbreak diet but given that my life has been shit for exactly 8 weeks, almost the duration of this diet, (nine weeks and one day), it would be extremely silly to give up now and stuff my face with junk food.
Nope, still not doing that. Life sucks but being fat sucks too.