Day 84 – I’ve Never Known Pain Like This…:-(

This is a weight loss blog but real life happens and through all the hell, I am staying 100% on my diet.

I have chosen to be completely honest in this blog. Every time I post, I will post whatever is on my mind. One day, in some years, however my life has panned out, I will look back at this diary as a true account of my darkest and bleakest days.

I won’t fake it by writing anything I’m not feeling.

I won’t pretend to be OK.

I am not OK.

I am devastated, traumatised, still in deep shock, crushed, sad, depressed, confused.

I have never felt pain like this which is not only emotional but also manifests physically.

I have been abandoned by the man I loved and trusted implicitly with my life.

sometimes you fall down

Last night, I had a lovely chat with my sister who lives in the US and who has been an amazing source of support. What she doesn’t know is that at 1 am, I was still sitting on the sofa I had sourced after careful measurements by my husband and I, to map out a perfect room, and I sat there and cried out loud like a baby.

I thought I was done crying but there I was, alone, crying inconsolably.

My marriage has ended in the most unimaginably painful and cruel way. I haven’t seen my husband since 18th April and for 10 of those days, he was abroad on business. Six days ago, he sent me an email to inform me that he wasn’t coming back home from his business trip and that our marriage was over.

Yes, dumped by email.

On March 17th my husband ignored my protests and insisted that he would meet his married mistress face to face to allegedly end their affair. They had dinner in a posh bar. He would return home around 1 or 2 am from meeting his mistress, expecting me to be there. I chose to spend the night at the Shangri-La hotel at the Shard, paid with his card. Even in that heartbreak, I blogged about staying 100 % on my diet.

I would later find out that 10 days later on 27th March, he would send his mistress a £70 bouquet of flowers in a week I call “I’m sorry, my love week” because he had spent that week apologising endlessly for his affair, the pain and hurt he had caused me, making plans for our future, talking about how our marriage would be better, how much he loved me, holding my hand and constantly stroking my face.

On 1st April, he would send his mistress expensive Easter chocolates, a couple of days after booking a holiday to Milan to allegedly work on our marriage.

After four months, his mistress got a face to face end even though they quickly resumed their affair, the 6th time they had broken and resumed their affair after only a week or two.

After 14 years of loving this man unconditionally, making life-changing sacrifices that even 1% of women would not make, he chose to send me the coldest email to inform me that our marriage was over.

love is a blind whore

Following his email, he would register with Royal Mail to immediately redirect his mails without the courtesy of informing me or allowing me to change countless utilities and other home accounts currently in his name. I would find out this week that my husband could not even face me to collect the piles of letters he has here from a letter from Royal Mail addressed to the “Occupier

I have done absolutely nothing wrong to this man to deserve the cruel treatment.

I have asked him several times if there is anything that I have done to deserve the despicable way he has treated me. I would feel better if I had done something to deserve even 1 % of the cruelty.

This was the nicest, gentlest, kindest man I ever knew. I often told people if there is a heaven, this man would go straight in as he didn’t have a mean bone in his body. I would often describe him as someone who wouldn’t hurt a fly he would pick flies and set them down in the garden when I would be like kill the bastards.

And now, I (the person who has done absolutely nothing but supported and loved him for 14 years), I am the one that he has chosen to dump 45 years of wickedness and cruelty on.

How on earth could someone who for 14 years treated me like a princess, who would look at me with so much love in his eyes, who would constantly tell me I was his world and he couldn’t imagine his life without me, we would constantly tell each other that our certainty was that we would be with each other forever. His countless cards including his 2015 Valentines’ day with handwritten notes about loving me now and always.

2015-03-27 13.35.29

20150510_120303

Last night, I looked at about 70 photos and videos I had forwarded him in April to remind him of our lives which were full of fun and laughter. Looking at those pictures it occurred to me that the times he was fiddling on his phone and smiling at me, including a holiday in Oman in December, he could have been emailing his mistress or other women.

How could this man be smiling at me while actively (not passively) trawling dating websites for wife number two and engaging in an intense affair with a married woman he believes he will live happily ever after with even though he had only known her for two minutes and had never even met her two children?

If these two scumbags end up setting up home, I’m assuming the same way she wined, dined and fucked him in her marital home, she will be fucking the next guy in their home if he’s away on business?

How could this man who pledged to love and protect me lie, deceive, betray and hurt me the way he has done? Why has he behaved like a monstrous scumbag since I found out about his affair?

How could he show zero appreciation, zero loyalty, zero consideration, zero thoughts, zero regards, zero decency, to me after I had spent every day since I was 27 years old loving him?

Every single day, including this morning, the shock hits me all over again.

I am crying as I write this.

I am still not sleeping well. Yesterday, I took some sleeping pills but it wasn’t a brilliant night. Last week, I had taken the sleeping pills with my sister sitting in my bed, nursing me like I was a baby until the drugs knocked me out. Perhaps her love and concern were the reasons those pills worked better a week ago.

I would be the first to tell myself to get over the end of my marriage. Get on with it and I am doing my best to do so but it is impossible to explain to anyone who didn’t know this man and I just how much of a shock all of this had been.

In 14 years, he never told me, not even once, that there was anything about our lives or marriage he wasn’t happy about.

I know grief. I have lost people close to me including losing my father when he was in his early 40s. My childhood had ended after his death when I was 9, watching my beautiful mum who was only 35 deal with her crippling grief.

This feeling is worse. I do not mean to demean my mother’s or anyone’s grief but I am only stating my opinion and perhaps another time I will expand on those thoughts.

I have abandonment issues which stem from my dad dying and years of therapy have not cured these issues.

Men leave. They leave or they die.

My marriage was my security blanket. It was the only constant and certainty I was sure of in my life but here we are.

I am right to have abandonment issue. Men leave. I have been abandoned by the man I loved and trusted implicitly with my life.

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4 thoughts on “Day 84 – I’ve Never Known Pain Like This…:-(

  1. I am glad you have a few spaces where you can be fearlessly honest at how raw it all is. I hope you write more, not less- even if those posts are not public. Just don’t be alone in this. The situation is intense enough as it is, but it has also dragged up past issues.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry. This is sad shocking and quite heart breaking. I am glad you have this avenue to write and let out your feelings. You have done nothing wrong except to love a man whom you felt was your soul mate. You can mourn your lost love, hopes, dreams and all, as long as it takes. Time, they say is a great healer. With time this pain will surely go away.

    Like

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