I am still keeping to my diet 100%.
Even though I don’t feel like eating, I force myself to eat regularly and to drink 4 litres of water daily. Tomorrow is official weigh-in day. Fingers crossed that I will have some good news to share…
I’ve had a couple of readers email to say that they can no longer access my blog. Apparently, Sky switched off porn access from their broadband unless you opt out. Bloody nanny state. Oh they haven’t decided that my blog has pornographic content, they have decided to restrict access for “suicidal and self harm contents”. Say what??? O2 in their wisdom have decided to classify my blog as over 18, requesting credit card as proof of age.
Sadly, the solutions are to change your broadband setting, include the blog as an allowed site or on 02, show the proof of age.
One day, this blog will go back to obsessing about food, weight loss, fashion, music, travel, food, restaurants and all the things I love.
One day, far far far far far away in the future, I may even make some of you blush when I describe crushing on some cute guy or having mind-blowing sex. Sky can then block me for pornographic content. Fuckers.
I’m sorry but today is not that day…
This morning, I woke up and I sat there in the dark and had a very long cry. My crying was interrupted by a phone call by my sister; I can’t explain how amazing my mum and sisters have been to me.
The lack of sleep isn’t helping; sleeping pills aren’t helping but hopefully, a change in medication today will do the trick. I also have a psychiatry appointment in early June and I’m hoping I can hang on until then. The clinic will see me if I need to see someone earlier which gives me hope help is nearby.
I suspect that I will be getting therapy for years to come to recover from the trauma of the last couple of months.
I wasn’t crying because I am some sort of victim, woe me, poor me, isn’t my life utterly shite. I guess the stark reality of my situation hits me daily.
There is only so much that I can share on this blog. I am a strong person but this has totally floored me. Every day, I find out new things that hurt me.
This morning, I felt extremely vulnerable because I have basically allowed a serpent who I should never have trusted with anything, let alone, with every aspect of my life to share my bed.
This man knows every intimate detail of my life. He knows all my secrets. As an accountant and a banker, he knows all my income and expenditure, even more than I do. This morning, I couldn’t even find my cheque books as I don’t know where he’s kept them.
He knows where the bodies are buried. I don’t know who he is. I can’t trust him to do the right thing.
This morning, it finally dawned on me that in all the time my husband was pretending to be working on our marriage, while secretly carrying on with the mistress he had sworn on his mother’s life he had broken up with, he was merely buying time to prepare himself for divorce. Time to acquire the Deeds to the house we own jointly. To acquire every detail of my finances. Time to plan his life, secretly find a flat and prepare himself for what he seems to do best, which is fucking with my life.
It has dawned on me that the events that occurred on 18th April, the last day I saw him, were engineered by him and his mistress to draw an end to our marriage and his pretences.
Who is this man? Who is this serpent? How can I still be discovering things this man has done to hurt me? What on earth have I done to him to deserve the bad treatment?
I have decided that I will not tell any friends about the end of my marriage until I get my shit sufficiently together. This week, one of my closest friends who knew something was wrong as I had bailed Facebook and wasn’t keeping in touch managed to unknowingly upset me when I finally told him after he threatened to contact my husband to find out what was wrong with me. He means well.
Even though I only told him the briefest details of recent events, his reaction was that of huge shock. He kept saying none of this makes any sense because he knows both of us and knows how very much in love and utterly devoted we were. This is classic midlife crisis. He’s seen it happen all the time. He insisted he uses us as an exemplary marriage when he counsels other couples. It doesn’t make sense. He went on and on putting me on the defensive when I know that I had tried my best to save my marriage. I was willing to try marriage counselling but my husband wouldn’t.
He’s the one that left. I tried my best to save my marriage following discovery of the affair but I can’t force someone to stay married to me when he doesn’t want to.
This morning, it has also dawned on me that there is no man or friend who will rescue me from my current woes and make things better.
There is no knight in shining armour galloping gallantly to try and save me from the craptastic time I’m having right now.
Every one has got their own shit to deal with and will not be leaving theirs to try and make this transition easier for me.
Depending on a man for the last 14 years hasn’t done me much good.
I will have to do this by myself. I will have to save myself
Right now, if I want to wake up every day and sit there for hours and hours and cry my eyes out, then so be it. I shall cry until I have no tears.
If I need to have that long postponed mental breakdown, end up in a hospital for the summer, then so be it.
One thing is clear though, I will have to tap into all that is within me to dig myself out of this utter hell and move on with my life as best as I can.
But one day, some day, it will happen, that day isn’t today and that is OK too.