4

Day 131 Week 19 Weigh in – Some Good News in Crazy Town

My husband and I are now in the process of divorcing.

Life continues to be impossibly unbearable.

Yesterday, sitting at the back of a taxi, coming back from dealing with more crap that seem to consume my life, Rod Stewart’s “I don’t Want to Talk About it” came on the radio. In my previous life, it was a great song to sing along to, with dramatic flair. Yesterday, when the song got to the part that says, “I don’t want to, talk about it, how you broke my heart”, my heart broke into a million more pieces and I found myself sobbing like a baby. The poor taxi driver didn’t know where to look. He didn’t crash the car either. That’s a good thing.

On February 24th, eight days after I started the Cambridge diet, I discovered my husband of 11 years had been having an affair and chatting online on dating websites with countless women, for several years.

I couldn’t control the madness that followed; 10 weeks of him blowing hot or cold, pretending to be working on our marriage while secretly continuing the affair, including secretly finding a flat, 40 miles away from our former home to be near this woman, and finally ending our marriage and 14 year relationship by email from a business trip to Singapore.

My life is a fucking cliché.

One of the numerous books recommended to help me with the snail slow recovery process from my deep devastation, grief and trauma quoted below by Joseph Campbell:

It is by going down the abyss
That we recover the treasures of life
Where you stumble
There lies your treasure.

It-is-by-going-down-into-the-abyss-that-we-recover-the-treasures-of-life

I can’t control my impossible life dealing with the divorce from hell, and the incomprehensible and appallingly heartless behaviour that have continued from this complete stranger; this evil serpent that shared my life for 14 years.

What I can control, are my hand to mouth actions.

from-hand-to-mouth-pavlobaron-1-728

I am so proud of myself that in spite of a myriad of health, personal and numerous other problems, my annus horribilis, I have stayed firmly on my diet. I have conquered (and continue to conquer) the life-long habit of using food as an emotional clutch and gaining crazy silly weight whenever I was sad or happy for that matter.

I am back to Step 2 of the Cambridge diet, eating 810 calories after stalling for 10 days on Step 3. Step 2 suits me better because I am so stressed and anxious about life, I have zero appetite and have lost all enjoyment of food. But I am forcing myself to eat and drinking at least 3,600 ml water daily.

I am thrilled to report that in 130 full days, I have lost exactly 25 kg, 55 pounds, 3 stones 13 pounds.

I am 1.3 pounds from losing 4 stones.

OMG.

Week Nineteen’s verdict: today’s weight 99.4 kg, week’s weight loss 2 kg (4.4 pounds); total weight loss; 25 kg ( 55 pounds)

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7

Day 117 Weigh-in – Sorry for the Long Silence…

I haven’t died…yet.

I haven’t fallen off the diet wagon…not going to happen.

I am still on Step 3, eating 1000 calories a day, plus drinking at 3.6 litres of water.

I am still 100% on the diet…hell yes.

If it takes me a long while to update this diary again, please don’t give up on me. Instead, please send some positive energy my way. If you’re spiritual, please say a little prayer for me.

I have been quiet because real life (pre-divorce crap) has made me very ill. It has completely overwhelmed me and I am not doing well at all.

I am trying my best not to completely drown in a sea of totally incomprehensible and inexplicable hatred, stone-heartedness, bitterness, aggression, arrogance and wickedness coming from the other side. I’m constantly dodging bullets in what can only be described as psychological warfare.

Screw bullets, I’m constantly dodging persistent nuclear attacks.

nuclear attack

There is only so much the human head, heart and body can cope with and I reached my limits long ago but the incomprehensible attacks keep coming.

I dare anyone, no matter how strong they think that they are, to walk in my shoes, deal with the level of continuing vicious crap, betrayals and heartbreaks that I continue to contend with and to survive the last four months without physical and psychological damage.

My days are filled with crap, crap and more crap.

It’s not all doom and gloom. I have the help of a wonderful family and a few good friends. I have a good lawyer. I have medical help in the form of medication and CBT therapy but it will take some time to figure out the right combination of things that will help.

I have now lost count of the last time I had a good night sleep. Things on the sleep front are extremely bad indeed.

I thank all you kind souls who have written to ask how I am. I also thank those of you who keep visiting this blog to check for news even though there’s been nothing for a couple of weeks.

thank you

The kindness of strangers will continue to restore my shattered fate in humanity and decency.

stranger

It doesn’t matter that my life has gone to utter shite.

It doesn’t matter that my watch has been stuck on crazy o’clock since Tuesday 24th February, 2015.

All that matters is that I am still chipping away the fat.

I am still sticking to my diet against unbelievable odds. I am still losing weight and therefore, it’s all good in the hood.

In 16 weeks and four days on the Cambridge Weight Plan, the marriage breakdown from hell, psychological warfare, nuclear attacks, nightmare separation/divorce, depression, severe insomnia, severe stress, anxiety, recurring whiplash, excruciating back pain, days so dark I mope and cry, the shattering of my life and trust, hospitals, clinics, pills, lawyers, insurmountable challenges to deal with changes in every aspect of my life as I knew it, challenges to the way I have to survive and live my life….

In the middle of all that crap, I am still chipping away the fat.

I have now lost…

Wait for it…

Are you ready…

You sure?

Awight then.

In 116 full days on the Cambridge diet, I’ve lost just over…

51 pounds; 23.3 kg; 3 stones and 9 pounds!

Week Seventeen’s verdict: today’s weight 101.1kg, week’s weight loss 2 kg (4.4 pounds); total weight loss; 23.3 kg ( 51.3 pounds)

51

OMFG.

I’m beginning to look hot again…well if I can just photoshop the massive bags under my eyes from lack of sleep, the permanent stress brows, the dejected look of heartbreak, depression and stress…

Fuck all that…I look HOT.

Next mini target is to get under 100 kg. I’ll scream the day I see 99.9 kg on that scale. The mini target after that is to hit the four stones loss.

I am 5 pounds away from losing four stones.

OMG

Go me.

GIVE-YOURSELF-A-HUG