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Day 166: Week 24 Weigh-in – 3 Michelin Stars

I’m thrilled to say that my little gamble to kick-start my stalled weight loss has paid off.

I am 0.66 pounds from losing four and a half stones!

The plan is to stay on Step 3 of the Cambridge Diet, eating 1000 calories a day until the weight loss stalls again. And when it does, I will step down to Step 2, that is, 810 calories.

Week Twenty four’s verdict: today’s weight 95.9 kg, week’s weight loss 1.1 kg (2.42 pounds); total weight loss; 28.5 kg (62.7 pounds)

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Day 165 – The Power of Positive Thinking

This has been a very busy week dealing with divorce crap.

It has also been busy in other ways getting bits and bobs done in my home instead of fuming at having to keep spending money when I have been 100% financially (and in every other ways), responsible for a house I only own half of.

My take is that I can carry on with my life and pay for repairs that add to my mental wellbeing, or I can suspend my life and stew with anger. I chose the former.

So, the electrician has been in, the plumber, the cleaner and I might even have the fence mended after my neighbour alerted me to a hidden section that had apparently been broken for nearly two years. Say what?

I have even started the seriously slow work of lovingly oiling the pergola and hard wood decking and restoring them to their beautiful, original colour which might take me the rest of the summer to complete. There I was rocking my Gucci sunglasses, sun hat, sunscreen, sun dress, staycation?

My back hurt like buggery after four hours oiling but I am extremely proud of myself. I don’t recognise the amazing, capable woman I am becoming…

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I have also started a gratitude book using a book my lovely friend Mandy gave me on my birthday in May. She wanted me to only write positive things in that book. I had only made two prior entries on my birthday and the day after…until now.

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When we are going through shitty times, it is very easy to forget all the great things and wonderful people that are still good in our lives.

It is easy to forget that we are still in a much better situation than a hell of a lot of people.

It is easy to forget that we still have a hell of a lot to be thankful to God, the universe or whatever we believe in.

This week, I have pledged that every single night before I go to bed, I will write down my gratitude list. Perhaps one day soon, I will share some of the items on those lists.

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Every night before I go to bed, I will also read my positive affirmations and visualise those affirmations as if they were all true. The sub-conscious mind is like a 5 year old and only understands the present and positive affirmations. It doesn’t understand the words “not”, “would”, “should” or “don’t”.

My affirmations are there to help me grow stronger every day. If this sounds way too new age, forgive me but desperate times call for desperate measures.

My affirmations will help me rebuild my dented self-esteem and appreciate that I am not merely rejected goods; I am beautiful, loveable and deserving of love, care, fidelity, loyalty and respect.

They will help me to keep making positive plans to move on with my life.

They will help me forget what was done to me, the anger, the unfairness that still keep me awake some nights (for I’m only human) and help me build the strength, both mentally and physically to start re-building my life in a positive manner.

Grief is funny business and I can’t predict how I will feel tomorrow or even in the next hour. I might be back to ranting about my circumstances and back to posting anger fuelled post.

But right now, this minute, I am thankful for the life I do have, the people in that life that give me joy and I am positive the future will get better.

I am slim.
I am beautiful.
I am confident.
I am lovable.
I am enough.
I meet challenges as they come.
I overcome adversity.
I rise to the occasion.
I am a survivor.
I have positive people in my life.
I am treated with care and respect by those I invite to be close to me.
I treat myself with care and respect because I am worth it.

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Day 164 – The Joy of Jeans

I’ve had a bit of a setback on the weight front but I’m working on it…

Given that I hadn’t lost much weight in the last 4 weeks, I purposely went off plan, gained a 1.2 kg in two days, hoping for a tried and tested whoosh on getting back to plan, but after being on plan 100% on Monday, I lost absolutely nothing yesterday.

Nada. Huge panic.

Today has been more like the whoosh as I lost 0.7 kg with only 0.4 kg of that weight gain remaining which I am hoping will go, plus more, in the next few days. Fingers crossed my gamble pays off.

I think one of the medication I have been on has been causing the weight loss stagnation and I am working on getting the medical support I need to help me through this tough period, without compromising too much on the huge boost I get from losing weight.

But this is a happy post…

OK, I appreciate that no matter how fat you are, you can buy big enough jeans to fit you and kudos to those women for rocking out their jeans but I’ve always had a mental block about buying huge jeans especially as I am blessed with fat thighs. I have tended to buy size 16 or 18 jeans or below. If these tree trunk thighs won’t fit, then no jeans for me.

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Last night, I decided to try two jeans which have always represented a slimmer me…

I had felt so sexy just before my wedding when I had lost a bunch of weight and finally fitted into one pair. And the other, I started wearing after losing 5 stones in 2010.

The last time I tried those two jeans on 30th March this year, they both didn’t even get above my knee.

And yesterday, there I was, both jeans fitted.

I cannot begin to express the joy I felt looking at myself in the mirror. OK not in a narcissistic way…

My life is in transition and there will always be sad thoughts because of course wearing those jeans reminded me of my wedding period. They also reminded me of holidays with my husband, where I would go away wearing one of those jeans and litter my diet journal with words like “The Joy of Jeans” to remind me of the joy I had wearing those jeans in the airplane and to encourage me not to overeat on holiday, so as to travel back with the jeans still fitting nicely.

But whatever sad thoughts may cloud happy times, yesterday, the joy of jeans won the day.

I am once again that girl that can fit into jeans I’d barely won in more years than I care to remember.

I still have a loooong way to go and I’m not resting on my laurels. One day, these two sexy jeans will be my fat jeans. Now that’s a happy thought.

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Day 159: Week 23 Weigh-in – 60 Pounds Gone Forever and Ever and Ever and Ever…

Firstly, a special get well soon to my lovely consultant Mandy. Big hugs and sending you positive and healing energy. Lots of love xx

I’ve been a little frustrated that in the last 3/4 weeks, I’ve only lost 1.3 kg (2.86 pounds) On a strict diet like the Cambridge Diet that’s annoying as I should be losing more.

But you know what, instead of looking at just how pathetic the weight loss last couple of weeks have been compared to people losing an average of a stone a month, I should look at the big picture.

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So here goes…

I started the diet on 16th February, 2015 and in 5 horrendously difficult months, I have broken the habit of a lifetime using food as a clutch when the shit hits the fan and boy has the shit hit the fan. I can’t imagine anything worse happening to me than the events of the last 5 months. And through all that, I have managed to lose a whooping 27.4 kg; 60.28 pounds; 4 stones and 4 pounds.

You know what, that’s definitely something to celebrate.

Go me.

Week Twenty three’s verdict: today’s weight 97 kg, week’s weight loss 0.6 kg (1.3 pounds); total weight loss; 27.4 kg (60.28 pounds)

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How to Accept the Apology You Never Received

I desperately needed to read this as I am still waiting for my soon to be ex husband to offer a genuine apology for his actions. Sadly, previous apologies were immediately followed by countless other incomprehensible actions, hurts and finger pointing. It is pointless to apologise and then do worse things than the crap previously apologised for.

I will work on moving on without waiting for him to acknowledge the devastation, hurt and heartbreak he has continued to cause.

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

In an ideal world, everyone that causes harm to another, either intentionally or unintentionally, would immediately offer up a genuine apology: accepting responsibility, acknowledging the pain, express empathy and remorse, immediately changing behavior and, if appropriate, making amends for the damage caused. But we know that rarely happens. And it never happens as quickly as we would like.

Instead, we receive a “sorry” tossed out with little thought and nothing to back it up. We hear, “I’ll do better” and better never comes. We may find that in place of an apology, we instead receive blame and misplaced anger as defensiveness leads instead of empathy. The apology may be discounted by the excuses that accompany it. We may see an utter lack of comprehension at the pain that was inflicted. Or we may just be listening to radio silence, waiting for an apology that never comes.

An apology that maybe we…

View original post 664 more words

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Day 158 – Loving Me Now And Always

I want to move on with my life; I really do.

I do not wish to be consumed by anger; I really don’t.

I’ve had a tough couple of weeks.

I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I do not know how to start re-building my shattered life.

I do not know how I could have a full and fulfilling life with my specific limitations which I cannot explain right now.

I do not know how to find that joy of life; that joie de vivre.

Yesterday, I sobbed throughout therapy.

I asked my therapist why I am back to feeling like complete and utter shite.

Why am I am back to being utterly depressed and so angry with my spouse after my empathy phase?

Shouldn’t things be getting better instead of finding myself several times in the last week sobbing my eyes out?

She said the cycle of grief repeats itself.

The fact that I had an angry phase doesn’t mean that I was done with anger. I should give myself time. I will have bad days and good days and with time, the good days will be more than the bad days.

She will look into extending our therapy sessions.

I suspect I will be in the therapy for a very long time but there’s no shame in seeking help.

Yesterday, I showed my therapist the romantic handwritten Valentine’s day card my husband had given me 10 days before I found out about his affair.

His handwritten note talked about loving me now and always.

That Valentine’s morning, he had come home after 2 am, blaming his busy workload. I would later find taxi receipts showing he had paid £50 to come back that early morning from his mistress’ house.

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My therapist declared that no one seeing that card would guess that I had anything other than a loving marriage.

She said that would explain the shock of the breakdown of my marriage. 

Today is another bad day.

I am consumed with anger for my spouse.

I am angry with him for thinking that it is perfectly OK to be as wicked and thoughtless as he has been to me since he ended our marriage by email.

I am angry with him for shunning all financial responsibilities towards me and abdicating all responsibilities and decency.

I am angry with him for making me feel certain that the 14 years I spent loving him mean absolutely nothing to him.

I am angry with him for being so pathetically weak, he is swayed by others and cannot decide for himself what is right and wrong.

I am angry with him for thinking that as long as I am not in “penury” – the standard by which he has chosen to judge my circumstances, after 14 years, it is perfectly OK for him to keep his extremely high salary all to himself and pay £0 to me and towards the maintenance of a house he claims to own half of.

I am angry with him for whatever reasons best known to him, making this transition as difficult as possible.

I am angry with him for thinking it is OK for him to continue to enjoy the standard of living we once had but for me to have to watch every penny I spend.

I am angry with him for making me swallow the unfairness of his actions because, right now, I am not prepared to squander savings that will help me in the future fighting him incomprehensible and unreasonable actions in the courts, in the interim.

I am angry with him for making a vow to me in church, for better for worse and thinking that he can predict the future and bail now because he wants a different future for himself that he reckons will be all rosy. Karma is a bitch.

I am angry with him for being so pathetically petty, that a man who has a very senior banking job and earns a hell of a lot of money thinks that it’s perfectly OK to delete my profile from Netflix (£5.99 a month) and cancel a pre-paid subscription of Spotify paid up until mid November (otherwise £9.99 a month) at a time he’s paying me £0.

I am angry at him for not being a man of his word; for not being a man at all.

I am angry at him for spending 14 years looking for a way out of our relationship, while being an evil serpent, lying with me, lying to me, and professing his love on a daily basis.

I am angry with him for breaking the contract of our marriage and thinking it is perfectly OK to change the rules of the game, in the middle of the game.

I am angry with him for stealing my youth, stealing my best reproductive years and yet, thinking he owes me absolutely nothing.

I am extremely angry at my spouse for being the biggest disappointment of my entire life bar none.

In other news, the weight loss has stalled the last couple of weeks. I am doing my best to kickstart things. This weight loss is my biggest achievement this year. It is my anchor. I desperately need it to continue.

Please God. Please whatever is good in the universe.

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Day 149: Making Fire – Sisters Are Doin’ it For Themselves

Yesterday, I saw my husband for the first time since April 18th. I expected to feel anger, resentment, hatred even, for this man who has made my life impossibly and unnecessarily difficult, hurt me beyond comprehension and continuously betrayed me.

And yet, the first and last thoughts when I saw him was recognition that he looked tired, older and skinnier than last time I saw him. I was genuinely worried whether he was eating properly and taking care of himself.

Talk about messing with my head but you know what, that is OK. Like I wrote in my empathy blog, I am glad I haven’t lost all decency.

Today I have been panicking about the rest of my life. How will I sort out all the stuff I need to do in order to move on with my life? How will I move on? How will I manage all the countless changes in my life? What do I do about my agonising back pains? How do I sort my head out? What will my new life be like? Will I ever go on holiday again? Where could I afford to go on my own and how horrible would it be travelling on my own? Am I destined for a life of loneliness lacking in fun and excitement? What happens next? How does the making of a new single life commence?

In other news, I had a happy weekend filled with good friends visiting both Saturday and Sunday. And on Saturday, I made BBQ with my girlfriend while my gorgeous adorable god-daughter looked on. I cannot begin to describe how big a deal this was because throughout the warm weather that seem to have gone on forever since my husband left our home, every time I smelt neighbours’ BBQ wafting through the garden, it reminded me of my loss and emptiness because that was something my husband used to do.

It was a man’s job to do BBQ.

And there I was, with my girlfriend making my first ever BBQ in my entire life. A first for her too as her husband usually does theirs solo. Sisters are doing it for themselves.

I do not need a man to make fire. That’s why God invented easy to light charcoal bags.

Any smart Cambridge dieters might have spotted that the butterflied chicken and drumsticks below aren’t part of allowed food on Step 2 of the diet. Bite me.

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