I’m that girl that always “needed” to have a man in my life.
I am 42 years old and I have been in relationships since I was 20 years old. I went immediately from a short relationship when I was 20, to a 6 year relationship, followed immediately by another short emotionally intense and mind-blowingly passionate relationship and then 14 years with my soon to be ex-husband.
The old me would have signed up to dating websites or wherever you meet single men these days, the day in February, I found out about my husband’s emotional affair. By now, I would have been firmly established in another no doubt unsuitable relationship, with the man fully labelled as a significant other. That relationship would have been doomed even before it had even started, given my current state of mind and the pattern of repetitive behaviour, I have only now accepted, which mean that I am drawn to the wrong men, even though I had thought my ex was the complete opposite in looks, virility and values to the men I dated in the past.
I need to work on myself to avoid repeating past mistakes.
This time, I will not jump into another relationship, not now, probably, not ever.
I will never marry again nor live with any man ever again.
I will never allow another man to come into my life, share my life, get emotionally attached, become dependant on him or give him the ability to hurt and devastate my life. Nor would any man ever know everything about my life like my ex did, every single thing that mattered, and thereby acquire plenty of ammunition to hurt me, should he turn out to be yet another wrong one.
I thought I was smart and streetwise but what a naïve, trusting fool I was.
As clichéd as it might sound, this divorce is my chance to re-discover myself, re-discover who I used to be, get strong and healthy, allow myself to grieve properly for as long as it takes, heal properly, discover new interests, new things, new people, new joys and to stand by myself, without ever becoming emotionally, mentally, financially or physically dependent or connected with another man.
I have had my share of so called soul mates and loves of my life. I will be my own soul mate and the love of my own life.
I will have to be enough for myself in the future. I will embrace singlehood. I will embrace independence. I will embrace never ever giving any man power over me, ever again.
I will embrace loneliness remembering that you can live with someone and yet be the loneliest woman alive when you become insignificant because they are stuck in their own little planet, distracted by chasing greener grasses.
This weight-loss quest is the beginning of my self love. It is the beginning of finding myself and the fit, beautiful, slim, happy person that I have always meant to be.
One fine day in the future (however long that takes), when the hurt and heartbreak have sufficiently healed and I have finally, legally untangled myself from my ex, I shall celebrate the birth of my life as Ms Belle – who is just fine on her own.
It doesn’t mean that I am now a man hater or that my male friends have all suddenly grown devilish horns.
And it most certainly doesn’t mean that I will be giving up on sex. Fuck no. When the time is right, I have 14 years of bad or no sex to make up for!