Yesterday, I saw my husband for the first time since April 18th. I expected to feel anger, resentment, hatred even, for this man who has made my life impossibly and unnecessarily difficult, hurt me beyond comprehension and continuously betrayed me.
And yet, the first and last thoughts when I saw him was recognition that he looked tired, older and skinnier than last time I saw him. I was genuinely worried whether he was eating properly and taking care of himself.
Talk about messing with my head but you know what, that is OK. Like I wrote in my empathy blog, I am glad I haven’t lost all decency.
Today I have been panicking about the rest of my life. How will I sort out all the stuff I need to do in order to move on with my life? How will I move on? How will I manage all the countless changes in my life? What do I do about my agonising back pains? How do I sort my head out? What will my new life be like? Will I ever go on holiday again? Where could I afford to go on my own and how horrible would it be travelling on my own? Am I destined for a life of loneliness lacking in fun and excitement? What happens next? How does the making of a new single life commence?
In other news, I had a happy weekend filled with good friends visiting both Saturday and Sunday. And on Saturday, I made BBQ with my girlfriend while my gorgeous adorable god-daughter looked on. I cannot begin to describe how big a deal this was because throughout the warm weather that seem to have gone on forever since my husband left our home, every time I smelt neighbours’ BBQ wafting through the garden, it reminded me of my loss and emptiness because that was something my husband used to do.
It was a man’s job to do BBQ.
And there I was, with my girlfriend making my first ever BBQ in my entire life. A first for her too as her husband usually does theirs solo. Sisters are doing it for themselves.
I do not need a man to make fire. That’s why God invented easy to light charcoal bags.
Any smart Cambridge dieters might have spotted that the butterflied chicken and drumsticks below aren’t part of allowed food on Step 2 of the diet. Bite me.