This has been a very busy week dealing with divorce crap.
It has also been busy in other ways getting bits and bobs done in my home instead of fuming at having to keep spending money when I have been 100% financially (and in every other ways), responsible for a house I only own half of.
My take is that I can carry on with my life and pay for repairs that add to my mental wellbeing, or I can suspend my life and stew with anger. I chose the former.
So, the electrician has been in, the plumber, the cleaner and I might even have the fence mended after my neighbour alerted me to a hidden section that had apparently been broken for nearly two years. Say what?
I have even started the seriously slow work of lovingly oiling the pergola and hard wood decking and restoring them to their beautiful, original colour which might take me the rest of the summer to complete. There I was rocking my Gucci sunglasses, sun hat, sunscreen, sun dress, staycation?
My back hurt like buggery after four hours oiling but I am extremely proud of myself. I don’t recognise the amazing, capable woman I am becoming…
I have also started a gratitude book using a book my lovely friend Mandy gave me on my birthday in May. She wanted me to only write positive things in that book. I had only made two prior entries on my birthday and the day after…until now.
When we are going through shitty times, it is very easy to forget all the great things and wonderful people that are still good in our lives.
It is easy to forget that we are still in a much better situation than a hell of a lot of people.
It is easy to forget that we still have a hell of a lot to be thankful to God, the universe or whatever we believe in.
This week, I have pledged that every single night before I go to bed, I will write down my gratitude list. Perhaps one day soon, I will share some of the items on those lists.
Every night before I go to bed, I will also read my positive affirmations and visualise those affirmations as if they were all true. The sub-conscious mind is like a 5 year old and only understands the present and positive affirmations. It doesn’t understand the words “not”, “would”, “should” or “don’t”.
My affirmations are there to help me grow stronger every day. If this sounds way too new age, forgive me but desperate times call for desperate measures.
My affirmations will help me rebuild my dented self-esteem and appreciate that I am not merely rejected goods; I am beautiful, loveable and deserving of love, care, fidelity, loyalty and respect.
They will help me to keep making positive plans to move on with my life.
They will help me forget what was done to me, the anger, the unfairness that still keep me awake some nights (for I’m only human) and help me build the strength, both mentally and physically to start re-building my life in a positive manner.
Grief is funny business and I can’t predict how I will feel tomorrow or even in the next hour. I might be back to ranting about my circumstances and back to posting anger fuelled post.
But right now, this minute, I am thankful for the life I do have, the people in that life that give me joy and I am positive the future will get better.
I am slim.
I am beautiful.
I am confident.
I am lovable.
I am enough.
I meet challenges as they come.
I overcome adversity.
I rise to the occasion.
I am a survivor.
I have positive people in my life.
I am treated with care and respect by those I invite to be close to me.
I treat myself with care and respect because I am worth it.