6

Day 222: Week 32 Weigh-In – 44 Bottles of Red Wine!

I am still 100% on my diet.

I can’t wait for the full reveal of the butterfly I will become once I have lost all the excess weight.

Beautiful_Butterfly

I appreciate that this won’t happen until next year but I have the rest of my life to enjoy being slim and healthy.

It is a marathon and not a sprint.

The weight loss has slowed down but I am thankful for how far I have come and very excited about seeing my body changing, feeling better in myself and being complimented on my weight loss.

However, I am doing this journey for myself.

I owe it to myself to be the best that I can be.

Be-the-best-version-of-you

My official Friday weigh-ins take place downstairs fully clothed in the same spot and wearing the same clothes that I have worn since Day 1. However, I weigh myself upstairs in the bathroom daily, wearing my lighter nightdress.

I am thrilled to announce that this week, I hit the milestone that I am now below 200 pounds upstairs. Today’s weigh-in upstairs is 90.7kg which is 199.5 pounds.

Next week, I will step down from Step 2 to Cambridge Step 1 Sole Source+ which involves eating four Cambridge products and a milk allowance usually 200ml of skimmed milk but given I can’t stand skimmed milk, I have worked out the calorie equivalent of semi-skimmed milk which is 145ml. I will be eating between 650 to 736 calories depending on what products I have. Hopefully this will shock my body into submission…or at least, increased weight loss!

I have a couple of exciting mini-targets coming up and I can’t wait.

I am less than 2 pounds from weighing eighty something kilos!

I am less than 3 pounds from my BMI being classified as Obese Class I. I know I know! But hey, next stop from Obese Class I is Overweight and I haven’t been classified that BMI since I was a teenager.

I started this journey at very high risk super-morbidly obese Class III, so getting down to low risk Obese Class I is an achievement I will be very proud of.

I am also less than 4 pounds from weighing 13 stone something. Given that I started this journey at over 19 and a half stone, I can’t wait.

Week Thirty Two’s Verdict: today’s weight 91.1kg, week’s weight loss 0.6 kg (1.32 pounds); total weight loss; 33.3 kg; 73.3 pounds; 5 stones 3 pounds

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8

Day 214 – I Stop And Smell The Roses..

It has been an eventful week.

A week ago, my husband came to our former much loved home to pick up his stuff after the longest saga ever.

You share 14.5 years with someone and he collects his things packed in black rubbish bags. Sad.

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If my ex has been affected in any way by the end of his marriage or the finality of collecting his things, he didn’t show it.

He was more interested in collecting unopened and opened bottles of brandy. I told him to enjoy.

If he was expecting drama from me, he got absolutely none.

I was cool, calm, collected, helpful and civil.

The truth is I am exhausted by life. He could take whatever he wanted to, I didn’t really care to be honest. He could have it only. They are only things.

At the end of the visit, my wonderful friend T who has been a rock and was with me said how surprised and proud of me she was and how I offered even more things than my ex had asked for.

She was livid with my ex. She said that all she wanted to do was to chuck his books and playstation games in his smug face and to tell him to fuck off when he laughingly said he needed to use the toilet. She couldn’t believe how blasé he was about everything. It was all so easy for him. Was he really concerned about brandy bottles? Seriously?

I was overwhelmed with sadness after the visit.

It all seemed so easy for this man that I had given so many years of my life to move on. I guess it sort of hit me that the last time my ex was in our home in April, we were still married, with a chance of working on our marriage and here we are, in such few months, complete strangers. All those shared lives, travels, restaurants, parties, adventures, experiences, hopes, aspirations; all nothingness, all meaningless.

But then something happens that shocks me out of my pity party for one…

My darling mother was involved in a bad car crash this Sunday. There could have been three corpses or serious injuries, and yet, the three of them walked away from that crash totally fine.

This is nothing short of a miracle.

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I can’t imagine my life without my dearest mum in it. I just can’t even contemplate that possibility. It scares the shit out of me.

I stop and count my blessings.

It puts things in perspective.

It puts the end of my marriage in perspective.

No one died.

In other news, my home looks like a florists with gorgeous flowers from my lovely, kind friends.

I stop and smell the roses.

I count my blessings.

I am a lucky girl.

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9

Day 204 – I Will Survive

I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

I do not see the light at the end of the craptastic tunnel

One of those nights when I have various versions of my all time favourite survival songs on auto replay…

Desperate times call for desperate measures

And like the songs say…

I am a survivor

I will survive

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Please indulge me with the excessive YouTube Survivor Videos

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to get along

And so you’re back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You’d be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
You think I’d crumble
You think I’d lay down and die

Oh no, not I

I will survive

As long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive
I will survive (hey hey)

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high

And you see me
Somebody new
I’m not that chained up little girl
Who fell in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free
Now I’m saving all my loving
For someone who’s loving me
Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore

Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
You think I’d crumble
You think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive
I will survive (oh)

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
You think I’d crumble
You think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive
I will survive
I will survive… !

4

Day 201: Week 29 Weigh-in – Another Target Smashed Forever!

I started this journey  on 16th February, 2015, hoping to lose 5 stones and then decide whether to do a 9th IVF treatment with my ex or continue my weight-loss quest.

I am thrilled to report that I have today hit the 5 stones target and I am smaller than the weight I was for the last 5 IVF treatments which started November 2011 and ended April 2014.

5stones

I will not allow my changed circumstances to spoil my joy or the gratitude that this diet has saved my life.

For sure, I don’t have the joy of the chance of trying for the baby that I have desperately wanted all my life, but I have the chance to keep going on this diet, to keep working on myself and one day, getting to a healthy weight that is right for me.

I have not given up the hope of one day having a baby.

I believe in God.

I believe in fate.

If my destiny is to one day have a child in my life, God, the universe, all that is right and just in the world, will align to make it happen for me.

For now, I will carry on losing weight, staying focused and staying 100% on my diet.

I can’t control all the crap in my life; but I can keep kicking ass by controlling my hand to mouth actions.

Fit young woman fighting off fast food

I want to thank my Cambridge consultant Mandy, who started me on this journey.

I thank all of you that read this blog, in particular, the 110 or so of you that get an email or notification every time I publish my random thoughts. I am most humbled that you would want to do that in an age when we are already bombarded by too many emails and notifications.

I thank the new friends I’ve made on this journey who have been a rock of support; the friends that I am yet to meet.

And most of all, I thank my family. Without whom, I am nothing.

Week Twenty Nine’s Verdict: today’s weight 92.2kg, week’s weight loss 1.3 kg (2.86 pounds); total weight loss; 32.2 kg; 70.8 pounds; 5 stones 1 pound – mini target smashed!

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8

Day 199: The Impotent Lothario

I have chosen to write what I feel on this blog as self therapy. If certain posts are too raw, please forgive me.

One day, I hope to read this diary and appreciate the journey I’ve been through, both on my weight-loss quest and the betrayal and heartbreak of the devastation of my life as I knew it.

I am not proud to admit that last night, I cried myself to sleep.

I had thought that the crying state of my grief is over especially as I know that the cause of my devastation, my heartless, psychopathic ex would be sleeping peacefully like a baby, just as he did in the last days, as our marriage crumbled, while I laid awake crying.

I was crying at the thoughts that I spent 14.5 years of my very short life, unselfishly and completely loving someone who was a complete waste of my time and underserving of 0.001% of that love.

Someone who would admit that throughout the years he spent smiling with me, he was seeking a way out from our relationship, with more than 12 illicit email addresses that I had found and several online singles dating profiles.

Marriages end, that perfectly fine. This man has not even left me with any memories to treasure; any thoughts of happy times are tainted with the admission that this evil coward was faking it for 14.5 long years.

I wasted my life with a loser that took 14.5 years to find someone else; when my four year old nephew manages to have two or three girlfriends at any one time.

This loser who by his own admission, only managed to sleep with his married mistress, by popping erectile dysfunction tablets Spedra and Ciallis, which I had found all over the house including the three in his former bedside table, like they were going out of fashion while I put up with 14.5 years of very bad or no sex caused by his impotence, and infertility caused by the lack of sex and his very defective sperm.

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This impotent man who suddenly and arrogantly now sees himself as some sort of lothario because some ugly, desperate, 48 year old married slut, gave him the time of the day.

LotharioFamilyPhoto

I do not wish to make fun of something as serious and devastating as impotence or erectile dysfunction, I loving tried my best to help my ex even though he refused to seek help for this problem. I lovingly and sensitively dealt with these problems, choosing to accept them and to focus on parts of our marriage that I thought worked after all, no marriage is perfect.

But please, don’t swagger and act like some fucking hot Romeo with women falling all over you and fighting over you, when you are anything but. Please.

impotent

If I thought this morning would bring me any good news or allow me the time for the countless tasks that I ought to be doing, in order to attempt to rebuild my shattered life, I was grossly mistaken.

Instead, I have spent all day dealing with more crap, lies and upset from my ex and moping around crying.

The reality is that I can say hands on heart that I do not deserve the wickedness of this evil monster. He and I knew all that went down in our marriage; how he can look at himself in the mirror or sleep at night, I cannot begin to imagine.

Only a psychopath who has completely detached himself from reality will continue to behave like this despicable, wicked, little man.

I remain grateful that the me that would have drowned the sadness and upset of the last week in greasy food is gone forever.

Not this time.

Not ever.