Day 199: The Impotent Lothario

I have chosen to write what I feel on this blog as self therapy. If certain posts are too raw, please forgive me.

One day, I hope to read this diary and appreciate the journey I’ve been through, both on my weight-loss quest and the betrayal and heartbreak of the devastation of my life as I knew it.

I am not proud to admit that last night, I cried myself to sleep.

I had thought that the crying state of my grief is over especially as I know that the cause of my devastation, my heartless, psychopathic ex would be sleeping peacefully like a baby, just as he did in the last days, as our marriage crumbled, while I laid awake crying.

I was crying at the thoughts that I spent 14.5 years of my very short life, unselfishly and completely loving someone who was a complete waste of my time and underserving of 0.001% of that love.

Someone who would admit that throughout the years he spent smiling with me, he was seeking a way out from our relationship, with more than 12 illicit email addresses that I had found and several online singles dating profiles.

Marriages end, that perfectly fine. This man has not even left me with any memories to treasure; any thoughts of happy times are tainted with the admission that this evil coward was faking it for 14.5 long years.

I wasted my life with a loser that took 14.5 years to find someone else; when my four year old nephew manages to have two or three girlfriends at any one time.

This loser who by his own admission, only managed to sleep with his married mistress, by popping erectile dysfunction tablets Spedra and Ciallis, which I had found all over the house including the three in his former bedside table, like they were going out of fashion while I put up with 14.5 years of very bad or no sex caused by his impotence, and infertility caused by the lack of sex and his very defective sperm.

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This impotent man who suddenly and arrogantly now sees himself as some sort of lothario because some ugly, desperate, 48 year old married slut, gave him the time of the day.

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I do not wish to make fun of something as serious and devastating as impotence or erectile dysfunction, I loving tried my best to help my ex even though he refused to seek help for this problem. I lovingly and sensitively dealt with these problems, choosing to accept them and to focus on parts of our marriage that I thought worked after all, no marriage is perfect.

But please, don’t swagger and act like some fucking hot Romeo with women falling all over you and fighting over you, when you are anything but. Please.

impotent

If I thought this morning would bring me any good news or allow me the time for the countless tasks that I ought to be doing, in order to attempt to rebuild my shattered life, I was grossly mistaken.

Instead, I have spent all day dealing with more crap, lies and upset from my ex and moping around crying.

The reality is that I can say hands on heart that I do not deserve the wickedness of this evil monster. He and I knew all that went down in our marriage; how he can look at himself in the mirror or sleep at night, I cannot begin to imagine.

Only a psychopath who has completely detached himself from reality will continue to behave like this despicable, wicked, little man.

I remain grateful that the me that would have drowned the sadness and upset of the last week in greasy food is gone forever.

Not this time.

Not ever.

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8 thoughts on “Day 199: The Impotent Lothario

  1. Sending lots of love and hugs your way.

    Try not to let him have anymore of your time and attention. It’s good to cry because it lets those feelings out but try and focus on the new beginning you now have. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled and this man was not doing that.

    Try and focus on the years yet to come and not the ones that have passed – you can’t change them but you can change your future xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you so much Jen, very well said and I will try my best to follow your good advice. It would get easier when I am divorced and finances settled and I will not to have to spend so much time responding to his crap and lies. xx

    Like

  3. I feel your pain. Crying is okay. It will get better, I promise. Different but better than your life with your scumbag ex. Honesty is priceless.

    You mustn’t apologise for any raw posts your blog your posts. I love your honesty.

    You inspire me with your determination. Keep strong. Keep working on your self.

    Sending you light and sunshine.

    VL xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. OMG. Life is so unfair!!! 14 1/2 years of erectile dysfunction and he rewards you by cheating on you???? He should be kissing your feet for staying with him that long!!! xxx

    You should write a book hun. I love your blogs and I’m sorry for your loss. xxx

    Good luck hun. I feel your pain. Don’t let the bastards get you down! Remember your fighting spirit. Fuck divorce crap. xxx

    Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks you so much Orla. There are so many things I haven’t shared on this blog. If I wrote a novel based entirely on the truth and details of all that have happened this year, that novel will be dismissed as being far fetched. Sadly,y so called life.

      Lots of love xxx

      Like

      • 14 and half years. What an ingrate. Relax my dear, you are better off without the wimp. As 4 his mistress, she will only last as long as her agenda requires.

        Liked by 1 person

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