2

Day 257: Week 37 Weigh-In – Note to Self: Must Do Better.

I have had a mixed week and a half on the diet.

I guess part of it is that I have been on the Cambridge Diet for 8 and a half months. By the standards that every other person on all other Facebook pages seem to lose weight, I should have been losing an average of a stone a month. I am nowhere near losing anything like that amount of weight and it gets demoralising on a low calorie diet where I eat three manufactured products daily.

My metabolism might also be a bit fucked because a lunch just over a week ago, resulted in a 1kg weight gain and eating carbs (and lots of it) in a party at the weekend, meant a 2kg weight gain in one day. I therefore found myself with a total 3.6kg gain in just 4 days.

My bad.

I have nearly lost all the weight gain and even though it’s disappointing that I don’t lose as much weight as other people, I have to stay on the diet 100% to shift the weight.

I have an event in two weeks’ time and my challenge is to stay on the diet 100% until that event.

The week hasn’t been great in that I had very bad tummy for two full days following my carb porn. That would teach me. A great outcome of the bad tummy is losing 2.9 kg (6.4 pounds) in 3 days.

I won’t recommend that weight loss regime.

I also have flu with all its bells and whistles. So much for that flu vaccination a few short weeks ago. I am avoiding sugary sore throat and cough sweets. This will get better when it gets better.

This diet is a lifeline and I will not keep fucking it up.

I have given myself until end of May 2016 to get to a healthy weight and as you can see from the Monitor Your Weight App Screenshot below, I am still pretty much on track to hit that target.

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Note to self: Must do better.

I must not become complacent with this diet because it is still the most weight I have lost, in the quickest time, of any diet that I have ever been on.

Week Thirty Seven’s Verdict: today’s weight 88.9 kg, week’s weight loss 0.8 kg (1.76 pounds); total weight loss; 35.5 kg; 78.1 pounds; 5 stones 8 pounds

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8

Day 247 – The Cycle of Grief Overwhelms Me

Last Friday, I wrote a very positive post about moving on.

Following that post, I decided to update the About Me section of this blog from the start of this weight loss journey where I wrote about wanting to lose weight for a 9th IVF cycle with “my wonderful husband” and the “love of my life”.

What total bollocks.

How is that love of my life crap working out for me?

Writing that update that doesn’t even list 1% of the incomprehensible cruelty I have faced from this man since he ended our marriage by email and engaged his mistress’ sister’s lawfirm for our divorce, triggered something and since then, I am back to feeling extremely angry with this scumbag.

Shit happens.

Marriages end. That’s fine.

If my husband had ended our marriage but had attempted to do the fair and decent thing by me instead of the incomprehensible and continuing cruelty and unreasonableness from him, I won’t be crying and writing this post.

I am so very angry at this man.

Angry that this scumbag sleeps easy and is happy to leave me with absolutely nothing after loving him, supporting him and helping to build him for over 14 years.

Angry that this spineless, psychopathic, serpent has lost all decency and is completely deluded from what is right or wrong.

Angry that this scumbag could not do the decent thing by someone that stood by him for over 14 years and instead, has chosen to invite these despicable, morally repugnant people he has known for two minutes into our lives; his mistress, her divorce lawyer sister and her law firm, who with his riches, he has on tap 24/7, to dictate what he should or should not be doing with the end of his marriage.

Angry that this scumbag has given this evil woman, not only my home address and the mobile phone number I have had since 1994, and that I had received a call on her behalf spurting her nonsensical crap.

Thanks Mylien for finally confirming your identity with that call.

Angry that he sleeps easily at night happy with his decision to pay £0 to me and towards a house he owns half of, and is demanding that I immediately sell, even though this has been my home for over 11.5 years, I have sunk my life savings into my home and have paid much more than he has.

Angry that this evil man demands evidence of facts he witnessed daily for over 14 years.

Angry that life moves on so easily for him, while I face unfathomable daily difficulties that completely overwhelm me.

Before I get any emails or messages telling me that I should get over the end of my marriage, forget my ex and move on, believe me, no one knows that more than I do.

I am doing my best because I know that anger eats you up.

It is also totally pointless being angry with a stone cold, emotionally dead, heartless scumbag who is busy enjoying his life and his riches and sleeping soundly at night while I stay awake fuming.

I do not want to stay angry with my scumbag ex.

I do not want to lose even a second of thoughts to this evil man or think about him for even a second.

I do not want to lie awake at night worrying about my life and fuming at his cruelty.

I do not want to think of the unfairness of this cruel situation that I have found myself in.

I do not want to cry myself to sleep.

I do not want to have anything negative in my life.

This is what it is and I am working on myself to keep positive and move on with my life as best as I can even though it is impossible to move on when I will not disentangle myself from this scumbag for another year.

Some days like today, the cycle of grief overwhelms me and it all seems so very impossible.

I have to have hope that there will be rainbow after the rainfall.

I have to have hope that there will be laughter and sunshine.

5

Day 243: Week 35 Weigh-In – Slow and Steady Wins the Race – Another Mini Target Smashed!

Shit happens.

I am trying to move on with my life following the devastating and sudden end of my marriage and the incomprehensible and continuing acts of betrayals since then.
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Sadly, it looks like I will be facing a protracted court case to disentangle myself from my scumbag ex. As it stands, I am looking at a final hearing by end of summer 2016, possibly later.

This week, I made some very hard decisions which I am optimistic will help me move on with my life in a positive and fulfilling manner.

I also made the firm decision to start living life again instead of waiting for the end of my divorce/financial settlements to live again.

Baby steps and a work in progress.

I believe in the power of positive thinking.

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And as part of those tough but positive decisions, I have taken some bold, exciting but daunting steps which I might write about in coming weeks.

Shit happens and now I either deal with the shit or drown with the shit.

I choose to live.

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This morning, sitting on the edge of the bath, I found this unusually painful and hard on my bum. It finally dawned on me that this is because there is less padding on my previously humongous padded bottom!

Now that’s a nice problem to have.

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I have this week smashed the 5 1/2 stones loss. I am utterly thrilled.

Next mini target is 6 stones loss which will take me to a weight that I haven’t been since my 20s.

6 1/2 stones, that is another 12 pounds loss, will take me to a weight I haven’t been since I was a teenager.

This blows my mind more than chocolate ever did.

Week Thirty Five’s Verdict: today’s weight 88.7 kg, week’s weight loss 0.9 kg (1.98 pounds); total weight loss; 35.7 kg; 78.5 pounds; 5 stones 8.7 pounds

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I’ve actually lost approximately 79 pounds but I preferred the axes to ninja stars…but here’s another picture dedicated to a particular reader who wrote that she likes the photos I post on my blog! xx

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6

Day 236: Week 34 Weigh-In – Another Life Changing Target Smashed

This has been a horrendous week but as the title implies, I have some good news to share.

I wrote about my blip last Friday morning. It actually got worse than that. And then another blip on Monday night when I was in too much pain to be able to prepare a meal. Plus my period was on.

Excuses excuses excuses. Life is all about choices. I made some wrong choices on my diet this week, and it might happen again in this marathon quest but for now, I am back on track and I must keep going.

The good news is that I got back on that horse and even though I had gained silly weight from my blips as my body reacts insanely to carbs, I managed to lose all the gain plus a little more.

never let a stumble

This week I have lost 0.5 kg; that is 1.1 pounds.

But more importantly, today’s weight is 89.6kg. Not only am I thrilled to be 80something but my BMI has gone from 48.5 when I started this diet weighing 124.4kg, which is very high risk Morbidly Obese Class III to just under 35, which is low risk Obese Class I.

BMI-Graph

I celebrate becoming Obese Class I, changing my life and lowering my risks for illnesses including heart attacks, strokes, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and even breast and bowel cancer.

morbidly obese

The next stop in my BMI journey will be BMI classification Overweight. This will happen when my weight drops to 76.6kg. I am only 13 kg (28.6 pounds); a teeny weeny bit over 2 stones away from this target. The last time I was anywhere near 76.6 kg was when I was 18 years old.

My 42 years old heart skips a bit to realise that I am only two stones away from a weight I haven’t been anywhere near since I was a teenager.

I have no doubt that there will be other obstacles in my weight-loss journey.

I may stumble and fall but I have to remain strong and promise myself that for the first time in my life, I will get to the end of a weight loss journey.

If I fall, I get up and keep going. I owe it to myself to get to a healthy weight.

I must get to the end of this quest. I must complete this journey of self love.

The three visuals below from Model My Diet say it all; my weight at the beginning, my current weight and the future weight that takes me to a healthy BMI. I am more than half way through my weigh-loss quest.

ea36a53e730e7c535084bdd839bdffd7bf50ff15399625091d2d80732ad9875c 8262b83bb924fbce987a4d554ccbf936b171d2b18f27f0022debba284355da43 54633f210bec477d48a91f0cff62ea93fa0ee1a36928ada7e435b59ef7f4a249

Week Thirty Four’s Verdict: today’s weight 89.6 kg, week’s weight loss 0.5 kg (1.1 pounds); total weight loss; 34.8 kg; 76.6 pounds; 5 stones 6.7 pounds

4

Day 234: The Wheelchair Club

In a previous lifetime, today would have been a good day to wallow in greasy takeaway and chocolates. Instead, I have stayed on my diet 100%.

I am still incapacitated with unbearable back pain.

When I think life couldn’t get any worse, I am dealt with more lies, betrayals and my heart is broken a million times all over again.

There is only so much one person can take but life has to go on.

I have to stay strong and keep telling myself that I am one of life’s true survivors.

I was unconscious for three days from an illness when I was nearly 9 years old. As an adult, I learnt that the illness was potentially fatal. That illness could have killed me. I am lucky to be alive today and for every day I stay alive, I have something to be thankful for.

The reality is that no one can predict the future and no one is the arbiter of what happens in anyone’s future.

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A few stories have made me think what an unpredictable world we live in.

I recently read a random article in the New York Times by a lady named Anne Thomas who at age 18, following a car accident, found herself in a wheelchair and paralysed from the chest down. She wrote:

Everyone is just one car accident, fall down the stairs, disease, violent crime or shallow dive away from becoming a member of the wheelchair club.”

I also recently read the story of Darcy Ward, a 23 year old Speedway biker with his brilliant life ahead of him, who is now paralysed following a crash in Poland a few weeks ago. Darcy will most likely spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair.

We all know what happened to the incredible Michael Schumacher, a man I very much admire and who introduced me to the joys of F1 motor racing.

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Perhaps the story that has moved me the most was published in this Saturday’s Times newspaper. It is that of the incredible Mark Pollock, the Northern Irish man who suddenly went blind at age 22. In spite of his blindness, he went on to became an adventurer, athlete, rower, author and motivational speaker, becoming the first blind man to race to the South Pole.

As if life wasn’t tough enough for Mark, in July 2010, he was dealt with more tragedy. Aged just 35 and four weeks before his wedding to an incredible woman, Mark suffered a tragic fall from an open second story window while staying with his friends. He broke his back and as well as being blind, he is now completely paralysed from the shoulder down.

Mark’s devoted fiancée, the gorgeous lawyer, Simone George, has stayed with him throughout the devastation of his paralysis but their wedding has never taken place as she considers it would be far too sad to walk down the aisle.

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Mark is living his own lessons, a pioneer exploring the frontiers of spinal cord injury recovery.

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Mark’s story will be told in a documentary called Unbreakable – The Mark Pollock Story out in UK cinemas on 9th October, 2015.

The truth in life is that no one knows what the future holds for any of us.

No one is the arbiter of anyone’s destiny and we can all follow our destiny, good or bad, regardless of anyone who thinks that they may decide our fate.

I can only attempt to live my life as a good person.

I shall leave the wickedness of others for them to be judged by their God or whatever they believe in.

Karma is a bitch.

All I pray is that I have front row seats to watch it’s manifestations.

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4

Day 233: In Agony and Incapacitated – Anyone for Lemonade?

I’ve had a bit of setback on the diet front but I’m right back on that horse.

Eight months is a long time to be on a diet that includes eating three manufactured products a day. I miss my “normal” low GI/low carb diet of tons of colourful salads and abundance of grilled fish and meat. I miss the freedom of being able to dine out outside of a low carb treat, and get back to my salads the next day.

I miss my old life but the heathy aspects, not the bits that would have involved lying in bed, feeling sorry for myself and scoffing my face full of chocolates.

I have had a scary few days of back pain so excruciatingly painful that the only relief I get is when I lie down. Even sitting down for 5 minutes is unbearable, let alone standing or walking.

If this pain doesn’t subside soon, I am well and truly fucked.

It is very scary living on my own and finding myself this incapacitated. It makes the world a scary place because I need to stand and walk and sit and function and even with pain killers, sitting down is a nightmare.

I started this post moaning about eating Cambridge diet products but they have sort of saved me the last few days because I have had the readymade products (bars and tetra shakes) by my bed and only needed to drag myself to the kitchen to prepare one meal a day; dosed up in painkillers that don’t work.

I have even had to cancel my therapy session because there is no way on earth I can sit down for just over an hour without dying of pain.

I really hope the pain gets better.

I can’t wait to see the end of this year.

It sucks lemon.

Anyone for lemonade?

lemonade

4

Day 229: Week 33 Weigh-In – I Have Not Conquered My Demons

This blog is warts and all, so here goes some warts.

In some of my posts, I have boasted about no longer being that girl who descend on crap food when the shit hits the fan.

I am very sorry to announce that I still haven’t conquered those demons.

OK, I have to give myself some credit for having lost as much weight as I have throughout the sudden and devastating end of my marriage but the psychology of obesity is a lot more complicated than that.

This week has been tough emotionally.

I have been down and there is that feeling of worthlessness.

I won’t pretend that I feel worthless all the time, I see myself as a survivor and I keep fighting.

But the truth is that when you have been basically tossed aside like complete and utter garbage, with no second thoughts, no care at all in the world, by someone who pledged in a church in front of all your friends and family to always love and honour you, the psychological damage does not go away that easily.

If this person during over 14 devoted years, would constantly tell me that he would love me forever, I was his world, he would save my life before his, if this person could treat me as utterly shite as he has and never look back, what chances have I got of anyone else ever thinking that I am worth a second glance?

Am I destined to live alone for the rest of my life with no one ever thinking I am worth taking a punt on?

I’m not pretending that these thoughts play in my mind all the time, they don’t; I love and value myself more than that.

But that’s where I am right now.

This morning, I meant to start the day being 100% on my diet. Instead, I had a late breakfast/brunch of utter crap: a packet of nuts, a packet of crisps and two cans of diet coke, whilst moping around with tears running from my eyes and feeling sorry for myself. I enjoyed the nuts but if I’m honest, I didn’t enjoy the crisps, but I still ate them, and I still finished the packet, all 150g of it.

The day is still very much ahead of me. I may still stuff my face with more crap. I do not know. I cannot promise that I won’t. I may even spend the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself. I do not know. I may continue to tear up as I am doing writing this post, I do not know. I may have a healthy dinner or I may not. I do not know.

One thing that I am certain of though, is that come tomorrow morning, I will be firmly back on that horse.

Come tomorrow, I will be firmly back to my diet and I will back on it 100%.

I will also humbly accept that I am only a work in progress.

I will humbly accept that I have not conquered the demons of depression.

I have not conquered the self destructive habit that means that when I am depressed, I crave foods that will only encourage the cycle of depression; food that destroy and do not help me thrive.

I will humbly accept that I have not conquered the vicious cycle of obesity.

I will not regret today’s fall off the wagon. I will consign it to what it is; a blip. Nothing more, nothing less. I shall not give it more attention than it deserves nor shall I spend the rest of the week regretting it.

I may try and learn from it.

Write in my diary how the crap food did not improve my depressed mood; but that’s nothing new. I knew that it wouldn’t and yet I did it.

But you know what, what’s done is done and now I need to move on.

The same attitude that I have tried to ascribe to the devastation of the end of my marriage. What’s done is done and now I need to move on.

Week Thirty Three’s Verdict: today’s weight 90.1 kg, week’s weight loss 1 kg (2.2 pounds); total weight loss; 34.3 kg; 75.5 pounds; 5 stones 5 pounds