This blog is warts and all, so here goes some warts.
In some of my posts, I have boasted about no longer being that girl who descend on crap food when the shit hits the fan.
I am very sorry to announce that I still haven’t conquered those demons.
OK, I have to give myself some credit for having lost as much weight as I have throughout the sudden and devastating end of my marriage but the psychology of obesity is a lot more complicated than that.
This week has been tough emotionally.
I have been down and there is that feeling of worthlessness.
I won’t pretend that I feel worthless all the time, I see myself as a survivor and I keep fighting.
But the truth is that when you have been basically tossed aside like complete and utter garbage, with no second thoughts, no care at all in the world, by someone who pledged in a church in front of all your friends and family to always love and honour you, the psychological damage does not go away that easily.
If this person during over 14 devoted years, would constantly tell me that he would love me forever, I was his world, he would save my life before his, if this person could treat me as utterly shite as he has and never look back, what chances have I got of anyone else ever thinking that I am worth a second glance?
Am I destined to live alone for the rest of my life with no one ever thinking I am worth taking a punt on?
I’m not pretending that these thoughts play in my mind all the time, they don’t; I love and value myself more than that.
But that’s where I am right now.
This morning, I meant to start the day being 100% on my diet. Instead, I had a late breakfast/brunch of utter crap: a packet of nuts, a packet of crisps and two cans of diet coke, whilst moping around with tears running from my eyes and feeling sorry for myself. I enjoyed the nuts but if I’m honest, I didn’t enjoy the crisps, but I still ate them, and I still finished the packet, all 150g of it.
The day is still very much ahead of me. I may still stuff my face with more crap. I do not know. I cannot promise that I won’t. I may even spend the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself. I do not know. I may continue to tear up as I am doing writing this post, I do not know. I may have a healthy dinner or I may not. I do not know.
One thing that I am certain of though, is that come tomorrow morning, I will be firmly back on that horse.
Come tomorrow, I will be firmly back to my diet and I will back on it 100%.
I will also humbly accept that I am only a work in progress.
I will humbly accept that I have not conquered the demons of depression.
I have not conquered the self destructive habit that means that when I am depressed, I crave foods that will only encourage the cycle of depression; food that destroy and do not help me thrive.
I will humbly accept that I have not conquered the vicious cycle of obesity.
I will not regret today’s fall off the wagon. I will consign it to what it is; a blip. Nothing more, nothing less. I shall not give it more attention than it deserves nor shall I spend the rest of the week regretting it.
I may try and learn from it.
Write in my diary how the crap food did not improve my depressed mood; but that’s nothing new. I knew that it wouldn’t and yet I did it.
But you know what, what’s done is done and now I need to move on.
The same attitude that I have tried to ascribe to the devastation of the end of my marriage. What’s done is done and now I need to move on.
Week Thirty Three’s Verdict: today’s weight 90.1 kg, week’s weight loss 1 kg (2.2 pounds); total weight loss; 34.3 kg; 75.5 pounds; 5 stones 5 pounds