Day 247 – The Cycle of Grief Overwhelms Me

Last Friday, I wrote a very positive post about moving on.

Following that post, I decided to update the About Me section of this blog from the start of this weight loss journey where I wrote about wanting to lose weight for a 9th IVF cycle with “my wonderful husband” and the “love of my life”.

What total bollocks.

How is that love of my life crap working out for me?

Writing that update that doesn’t even list 1% of the incomprehensible cruelty I have faced from this man since he ended our marriage by email and engaged his mistress’ sister’s lawfirm for our divorce, triggered something and since then, I am back to feeling extremely angry with this scumbag.

Shit happens.

Marriages end. That’s fine.

If my husband had ended our marriage but had attempted to do the fair and decent thing by me instead of the incomprehensible and continuing cruelty and unreasonableness from him, I won’t be crying and writing this post.

I am so very angry at this man.

Angry that this scumbag sleeps easy and is happy to leave me with absolutely nothing after loving him, supporting him and helping to build him for over 14 years.

Angry that this spineless, psychopathic, serpent has lost all decency and is completely deluded from what is right or wrong.

Angry that this scumbag could not do the decent thing by someone that stood by him for over 14 years and instead, has chosen to invite these despicable, morally repugnant people he has known for two minutes into our lives; his mistress, her divorce lawyer sister and her law firm, who with his riches, he has on tap 24/7, to dictate what he should or should not be doing with the end of his marriage.

Angry that this scumbag has given this evil woman, not only my home address and the mobile phone number I have had since 1994, and that I had received a call on her behalf spurting her nonsensical crap.

Thanks Mylien for finally confirming your identity with that call.

Angry that he sleeps easily at night happy with his decision to pay £0 to me and towards a house he owns half of, and is demanding that I immediately sell, even though this has been my home for over 11.5 years, I have sunk my life savings into my home and have paid much more than he has.

Angry that this evil man demands evidence of facts he witnessed daily for over 14 years.

Angry that life moves on so easily for him, while I face unfathomable daily difficulties that completely overwhelm me.

Before I get any emails or messages telling me that I should get over the end of my marriage, forget my ex and move on, believe me, no one knows that more than I do.

I am doing my best because I know that anger eats you up.

It is also totally pointless being angry with a stone cold, emotionally dead, heartless scumbag who is busy enjoying his life and his riches and sleeping soundly at night while I stay awake fuming.

I do not want to stay angry with my scumbag ex.

I do not want to lose even a second of thoughts to this evil man or think about him for even a second.

I do not want to lie awake at night worrying about my life and fuming at his cruelty.

I do not want to think of the unfairness of this cruel situation that I have found myself in.

I do not want to cry myself to sleep.

I do not want to have anything negative in my life.

This is what it is and I am working on myself to keep positive and move on with my life as best as I can even though it is impossible to move on when I will not disentangle myself from this scumbag for another year.

Some days like today, the cycle of grief overwhelms me and it all seems so very impossible.

I have to have hope that there will be rainbow after the rainfall.

I have to have hope that there will be laughter and sunshine.

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8 thoughts on “Day 247 – The Cycle of Grief Overwhelms Me

  1. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and having read the about you section mentioned in your post, I’m stunned by your ex motivations. What kind of man would end his marriage by email or choose the sister of the woman he’s having an affair to represent his divorce rubbing chilli not salt into an already difficult situation?

    I feel so angry for your situation and I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.

    Grief is a cycle and plays itself out. You mustn’t kick yourself for being angry and no one can judge your right to feel so as they’re not in your shoes.

    I can’t pretend to understand what you’re going through. I’ve been through divorce but my ex had the decency to be fair and reasonable.

    I wish you the very best of luck but be rest assured there is a rainbow, sunshine and laughter. Your life will be different but it will also be better than it was with this ridiculous man who has no gratitude for his good fortunes with you.

    I’ll drop you PM with my name and telephone number and I’m available for a chat any time you need comfort.

    Sending you love and warm hugs

    Ruqsana.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Ruqsana, I am truly overwhelmed by your message and extremely grateful you took time to write such a long, kind and comforting post. Thank you also for the email which I will respond to very soon. I am speechless, which doesn’t happen very often. All I can say really is thank you. I wish you every happiness, best wishes and I will certainly keep in touch. x

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  2. This made me cry. Whatca despicable fellow this husband of yours is. Spineless and totally lacking in character. What a wuss. As for Myelin or whatever her name is, may she pass through a 100 times what she has put a woman who did absolutely nothing to her. May the sins of the mother be upon her children and sister.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh Livia. Thanks for your message and all your support. Means the world. Perhaps not quite the innocent children but if there’s any justice and fairness in the world, that serpent, his mistress, her divorce lawyer sister and everyone complicit in his wickedness, will all get their comeuppance. That much I’ve got to believe in. x

      Like

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