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Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to every single one of you who visit this blog regularly, or anyone who just happens to stumble upon me.

I also wish you all, the very best of happiness for 2016. May it bring to all of us, peace, love, good health and happiness.

Thank you very much for all the wonderful support and comfort you have all given me this year. I will forever be immensely grateful.

If you have a moment, please reach out to someone, family, neighbour, acquaintance, foe or even a complete stranger who might be a little lonely, grieving, elderly or just anyone who might appreciate some kindly words or friendly thoughts.

Perhaps something next year, I shall write about surviving Christmas after a devastating loss or unexpected marriage breakdown, especially if like me, you happen to be childless.

As for me, I have immersed myself in love, family, friendship, peace, happiness, music, contentment, gratitude, laughter…and I confess, lots and lots of yummy food.

Yep, the diet has been postponed until 28th December.

C’mon, I never claimed to be a saint!

Ho ho fucking ho.

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Day 299: Week 43 Weigh-in – It’s Only Vegetables

Yesterday my very good friend came to visit.

“I have made a very nice vegetable soup for us.” She said presenting this awesome looking soup with an amazing smell.

“Thank you darling but I’m so sorry, I can’t have any.”

“It’s a vegetable soup. It’s only vegetables!” She exclaimed bewildered.

“Aww, thanks but I can’t. I’m trying to stay on my diet 100%.”

just say no

“What? It’s a vegetable soup. Surely you can have vegetables? What kind of diet means you can’t have a vegetable soup? What are you going to have for lunch, a bar?” 

It was 2.30 in the afternoon.

“Actually, I’m going to have my Cambridge porridge and it’s breakfast for me as I’ve been doing divorce crap since I woke up and haven’t had a chance to have breakfast.”

She gave me chocolate for Christmas.

I thanked her and asked her to put it away for me somewhere I could not reach, pointing out exactly how far into the the back of the top cupboard she could place this.”

“But why?”

“Because I’m a carboholic. When that thing in my head wants to eat carbs, there’s no stopping it. I don’t want to be able to reach it.”

carboholic

This afternoon, my wonderful cleaner gave me some chocolates. I was very touched by her gesture and I gracefully accepted with no mention of the fact that I won’t be eating them or boring her by explaining that I am on a strict diet.

It’s difficult being on a diet that requires so much discipline but I have felt good the last couple of days being focussed and in my zone to stay on it 100%.

I don’t know what I will look like when I lose another stone, because that is a weight that I have not been since I was a teenager but I am excited about finding out.

The only way I can ever find out is to stay focused. No messing.

future me

I have a party this weekend. It will be temptation island but I am accountable to myself and all of you not to screw it up.

This week’s weight loss is pathetic but it is a loss and I am thrilled because I had not expected any loss given that I had eaten crap on 3 consecutive days since last weigh-in and was rewarded with a 1.8kg (3.96 pounds) weight gain.

I shall take it one day at a time and I hope that in the weeks ahead, (apart from perhaps Christmas; c’mon, I’m a realist but not planning a blow out!), I will only see that scale going downwards.

Week Forty Three’s Verdict: today’s weight 88.6 kg, week’s weight loss 0.2 kg (0.44 pounds); total weight loss; 35.8 kg; 78.8 pounds; 5 stones 9 pounds

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Days 297 and 298 of that accountability stuff

Two full days of staying 100% on my diet. I’m happy with that and energised to keep at it.

Wednesday 9th December, 2015 – Day 297

Breakfast

Fibre, Cambridge porridge, latte with 300ml milk from allowance

Lunch

Cambridge peanut bar

Dinner

Sea bass pan fried with one calorie spray (wasn’t a pretty picture), salad and diet coke.

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After dinner

Cambridge yogurt bar

Water

3600ml

Thursday 10th December, 2015 – Day 298

Breakfast

Fibre, Cambridge porridge, latte with 300ml milk from allowance

Expresso

Lunch

Cambridge peanut bar

Dinner

Boiled quail eggs and salad

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After dinner

Cambridge yogurt bar

Water

3000ml

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Day 297 – I Am Accountable to You.

I have had a lot of love from perfect strangers who read this blog.

I feel a sense of responsibility to the people who write to tell me that I inspire them to lose weight. I owe it to them to get to the end of this weight loss journey.

I am losing weight for myself.

But today, I pledge to lose weight for every single person who follows this blog especially those who have written to say that my journey has inspired them.

I am accountable to all of you and I’m doing this not just for me but for you too.

I will try my hardest to make myself proud and to make you proud of me.

I will not disappoint you.

accountable (1)

If I can lose weight through the implosion of my life as I knew it and the marital breakdown from hell, anyone can lose weight.

Last night my little sister called me to cheer me up as she knew I was down and she succeeded. She’s adorable.

We also talked about my diet. She told me it’s totally not worth it to give up and gain back the weight. She reminded me how far I’ve already come in this journey. I reiterated the fighting talk that giving up is not an option and I meant it.

Today is a new page in my weight loss journey.

I know how easy it is to lose a bunch of weight and put it all back again. I’ve been there countless times in my life.

It is finally time to man up and break that cycle of weight loss, weight gain, weight loss, on and on and on again on a rollercoaster of obesity.

Eating crap will not change my difficult circumstances.

Eating crap will not help me reorganise the aspects of my life I need to figure out as I move on in my life.

Feeling down is not a license to eat crap; shit happens, deal with it or drown with it.

Eating crap will only extend this journey as reflected in my Monitor Your Weight App every time I gain weight.

Eating crap will not give me the freedom to do all those things that obesity has stopped me from doing or live all those secret dreams.

Eating crap may temporary give me the high of comfort eating but it is only a very short relief that brings on other negative feelings and weight gain which do not help in the short term, let alone in the longer term.

important

Today is the start of a re-energised crack at losing the four stones that will take me into a healthy weight.

The timing is very bad as a taxi driver reminded me yesterday as we traded dieting history. True, it sucks to be thinking of a renewed vigour in my weight loss journey with Christmas lurking around the corner and other potential temptations such as a party at the weekend and a lunch early next week.

But the reality is that real life will never suspend itself to make every aspect of life perfectly conducive for weight loss.

I will not cancel Christmas which I expect to be a junk fest with three young children. I will not hide away at home and not attend this party or the lunch.

I will live life and just make better choices when I’m out of the bubble of home. And of course make the right choices when I’m at home too.

For the next few days or however long it takes to sort my head and stay 100% on this diet, I will be posting every single thing I eat and drink.

I will try my best to stay 100% on my diet but even if I fail, every morsel that goes from my hand to my mouth will be reported truthfully and completely in this diary.

I am accountable to you.

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Day 296: Why am I doing this again?

This diary started as a record of yet another weight loss journey.

It has now become much more than just that.

It has become my journey of surviving my annus horribilis with my mental and physical health as in tact as I can muster.

Some days are a struggle but I am certain that one day, the dark entries on this diary will seem like a long forgotten era.

is it over yet

Days like today though, I thoroughly resent the fact that instead of focussing my energy on the million and one things that I ought to be doing to move on with my life, figuring out how to make various impossible changes, my energy, time, money are being wasted because the person who chose to end our marriage has chosen to make the process as impossible as he can muster.

Moving on is impossible when your day and mind is still occupied with unpleasant crap.

dont-confuse-your-path

I have struggled this week to stay on my diet for various reasons.

I am bored with the diet, I want to have more choices but with all the crap going on right now, I can’t really blame the diet. Food may not be leisure but it gives me pleasure. The imp on my shoulder tells me that I’m having a crap few weeks, if eating crap makes me feel a little better, so be it. I know better than that because ultimately, weight gain doesn’t help. I am restless, I am depressed (strong word, I know), I am emotional, I am on my period.

When you have spent all your life crutching on bad food choices when down, it is a cycle that is not easy to break. I will not make excuses for myself.

I take full responsibility for my actions but if breaking the vicious cycle of obesity was an easy feat, there would be no fat person.

the-buck-stops-here1

I needed a reminder of why I am on this weight loss journey.

Fighting talk but I will not stop until I get to an end goal however, the stops and starts make that target seem further and further away.

I can only take it one day at a time; or even one meal at a time.

On 5th January, I wrote a list of reasons why I wanted to lose weight. I revisited those reasons in a  post back in March 2015. Time to revisit those reasons; hopefully they might inspire me to stay on track.

1. Nearly as fat as prior to previous weight loss. [Not anymore. I have lost 5 1/2 stones. Another 3 stones will be truly life changing.]
2. Feel huge, expanded, wide, my clothes can barely fit me. [Not anymore. I now rock jeans. My clothes are loose but imagine how good I will feel if I lose a couple more stones?]
3. Too fat to walk, function, get in and out of bed, in and out of bath. [Those days are well and truly gone!]
4. My beautiful house deserves a beautiful resident. [Give myself a break. I am beautiful fat or slim]
5. My insides must be awful to correspond with the outside. [Easy woman. Note no 4. How about that break?]
6. Spots on face and sore starting on side. [Sore gone. Only occasional stress spots. Tough year!]
7. New chair will feel silly and forced with fat resident. [I now rock that fancy chair.]
8. Slim down, get fit. [Hear hear. Let’s keep doing it. Rome wasn’t built in a day.]
9. Forget sex, can barely move legs. [Most definitely no longer true!]
10. Tray in aircraft, so embarrassing. [That fat moment when your food tray hangs mid air because you are too fat – I’m not that girl any more.]
11. I’m acting like I’ve given up on babies. [Let’s not talk about babies!]
12. I felt hot slimmer. This is ridiculous. [Yep, bring on the H.O.T. me.]
13. Hand -> mouth -> fat [That’s right. Nothing passes this mouth without my say so. You tell yourself that!]

14. Dicing with diabetes. [I have PCOS, diabetes is the next step. Not happening to this chick. No way!]
15. Restricted life. Imagine all I can do on holiday if slim. [Well…so let’s keep going then.]
16. Stupid to be this fat. [Extremely stupid to be fat when I can do something about it. I’m doing it.]
17. Struggled to walk in plane. What’s the alternative, wee in pants as too fat and lacking in confidence to walk in plane? [That fat feeling when you walk in turbulence or worry about fitting into plane’s toilet.]
18. Babies, babies, babies, babies. [Get the memo. Enough of the baby talk!]
19. Get fit, feel better. [I hear you. Let’s keep doing what we’re doing.]
20. Strain on chair max exceeded as of today. [Not anymore. I’m good with that and most chairs]
21. Strain on brand new baths. They will crack. No contest. They really will. [They won’t, not anymore.]
22. Make myself proud again. [Done! I am proud of myself. Note to self: Keep making yourself proud.]
23. Start something, finish it FFS. [I start, I finish. No messing. Fighting talk!]
24. Promise St Thomas doctor. [I told a doctor I would be 40 and slim or 40 and fat from pregnancy. I failed. So what? I can be 43 and nearly slim if I keep to the diet. What’s a few years between friends?]
25. In my 40s, downhill all the way, ill-health in old age. I have time to sort it out now or misery ahead. [Am I trying to depress myself to fuck?! Enough already with the old age!]
26. DH doesn’t deserve a fat wife. [DH who? Please. That ship sunk deeper than the Titanic. I am doing this for me!]

beige room

Chip Away The Fat – One Pound at a Time. Yes I CAN.

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Day 293: Week 42 Weigh-in – We need to talk about Christmas

This has been an extremely hard week.

Divorce sucks like nothing has ever sucked but I know this is only a phase which will pass.

The last couple of weeks have been spent completing the nightmare Form E and gathering countless documents in readiness for court imposed deadline.

Every bone in my body is shattered. My back aches. My legs ache. My hips ache. My emotions are totally drained.

On Wednesday, I had therapy. I was in good form, full of positive talk for the future. We made diary plans to ensure I have some psychological support from her to see me through the first financial court hearing in January. I have a wonderful therapist who I have been seeing since June. She has been exceptional in getting our sessions extended several times and now trying to make sure I continue to have ongoing psychological support through the stresses of court hearings next year.

Only 10% of divorce cases go through a third and final court trial where a judge imposes a final judgment. My ex is crazy, totally unreasonable and a zombie being controlled by repugnant idiots. I am resigned I will be one of the unlucky 10%.

Our divorce will probably make his mistress’ sister a partner in her divorce law firm for the generous business from my ex. A fool and his money…

Yesterday, I had a follow-up with a consultant psychiatrist. The mental torture of the end of my marriage and my ex’s repulsive behaviour (if you’re new to my blog, see my About Me section), had resulted in a breakdown. I am not ashamed to seek help or to admit that I have been on medication since then.

The consultant was extremely nice and sympathetic. She talked about the unfairness of my situation. She will update my GP accordingly. The nicer she was to me, the more I cried and cried and cried and cried.

I thought I was done crying.

In addition to the pills I was given earlier in the year, she tells me my mood is still low, that I’m depressed. She wants me on more medication than I’m already taking. She prescribes some anti-depressants that will increase the happy hormones serotonin, supress adrenalin, help me sleep better…

Mental health issues are difficult to discuss.

I think there is something about anti-depressants that gets to people. My mother had a major panic when I told her about the doctor’s visit. She immediately writes:

“Please don’t ever give in to depression. Anger, yes. Occasional sadness, yes. But depression. Please reject it in the name of all that is good.”

I admonished myself for worrying her, as if she hasn’t got enough worries.

One of my best friends responds:

“No, we just need to get you out having fun. You don’t need to take any of that shit.”

She invites me to another girlie night I had already declined and she is now planning for the girls to descend to mine in January.

If the mountain won’t come to Muhammed…

I ask my sweet sister, who  has been a rock about the specific medication. She’s a medical doctor. She calmly says:

“It’s okay. You could try it as people react in different ways. Everything will be alright my sister.”

I think if I’m honest with myself, the doctor is right about the anti-depressants and I hope they will help. I am more concerned that one of the side effects include weight gain but she had reassured me that it only increases appetite and if I don’t eat more, I won’t gain weight.

So in all of that drama, there is Christmas to think about. I still haven’t bought a single present.

In my pre-divorce life, Christmas was my absolute favourite holiday. This year, it fills me with dread.

I don’t want to think about 15 Christmases where my ex would overwhelm me with Christmas gifts like the picture below from last year.

He was certainly very generous when we were together. It’s a shame now he thinks it is entirely fine to pay me £0, while he keeps his City banker income all to himself.

2014-12-25 10.10.20

I don’t want to remember that last Christmas, I somehow managed to get 11 people to sit down in my home for Christmas lunch.

There were 6 people in my house last Christmas, who have been me for 15 Christmases and who I will most likely never see again in my entire life, except of course the ex, who I will be seeing in court hearings next year.

It is a very sad way to end a marriage.

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No, I don’t want to think about last Christmas.

But I really should think about this Christmas because this year, there will be three innocent kids in my home who haven’t done anything wrong.

There will be three young kids who will come with excitement to see their “fun auntie” and by God, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that she is still out there.

I owe it to them to make this the best Christmas I can muster.

It is not their fault that the shit hit the fan and it is unfair for them to think that life doesn’t move on and stay fun.

I promise myself that I will do whatever it takes, put on my big girls’ pants, suck it up like a fucking pro, fake it until I make it, to put on a happy show.

There will certainly be 99 times less presents this Christmas compared to Christmases past, (especially for me) but I make a silent promise to those kids there will be joy, laughter and lots of fun in my home this Christmas.

You know what, it’s not just about the kids; I owe it to myself and moving on to make it a brilliant Christmas.

a little girl

Week Forty Two’s Verdict: today’s weight 88.8 kg, week’s weight loss 0.8 kg (1.17 pounds); total weight loss; 35.6 kg; 78.3 pounds; 5 stones 8.5 pounds

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Day 291 – Grumpy and Knackered

This week has been non-stop filled with crap. Last week too. I am so tired I could cry. And I did. A lot and a lot and a lot and some more.

One day, my life will be so full of joy and happiness that I am going to look back at this year and see it as a totally insignificant blip and a very very very lucky escape from a wholly forgettable being.

I promise.

Christmas? That deserves a post all by itself. I haven’t bought a single thing. I don’t want to think about it just yet. A few more days please. Pretty please but I promise I will embrace that joy oh joy. And it shall be fun, fun, fun.

I promise…maybe.

While am at it, how long is it going to take to get this bloody decree nisi?

I don’t even want to think of this person let alone having to keep uttering and spelling his double barrelled name, the first of which, no one else has ever heard of and I always have to spell several times.

God, I just can’t wait to erase from all my documents and revert fully to my maiden name.

In other news, yesterday, I could have killed for a takeaway. 

Same as the day before and today if I’m honest. Nothing hideous, I fancy some healthy Japanese but I will resist as it will definitely spike a weight gain.

Instead, I’ll make myself some boiled eggs and cucumber salad.

Oh and I might treat myself to another diet coke. I’ve lost count of how many of that poisonous crap I have consumed this week to get the caffeine kick.

I’ve also discovered the kick of an espresso.

Rock and Roll..

Pop a happy pill already. You know you want to.

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