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Day 348: Week Fifty Weigh-in – Change the Narrative

This has been a FANTASTIC week on the weight loss front.

I have now lost just over 80 pounds.

OMG.

But first, some thoughts….

I went on my first diet at age 9.

I have been fat all my life.

The demons in my head mean that whenever the shit hit the fan, I turn to crap food, lots and lots of it.

I am also a Taurean. We love our food.

However, I am proud that in the year from hell, going through the most horrendous divorce ever, I have lost 5 st 10 and still losing.

I am not by any stretch of the imagination trying to claim that I have conquered the demons that mean food gives me comfort; as anyone who’s read my posts in the last couple of weeks will note, I haven’t.

I am a work in progress.

I fully accept that even when I reach goal weight, (when and not if) I will spend the rest of my life battling to stay slim. That is OK because the greatest armour to success is recognising a problem.

My goal is to change the narrative of my life.

I do not wish to be that girl that eats crap when shit happens.

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Easier said than done, I know.

If shit happens, I want to be that girl that hits the gym, works out as hard as possible, singing to sad love songs, belting out ABBA’s the Winner Takes it All or Gloria Gaynor’s I will Survive as loud as I can, with tears dramatically running down my eyes, like I’ve done quite a few times in my life!

If I need to ride the blues or feel full of angst and heartbreak, there are other things I could do that do not involve a packet of crisps, diet coke and takeaway.

I elect to change my life’s narrative.

This has been a fantastic week not just because I’ve lost a bunch of weight, but also because I am back in the gym.

I love fitness, I have worked out regularly for 20 years or so, even at over 127 kg, I was fit, working out 3 to 5 times a week.

Being in the gym, listening to music, singing along, if I’m in my home gym (as it will be kind of crazy to sing out loud in a public gym…) have always been a source joy for me.

I am thrilled that I have hopefully found a way to combine this low calorie diet with fitness and still lose weight.

Note to self: Well done!

Here’s hoping for another good week next week.

Week Fifty’s Verdict: today’s weight 87.9 kg, week’s weight loss 2.9 kg (6.4 pounds); total weight loss;  36.5 kg; 80.3 pounds; 5 stones 10 pounds

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10

Day 345 – The Joy of…Sex?

The good

So I hit my home gym for the first time in nearly 1 year.

I am lucky and have gym quality equipment in my home including a Life Fitness Recumbent exercise bike and TechnoGym Top XT

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What a revelation.

In the past, even at my heaviest weighing over 127 kg, I would use the gym 3 to 5 times a week and if I missed a week or two, I would immediately notice the loss of fitness.

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On Sunday, I was cycling like I had just cycled the previous day and not the previous year. My legs felt so light on the pedals – the effects of having lost 35 kg since the last time I cycled. I was singing to ABBA, truly in my element.

I hit the gym again yesterday and same as Sunday, 10 minutes on the bike and 10 minutes on the Top XT (which is like cycling with your hands). I had intended to eat little bit more protein as I still don’t believe it is OK to gym on the 810 calories I’m on but I was busy and didn’t.

I have missed fitness.

Oh how I have missed my gym.

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The bad

I had one of those weekends when it would have been great to have had a man around the house but I don’t and I coped just fine.

Massive water leak in my downstairs toilet, sitting room and corridors. I knew the stopcock for the water was in a kitchen cupboard but I couldn’t locate it.

My next door neighbours who have been very kind to me, came to the rescue as we tried to locate the stopcock. I thought it might have been covered by a kitchen cabinet panel which my neighbour unscrewed and voila.

With no water off, my kind neighbours offered to get me some fish and chips as they figured I wouldn’t want to cook. I declined gratefully. I cooked.

And then started my Saturday night. Plumber arrived, claimed it was a gas pipe or underfloor heating causing the leak and said that I needed a gas engineer.

Gas engineer arrives a couple of hours later, destroys my wall and paintings getting to radiators, says boiler pressure is fine, and that I needed…a plumber. He warns me that my new expensive amtico floor will have to be destroyed to locate the leak.

Fuck. I can’t afford to replace floors.

I waited until nearly midnight for the plumber to return and I called to be told he wasn’t coming. He would call before coming the next morning…but that was of course too much like hardwork, he just turned up at my door around 8, waking me from a dream where I was hugging the soon to be ex sister-in-law I’ll most likely never see again in my life and kissing her son, my much loved nephew who sadly I may never see again.

The plumber returns and says being Sunday, nothing could be done and I have to wait for Monday for thermal imaging to check where the leak was coming from.

I elect to have the water turned back on and to watch for leaks. I can have a long shower and flush toilets and live in the 21st Century.

Monday arrives, I’m told the thermal imaging will come Wednesday but at least I have running water.

But who cares about all that? I’ve re-discovered the joy of exercising and feel like I have a good bit of my old life once again.

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10

Day 343: Week Forty Nine’s Weigh-In – Must Do Better

I am disappointed in myself with today’s weigh-in.

It is not an excuse but I can’t begin to explain the immense stress I was on last couple of weeks before court. I must keep working on myself to make sure that immense stress doesn’t translate into reverting to destructive habits and putting on weight.

What’s done is done and I have to keep moving on. 

Giving up on this diet is definitely not an option I’m willing to take.

The occasions I’ve lost huge amounts of weight in the past, I seem to get to around 86 kg and then nothing happens and eventually the diet fails and the weight starts to creep back in.

I’m hoping to finally break this spell and get below the 86 kg mark. I am also hoping to never see 90 something kg on the scale ever again.

Note to self: Must do better.

Week Forty Nine’s Verdict: today’s weight 90.8 kg, week’s weight gain 1.3 kg (2.86 pounds); total weight loss; 33.6 kg; 73.9 pounds; 5 stones 4 pounds

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4

Day 342 – A Smile Slays All Kinds of Dragons

I survived court.

On the 15th anniversary of the day we met, my ex and I doggedly ignored each other. No acknowledgement of the other, no hellos, no eye contact, no forced little polite smiles, nothing but pure hatred and enmity.

S.A.D.

My young barrister with her 4 years experience is smart and held her own. My ex’s barrister with over 20 years experience was charming, fair, pragmatic and sensible. Unlike his ridiculous gutter solicitor connected with the sister of the woman he had an affair with, this experienced gentleman might hopefully bring a sensible head to the crap that had previously come from the other side.

I hope that the next hearing at the end of April will bring an end to this nightmare. I can only pray so, but only time will tell but I am resigned that this ends when it ends. If we have to wait for a final trial at the end of the year, so be it.

The judge also pronounced our decree nisi. My barrister had suggested this sensible, pragmatic approach of getting the judge at our FDA to pronounce a divorce nisi while the other side’s solicitor had been busy throwing a hissy fit, writing complaints to the court for the delay in the decree nisi and getting absolutely nowhere.

I did a happy dance immediately I left court because of the decree nisi. I am one pronouncement away from legally disentangling myself from this man.

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I am one step away from deleting his double barrel name from my life forever and ever. Never will I have to spell this name and be reminded of the owner who has hurt me beyond my worst nightmare.

It is very easy to dwell on the negatives of divorce but there are so many things to be grateful for, like having a wonderful supportive loving family. My mum and my sisters had prayed and fasted intensely for proceedings. My mum, a strong Catholic had also booked novena masses for me. I am extremely grateful and I am certain that God had a hand in some of the things that happened yesterday.

I am also extremely grateful for a few close friends who have been a rock and even old friends that have become close friends.

On Tuesday night, a friend I’ve known since secondary school, left her two children and spent the night at mine. On Tuesday night, we prayed together, praying again on Wednesday morning before court. We woke up at 6am on Wednesday to make our way together to court. She would come back home with me after court, for a late lunch before heading back home around 4.30pm.

She had taken a precious holiday from work to support me in court. I am so grateful that she would do that for me. This lady has been through a divorce from hell and has been a rock and a sensible head.

So…imagine my disgust when my arrogant ex asked to leave court because the judge was late for our appointed time and of course my ex is too important to wait for a judge.

I objected.

You’re not that important mister to leave the court we’ve both been summoned to attend, to return to your very important life, while I waited in court with this friend who had taken a day off work because of the mess he’s caused, plus a barrister and solicitor I was paying to stay there.

My ex, like us mere mortals, was forced to wait until our case was called and we had our day in court, as dictated by the court order we had both received.

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But enough of all that. It’s done. More to do in the next couple of months and I will get on with it in due course. I need a long weekend away from divorce crap and I’m taking time off.

I am happy to report that I have been back on my diet since Tuesday. On Tuesday night, I made some sweet potato crisps from scratch for my friend. It was absolutely delicious. So perhaps next time I fancy crisps, instead of shop bought ones, I shall make my own with allowable Cambridge Step Three sweet potatoes or even new potatoes.

I don’t regret the diet coke and crisps angst.

I am not superwoman; it only means that I have not conquered the demons that mean I turn to food when I am overwhelmed by stress but I can’t begin to explain the unbearable stress I have endured the last week but I’m moving on from that and doing the best I can in difficult circumstances.

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Oh when I met my young solicitor yesterday (I used to have a partner manage my case day to day but I couldn’t afford her, hence the young lawyer she supervises) her first words in the excitable manner of the young:

“Oh my God. You look so young. Oh my God, I didn’t expect you to look so young. Your face. Your skin.” She had exclaimed.

We laughed and gossiped every time the barrister left the room. In one of our chats, she declared that I must find a boyfriend.

There is joy to be found in every situation we find ourselves.

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7

Day 337 – Sadness Overwhelms Me :-(

I am overwhelmed by profound sadness that in two days’ time, I will find myself in court facing my ex, his gutter solicitor and expensive barrister – exactly 15 years to the day we first met; Saturday, 20th January, 2001.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that 15 years later, this is where we are.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that my ex has spent over £11,000, so far, on legal fees on our divorce but has never for one day stated exactly how he thinks our assets ought to be divided. Nothing. Nada.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that my ex’s behaviour has forced me to spend over £10,000 on legal fees.

Jesus Christ. Over £21,000 wasted on fuck all, is a lot of money by anyone’s standards. If this case goes to a final trial like I expect it would, we would have spent 3 or 4 or 5 times that amount.

For what exactly? Absolutely no progress whatsoever.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that after 15 years, my ex would rather spend silly money on lawyers, force me to do the same, rather than settle our disputes like civilised and intelligent people ought to do.

This man that I loved unconditionally for 14.5 years thinks that this sorry state of affairs is the best way forward. Why?

But things are what they are and I just have to get on with it hopeful that this nightmare will one day end.

My diet has fallen by the wayside in the last few days. If I’m totally honest, I’m not too bothered about it and will not kick myself for doing whatever I need to do to get over the stress and sadness that seek to drown me.

I have never smoked or been much of a drinker; my limit has always been one or two glasses of red wine. Last night, in my sadness and angst, I wished I was a smoker, puffing away on endless sticks of cigarettes and drinking shots after shots of whiskey. Instead, I had diet coke, crisps and toasts. Perhaps not quite the tragic romance of puffing away on cigarettes and drinking whiskey but equally as destructive.

Please don’t write to tell me to stay on my diet, don’t let the bastard derail me, blah blah blah.

I know and I will sort it soon enough.

I won’t stress about the diet. I have other much more important things to stress about.

I absolutely cannot wait to see the end of this week.

I will not stop my diet until I reach goal weight, so will sort it out when my head is able to.

Just please, let me get over this nightmare week.

2

Day 330 – One Day at a Time…

Assuming it doesn’t snow and I find myself snowed in and incapacitated, in just over a week, I will find myself in a court of law fighting over finances with my ex who unfortunately remains my husband because even though he filed for divorce in June, I haven’t even been granted a decree nisi, let alone a decree absolute which will only happen after our finances are settled, however long that takes.

Following my discovery of my ex’s affair, sitting in the kitchen side by side, I told him that whatever happened in our marriage, whether it survived or not, we must be sensible and commercial, sit down like we were and sort out our finances. We both agreed that it would be stupid and senseless to go to court because the only winners would be lawyers and their fees.

I remain willing to settle my financial affairs out of court but it takes two to tango and I’m resigned to going to court for as long as it takes.

It is a sad state of affairs that my ex and I only communicate through lawyers; I have done my best to settle out of court.

I initiated financial mediation which my ex ended. I initiated an out of court offer for settlement which my ex rejected and refused to make a counteroffer.

Instead of a counteroffer, I got shit back like the knife this man has struck into my back isn’t deep enough; he needs to pull it deeper, twist the knife round and round, and find new and innovative ways to hurt me.

I still have absolutely no idea whatsoever how this man thinks our financial affairs ought to be settled because he has never said. Not for one single day.

But of course when you are stupid enough to invite other people with all sorts of ulterior motives into your marriage and into its dissolutions, you get to where I find myself; an ex who for whatever reasons best known only to him and the idiotic people he’s allowed into his life, think the best bet is to surrender the dissolution of our affairs to a court of law from which there would be no winners other than the lawyers’ coffers.

Everyday, I find new things that tell me that the person I loved for 14.5 years is long dead and in his place, is a complete stranger who has invaded his body.

Who is this person that has ignored a court mandated deadline given as far back as October? The man I loved was a sensible law abiding person who respected processes.

This arrogant piece of shit that ignores court mandated deadlines and instructs a gutter, dirty lawyer who doesn’t even have the professional courtesy to inform the other side’s lawyer of delays in meeting court deadlines, is a scumbag low life.

This person is a complete stranger to me and most definitely not the kind of company I would keep; and thankfully I don’t.

Yesterday, a friend told me how she and her ex sorted out their divorce settlement, getting a judge to rubber-stamp their agreement with praises from the judge; I envied her amicable divorce.

But things are what they are and I have no choice but to accept them and get on with it as best as I can.

This like any bad period of one’s life is only a phase; it will not last forever. It will last for as long as it lasts but not forever.

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I’m staying on the diet…just.

My head even as I write this, is filled with thoughts of food and the comfort food brings but this is how I got to where I am, so I must try my best to resist. I felt proud of myself yesterday making endless coffees with biscuits, chocolates and crisps for my friend and chomping on my Cambridge bar.

My head was filled afterwards with thoughts of the yummy crisps I had served her, it still is; a little wouldn’t hurt but I know I wouldn’t stop at a little, I would eat the whole packet and hence prolong the vicious cycle of obesity.

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One day at a time sweet Jesus.