2

Day 369: Week 53 Weigh-in – Six Stones Loss

Today is exactly 1 year and 4 days since I started the Cambridge Diet.

As the heading says, I am super chuffed to report that I have now lost exactly six stones.

I am totally stunned by the fact that if I lose just under a stone and a half, (9.4kg) my BMI will go from obese to overweight.

I have not been overweight since I was 18 years old.

This week, I have also noticed that I am actually smaller. I took a picture of myself trying some clothes out. I looked smaller. I had to make sure it wasn’t just the camera angle. I took another picture. And another. And another. And another.

There were no magical tricks by my phone camera. I have actually lost noticeable weight.

I was wearing size 12 clothes. I pinch myself but yes, I can wear size 12 clothes.

proud of myself

This weekend, I am having an all girls’ party. It will be fun and there will be lots of food. I will have a great time, enjoy a treat or two but I will try my best not to go mad.

Thank you to all of you that have stayed on this journey with me and supported me through it all. Still a way to go but I’ll get there.

thank you

Week Fifty three’s Verdict: today’s weight 86.1 kg, week’s weight loss 1.8 kg (3.96 pounds); total weight loss;  38.3 kg; 84.3 pounds; 6 stones 0.4 pounds

84

Advertisements
4

Day 363: Be My Valentine?

I am nearly one full year from the day that I started the low calorie, low carb, Cambridge diet Step 2, eating 810 calories.

I have now lost nearly 6 stones.

I will forever be proud of the fact that when humongous shit hit the proverbial fan, instead of drowning in food like I have done all my life, I elected to change the narrative and stayed on a diet that I had only started a week before my life as I knew it, changed forever.

It hasn’t been a perfect weight loss story, far from it.

I have succumbed to stress and food various times throughout the year, but no one said it would be an easy journey especially going through an unexpected, volatile and toxic divorce.

The important thing is that I have persevered. I promise myself and everyone that follows this diary that I will not quit trying until I get to goal weight.

winners don't quit

This last year has shown me parts of myself that I didn’t even know existed.

I have grown in ways I didn’t know were possible. I have achieved things I didn’t know I could.

I have found strength mentally, that I didn’t know I had.

I can’t claim that I have ever been one for self loathing, quite the opposite. But this last, year, modesty apart, has shown me that I am quite an extraordinary person.

I am worthy of great things.

I am a good person.

I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy with the person that looks back at me.

I can look at myself, ditch modesty and say, you know what, you are a beautiful woman inside and outside. You deserve the best and your best is yet to come.

beautiful strong

This will be the first Valentine’s Day since 1994, yes, 22 consecutive years that I haven’t had a significant other who would send me cards, flowers and presents, professing love.

But I am good with that.

It is very OK.

For the first time in my life, I realise that my long held view that I don’t do single life, that I am one of those women who can’t be on my own, that I need a man in my life to complete me, is a fallacy.

Right now, I cannot see myself ever doing the whole relationship and love thing.

I have been hurt beyond my worst nightmares.

If my marriage and my unshakeable belief in the solidness of that relationship could end like it has, or the person that I had loved more than I had ever loved any man in my entire life, could end like this, I do not trust my own judgment nor do I trust any man.

Nor would I ever want to give anyone that much power ever again to hurt me.

But forever is a long time.

I am perfectly happy with my single life and whilst I haven’t given up on sex (far from it) there are ways of having safe, healthy and respectful sex without inviting a man into my heart.

It does not mean that I no longer believe in love or happily ever after or that I don’t wish those in relationships the very best of luck. It’s just not a fairytale I see for myself.

I am still the die hard romantic that I have always been. 

I still watched the end of War and Peace with the biggest smile ever. I’m not ashamed to say that on Sunday night, I rewound that last scene three times with that smile firmly on my face.

heart proud

And if some day, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years time, I wake up and decide that I wanted to share my life with another man again, I would not fight it or allow the toxicity of 2015 to stop me from loving again or doing whatever I wanted.

So, tomorrow, there will be no romantic cards professing undying love.

There will be no heart shaped expensive chocolates to stuff my face with.

There will be no three course dinners with champagne to celebrate love.

There will be no man looking at me and declaring undying love.

But that is perfectly fine.

My tomorrow will still be filled with love.

It will be filled with the love for myself that makes me strive to be the best that I can be.

It will be filled with love that means that I will stay firmly on my diet and keep striving to lose my excess weight.

And more importantly, it will be filled with the unwavering and unconditional love of my family.

My weight has been the same for the last two weeks. This morning, my body gave me an early Valentine’s Day present by losing 1.3 kg (2.86lbs) in one day.

As of today wearing my PJ and not the official weigh-in day outfit, I am 86.4 kg. I do not remember the last time I was 86.4 kg. 

If I lose two more pounds, I will be a weight that I haven’t been since I was a teenager.

Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone who reads this diary. May you have love, peace and every happiness.

82 pounds

 

2

Day 355: Week 51 Weigh-In – Moving On for Dummies

Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons.

Sometimes the lessons are subtle, blink and you miss it, other times, it is an all singing, all dancing, hip swaying, rainbow coloured flag waving, finger pointing, in your face life lesson.

I have had one of those in your face lessons: why it’s best to keep moving on.

I have always been the sort of person that if someone important to me does something that annoys me, instead of carrying a grudge, I would rather tell them my mind and then very quickly get over it.

But I guess usual rules do not apply to marriage break-ups from hell, especially when the other person has continued to behave badly and there is no relationship or any association whatsoever to salvage.

So this week’s life’s lesson is to keep moving on…

While you’re crying over the end of a relationship or carrying a grudge, the other guy is out dancing.

In my case, quite literally.

grudge

So about that life lesson in moving on….

At the end of May 2015, I was in a seriously scary, dark place. It had only been a couple of weeks since my  husband sent an email from a business trip in Singapore, ending our 11 years marriage and 14.5 years relationship, telling me he would not be coming home. It was not about the woman he had an affair with, he wants to “forge ahead alone.”

My mental health had crumbled at the devastation caused by the unexpected end of my marriage, my ex’s betrayal and his despicable behaviour. I had been so blissfully happy in my life with an ex, who had pretended to feel the same, while using online dating websites and seeking a way out, throughout our relationship.

I didn’t see the end of my marriage coming in a billion years.

Documenting my year, with this blog, my paper diary, photographs and videos I take of myself, May is littered with lots of extremely dark thoughts, pictures and videos of me crying my eyes out.

(Self portraits and self videos? WTF. I know, I know!)

I remember writing this blog post after I had literally spent the whole of the May bank holiday, crying.

That weekend, my ex had moved to Weybridge, 5 minutes away from Mylien, his 49 year old married mother of two, Vietnamese mistress, who he had met on a singles dating website.

At one point that long May weekend, I thought that if not for the fact that it would literally kill my mother and my sisters if anything happened to me, there was nothing to live for.

I couldn’t see any light at the end of the very dark tunnel.

I had lost the love of my life. The ying to my yang. My true soulmate. My only soulmate. My other half. My missing link. The only man I had ever wanted to father my future children (I recoil at that last one as my future children do not deserve a psychopath for a father.) The only man that had ever completed me. The only man that I had ever truly, completely and unconditionally loved, without reservation.

Blah blah blah.

Cry me a river.

That weekend, my ex’s sister had called me, telling me how she had asked her brother 3 times whether his affair had ended and he had sworn it had ended. She told me her brother regretted the email he sent from Singapore saying he wasn’t coming back home. She said he had never told either her or his mother that our marriage had ended. She wanted me to be strong as she thought her brother had gone crazy because she knew how much he loved me and how much he was devoted to me, echoing the same comments my mother-in-law had made that same weekend. She believed him when he said the affair had ended. She would understand that I might not take him back but he didn’t want to end our marriage.

She was messing with my head.

So my life lesson is this…

In my darkness, all that sadness, crying, heartbreak, devastation, thinking my world had ended, soon to be ex mother-in-law and sister-in-law telling me my ex had sworn that the affair had ended, guess what my soon to be ex husband was doing?

That half term that started with May bank holiday, he was on a holiday in Butlins Minehead, Somerset, with Mylien, his married mistress, her two children and her friends. He had driven over 3 hours from Weybridge to holiday in Somerset.

While I was crying and wondering whether my life was worth living, my ex was busy playing happy families with someone else’s wife and someone else’s children, eating ice cream, enjoying playground rides, continuing to lie to his mother and only sibling that the affair had ended and having a jolly good time.

Isn’t it funny how life teaches you a lesson?

grudge 2

Oh and to quote one of his “best friends”:

“I don’t mean to be personal, but you are a gorgeous woman. I could never understand the two of you together but it seemed to work and I had never met two people so much in love. You will be fine. Why would anyone want an affair with him? The only thing going for him is that he’s occasionally funny, in a weird way, and he earns a lot of money. Seriously, why on earth would anyone want to have an affair with him?”

Yes, I’m moving the fuck on, as difficult as it is in an extremely stressful week where I have literally spent every single day and countless hours dealing with divorce crap.

But this too will pass and I just can’t wait until the finances and divorce are settled and I never have to waste any energy whatsoever on this SOB.

Week Fifty one’s Verdict: today’s weight 87.9 kg, week’s weight loss 0 kg (0 pounds); total weight loss;  36.5 kg; 80.3 pounds; 5 stones 10 pounds