I received my decree absolute in the post today.
I am now formally and fully a divorced woman.
I have mixed emotions.
On one hand, I feel sad that my marriage had ended. I got married in a Catholic Church to a non Catholic and in order to do so, I needed dispensation from the pope to marry a non-Catholic in the church. I am a lapsed Catholic and the first to admit that I rarely ever go to church but various parts of the religion and Christianity as a whole, are still very important to me. I also firmly believe that my relationship with God transcends organised religion.
I married in church firmly believing that it would last forever. I believed in the vows I made and in sticking to my marriage in sickness and in health. I firmly believed in taking the good with the bad. I made a firm commitment to stick with my marriage even when my ex’s erectile dysfunction and the bad or lack of sex drove me insane. I stuck to my marriage even though I desperately wanted children and my ex’s issues had presented difficulties.
That happily ever after thing hasn’t worked out for me and I am at peace with that. My marriage ended and I have moved on.
Perhaps having a failed marriage is not something to celebrate but after the hell my ex has put me through, my feelings of sadness at the end of marriage, are also mixed with relief and gratitude that this chapter of my life is finally, firmly over.
I am no longer connected to this man who has turned out to be anything but the saint I had painted him to be.
I am no longer connected to a liar, a cheat, a weak, dishonest man, an unintelligent person who has shown himself to be incapable of being an adult or a real man or a thinking man who uses his God given thinking faculties, someone who is decent and recognises right from wrong, and who doesn’t just blindly follows “legal advisement”, whatever the fuck that means, especially when that advice is clearly flawed, repugnant, heartless, mean-spirited and immoral.
I am no longer connected to an undignified man whose memory is so short, he lacks any sense of decorum, loyalty, honesty and the barest of human decency.
For sure, a failed marriage is not a cause for celebration but I never asked for my marriage to end, it wasn’t my choice. It has happened and I have made peace with that fact.
But now I have a second chance in life. A chance to work on myself, to be the best version of myself that I can be.
A chance to pursue happiness, follow my dreams, make a success of my life but without ever losing my humanity or the fundamental belief that no matter what successes or failures I face, I must always remain a GOOD person.
So whilst I have mixed emotions that this part of my life has firmly ended, I am also thankful for a chance to start again.