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Day 247 – The Cycle of Grief Overwhelms Me

Last Friday, I wrote a very positive post about moving on.

Following that post, I decided to update the About Me section of this blog from the start of this weight loss journey where I wrote about wanting to lose weight for a 9th IVF cycle with “my wonderful husband” and the “love of my life”.

What total bollocks.

How is that love of my life crap working out for me?

Writing that update that doesn’t even list 1% of the incomprehensible cruelty I have faced from this man since he ended our marriage by email and engaged his mistress’ sister’s lawfirm for our divorce, triggered something and since then, I am back to feeling extremely angry with this scumbag.

Shit happens.

Marriages end. That’s fine.

If my husband had ended our marriage but had attempted to do the fair and decent thing by me instead of the incomprehensible and continuing cruelty and unreasonableness from him, I won’t be crying and writing this post.

I am so very angry at this man.

Angry that this scumbag sleeps easy and is happy to leave me with absolutely nothing after loving him, supporting him and helping to build him for over 14 years.

Angry that this spineless, psychopathic, serpent has lost all decency and is completely deluded from what is right or wrong.

Angry that this scumbag could not do the decent thing by someone that stood by him for over 14 years and instead, has chosen to invite these despicable, morally repugnant people he has known for two minutes into our lives; his mistress, her divorce lawyer sister and her law firm, who with his riches, he has on tap 24/7, to dictate what he should or should not be doing with the end of his marriage.

Angry that this scumbag has given this evil woman, not only my home address and the mobile phone number I have had since 1994, and that I had received a call on her behalf spurting her nonsensical crap.

Thanks Mylien for finally confirming your identity with that call.

Angry that he sleeps easily at night happy with his decision to pay £0 to me and towards a house he owns half of, and is demanding that I immediately sell, even though this has been my home for over 11.5 years, I have sunk my life savings into my home and have paid much more than he has.

Angry that this evil man demands evidence of facts he witnessed daily for over 14 years.

Angry that life moves on so easily for him, while I face unfathomable daily difficulties that completely overwhelm me.

Before I get any emails or messages telling me that I should get over the end of my marriage, forget my ex and move on, believe me, no one knows that more than I do.

I am doing my best because I know that anger eats you up.

It is also totally pointless being angry with a stone cold, emotionally dead, heartless scumbag who is busy enjoying his life and his riches and sleeping soundly at night while I stay awake fuming.

I do not want to stay angry with my scumbag ex.

I do not want to lose even a second of thoughts to this evil man or think about him for even a second.

I do not want to lie awake at night worrying about my life and fuming at his cruelty.

I do not want to think of the unfairness of this cruel situation that I have found myself in.

I do not want to cry myself to sleep.

I do not want to have anything negative in my life.

This is what it is and I am working on myself to keep positive and move on with my life as best as I can even though it is impossible to move on when I will not disentangle myself from this scumbag for another year.

Some days like today, the cycle of grief overwhelms me and it all seems so very impossible.

I have to have hope that there will be rainbow after the rainfall.

I have to have hope that there will be laughter and sunshine.

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4

Day 158 – Loving Me Now And Always

I want to move on with my life; I really do.

I do not wish to be consumed by anger; I really don’t.

I’ve had a tough couple of weeks.

I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I do not know how to start re-building my shattered life.

I do not know how I could have a full and fulfilling life with my specific limitations which I cannot explain right now.

I do not know how to find that joy of life; that joie de vivre.

Yesterday, I sobbed throughout therapy.

I asked my therapist why I am back to feeling like complete and utter shite.

Why am I am back to being utterly depressed and so angry with my spouse after my empathy phase?

Shouldn’t things be getting better instead of finding myself several times in the last week sobbing my eyes out?

She said the cycle of grief repeats itself.

The fact that I had an angry phase doesn’t mean that I was done with anger. I should give myself time. I will have bad days and good days and with time, the good days will be more than the bad days.

She will look into extending our therapy sessions.

I suspect I will be in the therapy for a very long time but there’s no shame in seeking help.

Yesterday, I showed my therapist the romantic handwritten Valentine’s day card my husband had given me 10 days before I found out about his affair.

His handwritten note talked about loving me now and always.

That Valentine’s morning, he had come home after 2 am, blaming his busy workload. I would later find taxi receipts showing he had paid £50 to come back that early morning from his mistress’ house.

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My therapist declared that no one seeing that card would guess that I had anything other than a loving marriage.

She said that would explain the shock of the breakdown of my marriage. 

Today is another bad day.

I am consumed with anger for my spouse.

I am angry with him for thinking that it is perfectly OK to be as wicked and thoughtless as he has been to me since he ended our marriage by email.

I am angry with him for shunning all financial responsibilities towards me and abdicating all responsibilities and decency.

I am angry with him for making me feel certain that the 14 years I spent loving him mean absolutely nothing to him.

I am angry with him for being so pathetically weak, he is swayed by others and cannot decide for himself what is right and wrong.

I am angry with him for thinking that as long as I am not in “penury” – the standard by which he has chosen to judge my circumstances, after 14 years, it is perfectly OK for him to keep his extremely high salary all to himself and pay £0 to me and towards the maintenance of a house he claims to own half of.

I am angry with him for whatever reasons best known to him, making this transition as difficult as possible.

I am angry with him for thinking it is OK for him to continue to enjoy the standard of living we once had but for me to have to watch every penny I spend.

I am angry with him for making me swallow the unfairness of his actions because, right now, I am not prepared to squander savings that will help me in the future fighting him incomprehensible and unreasonable actions in the courts, in the interim.

I am angry with him for making a vow to me in church, for better for worse and thinking that he can predict the future and bail now because he wants a different future for himself that he reckons will be all rosy. Karma is a bitch.

I am angry with him for being so pathetically petty, that a man who has a very senior banking job and earns a hell of a lot of money thinks that it’s perfectly OK to delete my profile from Netflix (£5.99 a month) and cancel a pre-paid subscription of Spotify paid up until mid November (otherwise £9.99 a month) at a time he’s paying me £0.

I am angry at him for not being a man of his word; for not being a man at all.

I am angry at him for spending 14 years looking for a way out of our relationship, while being an evil serpent, lying with me, lying to me, and professing his love on a daily basis.

I am angry with him for breaking the contract of our marriage and thinking it is perfectly OK to change the rules of the game, in the middle of the game.

I am angry with him for stealing my youth, stealing my best reproductive years and yet, thinking he owes me absolutely nothing.

I am extremely angry at my spouse for being the biggest disappointment of my entire life bar none.

In other news, the weight loss has stalled the last couple of weeks. I am doing my best to kickstart things. This weight loss is my biggest achievement this year. It is my anchor. I desperately need it to continue.

Please God. Please whatever is good in the universe.