4

Day 325 – Care to Lose a Stone in 10 Weeks?

I had CBT therapy today and my therapist was very surprised when I told her how much weight I’ve lost so far. I guess it is difficult for someone who sees you regularly to realise that you’ve grown smaller. Either that or I am just huge…and still huge!

I’m energised with my weight loss quest and highly motivated to keep going and get to goal without messing around…too much.

So this year, I have set myself two mini targets to aim for, as well as a revised final target to reach goal weight, all with realistic and achievable timeframes – if I stick to the plan.

No messing.

lets fucking do this

All weights are based on my upstairs weight, wearing my nightie and not the official Cambridge Diet weight downstairs wearing the now tattered clothes I’ve won for every single official weigh-in.

Given that I have never been anywhere near the weight that takes my BMI into a healthy range (63.8kg; 10 stones) there is a chance that I might hit a weight that is more realistic for my body long before then and feel comfortable enough to start maintenance. For example, Dukan Diet, a diet that I have done with some success in the past, has calculated my realistic ideal weight based on my weight history, to be around 74kg; 11 stone 9. I suspect my real ideal weight might be more the Dukan weight than BMI but that’s a decision I would be very happy and extremely lucky to get to.

I am not doing New Year resolutions this year – it’s just a recipe for setting oneself up for failure. Instead, I choose to just get on with things and to try my utmost best to ensure that whatever crap (or joy) is going on in my life does not affect my weight loss journey.

I’ve got to do this one thing for myself. Lose weight.

Mini-Target One – Lose a Stone in 10 Weeks

By any weight-loss programme, losing a stone in 10 weeks is a realistic goal and I will be kicking myself if I don’t make this weight loss target.

If I hit this mini goal, I will be just another stone from my BMI becoming “overweight”. I have not been anywhere near overweight since I was 18 years old.

Starting Weight: 89.6kg; 14 stone 1

Starting Date: Tuesday 5th January, 2016

Goal Weight: 83.2kg; 13 stone 1

Goal Date: Tuesday 15th March, 2016

Total Weight-loss: 6.4 kg; 1 stone

Weeks to Target: 10 weeks

Weekly Weight Loss to Hit Goal: 0.64kg; 1.4lbs

Mini-Target Two – Best Birthday Present Ever: Become Overweight!

Starting Weight: 89.9kg; 14 stone 2

Starting Date: Monday 4th January, 2016

Goal Weight: 76.6kg; 12 stone

Goal Date: Monday 23rd May, 2016 (two weeks after my 43rd birthday)

Total Weight-loss: 13.3kg; 2 stone 1

Weeks to Target: 20 weeks

Weekly Weight Loss to Hit Goal: 0.67kg; 1.5lbs

Goal Weight Target – Hit Healthy BMI and Be Slim by End of Summer!

Starting weight: 90.6kg; 14 stone 3

Starting Date: Sunday 3rd January, 2016

Goal Weight: 63.8kg; 10 stone

Goal Date: Friday 30th September

Total Weight-loss: 26.8kg; 4 stone 3 pounds

Weeks to Target: 38 weeks and 5 days

Weekly Weight Loss to Hit Goal: 0.69kg; 1.5lbs

Would you like to join me in losing 1 stone in 10 weeks?

If so, please drop a comment here or check out the contact page and send me a private email. We can keep each other motivated and more importantly, accountable regardless of what weight loss or healthy regime you are on.

You can visualise what you might look at your idea weight like I have done in this post using Model My Diet.

Good luck to all of us.

Let’s kick some (fat) arse.

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5

Day 86 – I Have Love

Yesterday was my 42nd birthday.

I was dreading the day because it would be the first birthday in 15 years that my husband hadn’t been in my life. I had prepared myself for a miserable day. I had mentally prepared myself for the fact that even though he knows what an excitable child I am about my birthday, a day usually filled with lots of pampering, fun and presents from him, my husband would not contact me. I had mentally prepared myself that his mum and sister, might not contact me.

I was very wrong about the latter. My in-laws have been amazingly supportive in all of this.

Sadly, I was right about my husband. This man who’s known me since I was 27 years old. This man who has broken my heart into immeasurable pieces and hurt me beyond all belief, hurt so gigantic, I still get moments when the shock of it hits me every single day, willing myself to wake up from the nightmare.

Of course he hadn’t been in contact.

This man hadn’t thought that mere decency and 14 years was worthy of a text, an email, anything, acknowledging that I might be hurting and might not be having the best birthday in the world, but nevertheless acknowledging my birthday with some best wishes or some kindness or absolutely anything.

Even when I was forced to email him to say that he had given me the wrong password for one of the complicated mess he’s left me to figure out, he couldn’t be bothered to reply with the correct password, let alone acknowledge that it was my previously very special and excitable day.

I heard absolutely nothing.

Has this man always been this cruel and I hadn’t noticed because I was so in love? Has he always been this utterly thoughtless? Has he always been this despicable and hateful?

Well…no thanks to the man I had wasted 14 childbearing years and my youth on, I had a great birthday.

It was naturally very sad at times and I tried my best to drown those sadness with music and things that would lift my spirit. It started with midnight messages from my sisters and a good friend that stays awake every year to wish me happy birthday on the stroke of midnight. I got lots of phone calls and messages filled with love and hope for the future from family and friends.

My soon to be ex mother-in-law and sister-in-law who have been extremely kind and supportive in this nightmare, called to sing happy birthday. The two nephews that I had been heartbroken at the thoughts that my divorce could mean that I never see them grow up, sang happy birthday to me, one after the other. My friend and god daughter recorded happy birthday messages and more singing for me on Whatsapp.

My Cambridge consultant Mandy who has become a dear friend and an immense rock, popped in with a very thoughtful and kind present and a “cake” complete with candle…well not actually a cake, a Cambridge diet Jelly.

2015-05-11 19.15.18

A good friend also chose the spend the whole evening with me, trying to help me sort out some of the things my husband had bailed and left me to figure out.

He succeeded in convincing me that whilst my husband might no longer love or fancy me, other men would find me “gorgeous”.

So…last year’s birthday started with breakfast in bed, tons of expensive presents from my husband and ended with a tasting menu at the fancy 2 Michelin Star Notting Hill Restaurant Ledbury, which we both declared were the best meals we’d ever eaten. This year, I had omelette and cucumber for dinner and Mandy’s Cambridge diet jelly.

But you know what, I would rather eat eggs.

I would rather stay 100% on my diet and have an omelette than fancy dinner with someone who has no respect for me or who might have sat there, instead of acknowledging and appreciating the wonderful life he had, was hungering after greener grass.

This year, I had genuine love from friends and family.

Most importantly, I have self-love.

I have self-love because I am trying my best to be the best that I can be. I know it will be impossibly difficult and that it will take time to recover from the psychological damages of the last 11 weeks, but I will get there some day.

Yesterday, I sent myself some gorgeous flowers with a card message.

20150512_191245

My typed message was handwritten and I’m guessing transcribed by the florist who delivered it who looked at me with sympathetic eyes. She must have called me sweetheart four times and asked me if I was OK and to take care.

The kindness of strangers.

The message on my card to myself said:

I am beautiful, intelligent, creative, kind and generous.
I have a lot going for me.
This period sucks but the sun will shine again.
Simply take it one day at a time.
Happy birthday.
Go me! xxx

2015-05-11 11.23.28

9

Day 80 – I Will Survive. But Will I? Really?

I am incredibly sad today.

I am overwhelmed by life. I am a little OCD and I am scared by little changes, let alone the impossibly massive changes happening in my life. I try to limit the panic attacks.

This is my worst nightmare.

I am overwhelmed by all I have to do to survive this impossible period of my life. I am overwhelmed by the impossibly complicated systems, TV, computers, even window blinds, in every part of my home which my husband has left me to begin to untangle alone while he skips along happily forging ahead with his new life and his wonderful fresh start.

Where the fuck do I start?

I’m told that things will get better with time but right now, it all seems bleak and dark. The rainbow is hidden by thick dark clouds.

Will the sun ever shine again?

dark-clouds-wallpapers

Searching for various things today, all I seem to find are countless romantic cards from someone who always wrote about loving me forever. Instead, every single day, I make new despicable, wicked and ill-advised discoveries that continue to provoke and treat me with utter contempt.

I am the cheated on wife. I am the wronged one. I am the one who discovered his affair, dating website profiles and countless chats with numerous women online. He was the one who for 10 weeks continued secretly seeing his mistress who is married with two kids whilst pretending to save our marriage.

He is the one that cheated. He is the one that left. He is the despicable monster that ended 14 years relationship by email drafted by him and his Vietnamese mistress. And yet, he has chosen to treat me like utter shite???

He was the one that agreed with his married mistress that after 14 years, our marriage was easily disposable because we haven’t got children; never mind the 8 IVF treatments I endured and his sperm issues that caused the childlessness. She asked him countless times to leave me. If he left me, she pledged to leave her husband.

Why doesn’t she leave her husband first? I asked. Because they have two children. Two utterly morally bankrupt and despicable monsters.

Tomorrow is my dearest aunt’s funeral. She was extremely close to my mum who is utterly devastated. It all happened so suddenly. I will always be extremely saddened by the fact that as my aunt laid in a coma for a week, desperately fighting for her life, my mother instead of focussing on her darling sister and reflecting on their lives together, spent the week burdened with my doomed marital woes.

Monday May 11th is my birthday. I am very big on birthdays. This will be the saddest birthday of my entire life.

But I’ve got to have hope. I’ve got to stay positive. I’ve got to stay strong. There will be other birthdays. For one thing, next birthday, I will be slim and fit.