2

Day 623 – Thank You to Good Friends…We Are Yet to Meet.

I don’t care if it takes me a trillion days, a billion fails and a million restarts.

I owe it to myself and to every single person who reads this blog and who cares about my journey, to keep chipping away at my fat, until I reach goal.

So….I’m back on the diet wagon.

I want to say a massive thank you to all of you who have followed my journey and those of you who have become my friends on Facebook through this blog, and who have extended a real and genuine hand of friendship.

thank you

Although we have not met face to face…yet, your friendship and support are tremendously important and hugely appreciated by me.

Let’s face it, you know my innermost thoughts, which 99% of people closest to me in the “real world”, whatever that is, are not privy to. 

You are all very important to me as real and virtual lives merge in our world.

The comment below on my Facebook following my last post, from an incredible lady who I have not met…yet, but who I greatly admire and very much care about, like I do my closest “real life” friends, moved me more than I can express.

And so, I say, thank you.

“You are so brave! What a journey you’ve been on! I remember a year ago telling you it would get easier….and I stand by that….it does, but I too, after 8 years of being divorced received a letter from my ex last week…and it still hurts. In my experience the pain dulls, but it never leaves entirely.

But that discomfort mustn’t stop you moving forward with your life and pursuing your own happiness every moment of every day!

This may not be the outcome you’d have chosen but it is a new page, a clean sheet for you to put your mark on, and knowing you lovely one, it’ll be beautiful!!! Big Love xxxx”

4

Day 610 – From the mouth of babes….

Yesterday, I spent nearly 5 hours in the company of two delightful boys, one is 7 and the other is 5.

We baked shortbread biscuits and a two layered vanilla birthday cake, with buttercup frosting, complete with birthday messages and candles, after which we invited their parents and 5 month old brother to join our little tea party.

I did not even have a teeny weeny piece of cake.

This is a first.

Ever.

There is hope for me yet.

birthday-cake

At one point, the 5 year old declared that I was his best “Belle.” His mum tells me this is the height of his compliments.

At another point, he said:

“Mummy said you’re separated from your husband and you are no longer friends. You have two new friends, X and Y.” He proclaimed, naming his brother and himself.

That comment nearly moved me to tears. I gave both of them a high five, a kiss and a cuddle.

He also declared that I had the nicest kitchen in the whole wide world.

mouth-of-babes

Isn’t it just amazing how kids can make everything seem so easy and uncomplicated?

not-complicated

Since the last time that I wrote, the transfer of equity of my beautiful home into my sole name has completed. I looked at the title deed with my full name on it, with tears of joy, so much pride and immense gratitude that I have come out of my nightmare with a clean break and with my home as mine.

Just over a week ago, I finally deleted my ex ‘s phone numbers and that of his mum and sister from my contact list. The time was right and it felt good to have that firm closure.

But…things are not completely over.

My ex is still continuing with his ridiculous and crazy stance of taking me to court to fight over a previously jointly used mac computer which is over three years old and which I have been using alone since he left in April 2015.

The fact that this man is going ahead with this utterly ridiculous case tells me that his madness has not waned. His ludicrous barrister, with over 20 years experience, had demanded half a day of a busy Central London court, the busiest family court in the country, to talk shit about this computer.

The court has allocated 5 minutes instead of the demanded half a day.

Oh and for this laughable case, we are both required to prepare like a real case, exchange witness statements, evidence and all sorts.

I have been told to be prepared to be totally lambasted by an angry judge for this stupid matter coming to court but so be it. 

I look forward to a fun trip to Central London after which I will meet a friend for dinner and have a laugh.

crazy

In other news, I am still doing well in my diet.

I am also using my gym and in the last couple of weeks, have decided to weigh once a week instead of my previous obsession of weighing two or three times daily.

2

Week One, Day 572 – My Journey…Is Right on Time

A planned day off my diet, ended up being a week off my diet.

And so, on Saturday, I had yet another restart and so far, I’ve been 100% on my diet.

I am beginning to worry whether I will fail in this diet quest.

I obviously do not want to fail.

I am currently at a weight that is comfortable for me and I have never really managed to get below this sort of weight in any diet that I have been on.

Ever.

I have been on a quest to lose weight since age 9. I am 43 years old. 34 years of excessive fat is a long history to overcome. Even if I think of my weight struggles as an adult, since the age of 18, that means 25 years old of history. That’s a lot of years.

It is easy to give up.

It is easy to say that I have failed at every attempt to get to a healthy weight all my life and why should this time and this diet be any different.

It is easy to say that my history is very much against me.

It is easy to accept that maybe I’m just not meant to ever be a size 6.

It is easy to let the negativity get to me.

But self-love is about telling yourself the truth and being brutally honest with yourself.

Self-love is about admitting that there are all sorts of plans I have for my future that will never happen if I remain obese.

Self-love is about being the best version of myself that I can be.

Self-love is about reminding myself that I have survived 17 months of pure hell. That girl that thought that she didn’t want to live because her marriage ended, that girl who would cry herself to sleep over the heartbreak of the end of her marriage, survived that pure hell.

If I can survive 17 months of pure hell, surely I can control what goes from my hands to my mouth and therefore whether I remain obese forever or have a better life at a healthy weight.

I am channelling the me that  achieved ambitions way beyond all limitations even when I’m told by those who should know better to lower my expectations and ambitions.

I am channelling the me that achieved first class honours degree, distinction in post graduate studies, who won every single academic prize available and ended up  working in one of the top companies in the world in my professional field, before illness caused me to stop work.

own-hero

I am channelling the me that has a can do attitude that means that no is never the answer and who uses intelligence and creativity to create solutions for every problem that presents itself.

I am channelling the me that may have been dealt with a few bad hands by fate but is still standing and still finds reasons to smile.

I know the me above is still very much around, because that person is the only reason I could have survived my 17 months of hell.

That person can get to the end of this weight loss quest.

And so, I pledge that I do not care how often I fall down on this quest to break a weight problem of a lifetime, I will get up whenever I fail and I will carry on.

mirror-mirror

I do not care that every body else on the internet is losing all their excess weight in a few short months and my journey is taking forever. We are all different and we all have our own lives and quests to overcome.

This is my journey and it will take as long as it takes.

I do not care that my body doesn’t lose as much weight as everyone seem to do on the Cambridge diet, I will keep going.

I do not care that my body frustrates the hell out of me by often ceasing to lose weight when I am doing everything right, I will keep going until I reach my destination.

now-is-right-on-time

And so, here I am again, promising myself and everyone who has followed my weight loss quest that I will keep going until I hit a healthy weight or at least a weight that I have never achieved before given that I have no idea whether an NHS prescribed BMI friendly weight would look good on this 43 year old who has never been a healthy weight.

I am on yet another self-imposed 28 days challenge to lose a stone. The plan is to stay strictly on my diet except for one meal when a very good friend is taking me out to a very fancy restaurant for lunch. Yes, there is something like a free lunch…

And yes, it will be one lunch that will not be 100% on plan, but this time, it will stop at only one meal and not one week.

Week One, Day 572’s Verdict: today’s weight 90.1 kg, week’s weight loss 3.6 kg (7.9 pounds); total weight loss;  33.7 kg; 74.1 pounds; 5 stones 4 pounds

 

4

Day 507 – Variety is the Spice of Life

Today is Day 15 of my 21 day challenge to stay 100% on my diet and I am thrilled to report that I have managed to stay on track every single day of the challenge.

Daily weight fluctuations meant a slight weight increase (o.3kg) today but I’m not overly concerned as I was 100% yesterday and the increase might have been spiked by unexpected hard exercising yesterday – I was late for an appointment and so I basically sprinted My body doesn’t like hard intensity.

Anyways, as of yesterday, I ha”d lost 5.9 kg in 13 days.

I have been experimenting with different foods. I tried to create a recipe for cauliflower cake, looked great, horrible texture and straight into the bin…

More successful is my black eyed beans savoury cake which I have made steamed or baked. This feels like a treat and not a diet.

Ingredients

80g black eyed beans – dried weight – soak for at least three hours

16 g of onions

Salt

Black pepper

Ground dried crayfish or prawns (optional)

1 boiled egg (optional)

Ground nutmeg

Spray light coconut oil spray

Cayenne pepper (a little)

Scotch bonnet pepper (a little) 

Seasoning cube of your choice. I use 1 teaspoon of Cambridge golden vegetable seasoning

 

Method

  1. Soak the black eyed beans for at least 3 hours or overnight if you can.
  2. Hard boil one egg. *Note for Step 2 Cambridge, the egg means excess of the protein allowance. Fine for Step 3.
  3. Cover the beans with water to cover the beans and add the beans and water to a blender and blend for about 3 minutes.
  4. To the beans mixture in the blender, add the onions, crayfish (optional), black pepper, cayenne pepper, scotch bonnet pepper, nutmeg, seasoning cube, and sprays of coconut oil.
  5. Blend all for another 3 minutes.
  6. Taste for salt. If you can taste salt, you’ve used too much. Add a little salt, if necessary. Remember you already have stock seasoning.
  7. Blend for another 1 minute and transfer to container.
  8. Spoon equal amounts of the mixture into containers, adding sliced eggs on top.
  9. Bake for 30 to 45 minutes depending on consistency of the mixture and depth of baking container.
  10. Use a toothpick to check if cooked. It should be dry when you get the toothpick out.
  11. Alternatively, place covered foil container in a steamer for 30 minutes. If steaming, ensure the water is boiling before you place the container to the steaming pot.\\\
  12. Enjoy\
1

Day 499 -Am I Bothered? Me? Bothered?

My mantra for the week: I can’t be bothered to stress about things outside my control.

I got very passionate about my belief that the UK should REMAIN in the EU.

I did my bit by contributing to discussions, dragging myself to the polling station on a day that I was in such agony with back pain, I could hardly, sit, stand, let alone function. I even nagged my friends and family to get out and vote.

The nation voted OUT.

The prime minister has resigned, the labour party is in turmoil.

That seemingly impossible nightmare of an alternate universe where Boris Johnson is prime minister and Donald Trump president could be a stark reality.

Share prices have gone crazy. The pound has hit a low.

Hate crimes have increased because some arseholes now think the vote means that racism and xenophobia have been vindicated and can now be openly celebrated. Britain first power to the traitors, to quote the scumbag that killed Jo Cox MP.

But thank fuck the chancellor hasn’t abandoned ship.  

Like some who cannot quite believe that common sense has not prevailed, I joined the nearly 4 million that have signed a petition calling on a second referendum. I write to my MP pointing out that my London borough voted remain. I follow statements from the Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon, hoping that maybe, just maybe, Scotland’s MPs may block Brexit. I look with scorn at Boris’ shock at the vote and his pathetic comments yesterday as the financial market went crazy that everything had miraculously settled. I look at even more disgust at the revolting Farage’s fuck you performance at today’s the EU meeting. My God, this prick is even worse than I thought.

I’m not in denial because I have accepted the fact that the majority have spoken and the UK will exit the EU. Everything else is probably an exercise in futility. But maybe, just maybe…

Whatever happens to our beloved country and the financial consequences that I might face as a result of Brexit, is outside my control.

I can’t be bothered to stress about things outside my control.

In other news, the divorce saga continues. April’s court was postponed because my ex didn’t comply with some court mandated documents in February and his excuse was similar to that old favourite – the dog ate my homework. There is yet another risk of July’s court being postponed because he has once again failed to return some documents he was being chased since early May. My lawyer will get final confirmation this week whether the July hearing will need to be postponed yet again. I hope that it doesn’t get postponed but I am resigned that this nightmare ends when it ends.

Whatever happens is outside my control. I can’t be bothered to stress about things outside my control.

am i bothered

What I am bothered about is losing weight and getting fit. That much is within my control.

I have set myself a challenge of 21 days of staying on my diet 100% after some bad days when I ate crap for four days.

I am on day 6 of 21 and I have done 6 days of being on my diet 100%.

If I can do 21 days, I can do another 21 days regardless of whether I am in court in July or whatever turmoil is happening in my life.

If I can stay on my diet for 3 months without fucking it up yet again, I can lose 2 stones.

If I can do 3 months, I can do another 3 months.

If I stay 100% focused, I could reach goal or be very near to it by Christmas.

Now that is something I can control.

I have full control of my hand and full control of my mouth. The movement from hand to mouth is within my control. I am not being controlled by some robot.

from-hand-to-mouth-pavlobaron-1-728

Eating when I am stressed or depressed continues the vicious cycle of obesity.

It is time to finally break that cycle.

vicious_circle

Now that’s something worth being bothered about.

 

 

2

Day 480 – Carb Free Prawns and Egg Fried with Cauliflower Rice

I am trying to keep my diet fresh and exciting by trying something new daily.

Cambridge weight plan step 2 means that I basically have one cooked food once a day, with 80g of vegetables from an allowed list. The other meals, consist of milk from a weighed allowance and three Cambridge weight plan products, in my case usually the porridge, yogurt bar and peanut bar.

Experimenting with my evening meal instead of basically eating the same thing every single plan has allowed me to experience some previously untried flavours.

Last night’s dinner was this seriously yummy prawns and egg fried rice with no rice. Yes, instead of rice, I grated cauliflower and used that in place of rice.

Guilt free, low carb and off the scale yummy.

prawns june 2016

I weighed out 125 g of frozen prawns (half of my protein allowance, the other half being 1 egg) and because I like to marinate food, I added some fresh basil leaves and Thai chilli and left the prawns in the fridge to defrost.

prawns 2

I grated 80g of cauliflower so it looks like rice. You can use a blender if you prefer. I also chopped a little ginger, garlic and one spring onions.

prawns 3

Using one calorie spray oil, I used garlic oil as I like garlic but you can use any oil, I pan fried the prawns, chilli, garlic and ginger, for 1 to 2 minutes until pink.

I then added one beaten egg, allowing the egg to fry a little before scrambling, for about 1 minute.

prawns 4

Lastly, I added the cauliflower rice and a teaspoon of light soy sauce, tossed everything around to mix properly, before adding the spring onions last and stir frying.

prawns 5

Viola. Yummy goodness, served with some basil leaves. You can serve with coriander if you prefer.

Verdict: Off the scale yummyness.

1

Day 458: Thank You All for the Inspiration

I chose to have a planned two week break from my diet (more on all that another time) but I am back, with renewed vigour and inspiration to get to the end of this journey. I restarted the diet on Sunday, as planned.

I read about other people on the Cambridge diet losing gazillion amounts of weight in no time at all.

My journey is different.

I have sort of taken the scenic view with the diet, with so much emotional turmoil and changes in my life, I am fine with the fact that my journey will be more of a marathon than a sprint but I will get to my destination, that much I am certain.

I promise myself and every single person that has supported this diary, that come what may, no matter whatever else is happening in my life or however long it takes me, I will not stop until I get to an ideal weight that is right for me. That is no excuse though to mess around on this diet.

The plan is to concentrate in the next 5 months, and as much as I can, stick to the diet 100% and hopefully, finally, get to the end of this journey. If it takes me more than 5 months, I will keep going, that timeframe is not set in stone.

three tyres

Which brings me to what I’d like to say with this post…

I have received a lot of love and support through this diary and those that have contacted me on private emails and Facebook. See Contact for details.

You write to tell me how my diary inspire you but this is the thing, you all inspire me right back. 

You inspire me to keep going with this diet knowing that I owe it not only to myself but to all those who have invested their time, energy and even emotions following my quest, to succeed.

Your support inspire me to keep going. I feel like I have a world full of strangers propping me up to stay on my diet and to keep going.

ThankYou-InspireMe

I thank every one of you that follow this blog and in particular, those of you that take the time to share your thoughts. 

I wish to share a few comments.

This post will be endless if I share every single post that has warmed my heart but please know that your comments mean the world to me.

These are only a few to say thank you all for following my journey and inspiring me to keep going.

The kindness of strangers never cease to amaze me.

stranger

D

MAY 3, 2016 AT 4:50 PM | EDIT

Hi! I just read your entire blog in a day and a half. Thank you so much for writing this. I identify wit so much of what you have written. I’m struggling with weight issues and am on day 1 of the cambridge diet. This is so inspirational. Thank you for taking us on your journey. I look foward to keeping up with this blog. All the best to you! by D

Moremi

OCTOBER 21, 2015 AT 11:35 AM | EDIT

I am so proud of you. Most women would have given up and lets the woes of life eat them up but you have persevered. I started my Cambridge diet today and someone like yourself truly inspires me. So girl, I suggest you continue this journey, pick yourself up, look fly as hell and find love all over again. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER A MAN WHO IS WORTH YOUR TEARS WOULD NEVER MAKE YOU CRY IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

Sara C

MAY 14, 2016 AT 9:35 PM | EDIT

So, I suspect like many others, I happened upon your blogs when my usual forum support had gone a bit quiet and was looking for a bit of week 7 encouragement.
Instead I found myself reading your entire year’s worth of blogs, laughing, crying, gasping and sighing in turn. What a year you’ve had. And in spite of all the heartache you’ve stayed strong and achieved incredible weight loss. I’m literally in awe of you. Thank you for your thought provoking, heartbreaking and inspirational words.
Next time I’m feeling sorry for myself and craving toast, I’ll remind myself of your inner strength and determination.
Please keep blogging. I feel like I’ve found a new friend 😊😊

Kathia

MAY 14, 2016 AT 12:50 PM | EDIT

Congratulations! You are my inspiration. I recently had a baby and I gained some weight. So after 6 months I decided to start the cambridge diet. This is my first week and it is day 4, and I have lost 5.5lbs. It is hard but your blog will inspired me.
Thank You.

Livia

FEBRUARY 21, 2016 AT 7:28 PM | EDIT

You are a terrific writer and know how to totally engage your audience. I feel you and the drastic change to ur life. Hold on to the good memories and build better ones. Good luck.

Joanne

JANUARY 30, 2016 AT 8:27 PM | EDIT

Hi again…i was just googling first week of step 2 because on day 3 and 4 i was feeling awful, really weak and tired and dizzy and i wanted to see if it was normal and ur blog came up…it instantly gripped me like a really good book…u should actually write a book beacause ur an amazing writer! Im raging ive caught up to present day cause now ive nothin to read lol. I started at 11st 5lb on the 13th jan….so far ive lost 6lb and i want to b 9st 7lb but initially it was as an emergency as ive a trip to norway in 2 weeks and id gained 1st 5lb since august and didnt fit in anything! So get weighed again tues..fingers crossed for 3 more lb xx

Livia

FEBRUARY 7, 2016 AT 10:17 PM | EDIT

I love your blog. Your life is like a sad movie but yet you are living it and doing great. Stay positive always.

mich1975

JANUARY 22, 2016 AT 4:16 PM | EDIT

To go through what you’re going through and still not be giving up on a diet is beyond admirable- be gentle and kind to you, you’re weathering a ginormous storm. Which I have no doubt you’ll come out feeling stronger than ever. Your weightloss is an inspiration to me. I feel like coming right over and giving you the biggest hug ever. Keep on writing. For you, and selfishly for me. xxxxxx

Mycambridgedietsite

JANUARY 22, 2016 AT 10:34 PM | EDIT

Your success so far is amazing. I went to see this dietician once who was fantastic. She said to me that I had to remember that sometimes our body needs the comfort of the familiar when we are going through a particular period of stress and it is OK to eat those foods that bring you comfort and not feel guilty about it as long as you acknowledge it was for that point in time and you accept the impact and that you don’t let it influence you going forward. I know its easier said then done but I find it helps a little. Basically accept you needed it and don’t let guilt or disappointment derail you. Good luck I know its still a difficult time for you.

Livia

JANUARY 21, 2016 AT 11:25 PM | EDIT

Your story is such a beautiful one. In times of adversities God sends us helpers. You have lost the “love of your life”, but you have gained a lot more. You attract goodness because you are a good person. Your life is just beginning. Ehugs to the friend that stayed over, the young solicitor and others who made what could have been a bad day, okay. Keep forging ahead.

Jenxx

OCTOBER 21, 2015 AT 5:34 AM | EDIT

There will be sunshine and there will be rainbows hunny so stay focused on that.

Xx

Jane

OCTOBER 13, 2015 AT 2:05 PM | EDIT

Stumbled across your blog whilst looking for some CWP step 2 recipes. Sorry to hear of your marriage breakup earlier this year. I went through this 17 years ago when I was 37. After several years of struggling by, followed by a breakdown and a couple of years of seriously needed therapy I started to find ME! I am now almost 55, remarried to a wonderful guy (what I ever saw in the previous one I don’t know😉 ) I know myself and am very content, depsite being obese. I believe I’m now in a place to REALLY tackle my fat issues and wish you all the very best in your continuing weight loss and in healing the wounds that you are currently experiencing. Things really do get better, but you are the only one who can make that happen. Hang on in there girl! Warmest wishes x

Sandy

SEPTEMBER 17, 2015 AT 7:06 AM | EDIT

You are so brave.
I’m thinking of you.
Sending love and peace. Xx

Jen

SEPTEMBER 17, 2015 AT 12:56 PM | EDIT

So sorry to hear about your Mum. Hope she is recovering well

Your courage and resilliance to what is a horrid situation never ceases to amaze me. Look at the flowers and remember all the wonderful people that you have in your life. He will regret his decisions and she will live her life waiting for him to do the same to her

Stay strong

xx

Ani

SEPTEMBER 12, 2015 AT 7:39 AM | EDIT

You are that..a survivor and you will come out triumphant and stronger, a whole new person physically, mentally and emotionally. But your ex will still be that weak, coward, wimpy guy and you will look back and hit yourself for allowing him to get even a piece of you. He was just lucky you even loved him when he wasnt deserving of any. The thing is, he is the one who ran out of luck. Keep going, stay strong and beutiful.

Lekpa Wannabe

AUGUST 28, 2015 AT 8:23 PM | EDIT

This is such an amazing read. It’s clear to some of us that have followed your journey on this blog that you are so over your rat ex. You go girl! you deserve so much better than a cheating coward, fuck the divorce crap and just live life to the fullest

June

AUGUST 6, 2015 AT 9:36 AM | EDIT

Five years ago this was my life. Only I carried on with the food crutch so you are stronger than perhaps you realise. Just read this entire blog. Cried and laughed with you. Know you aren’t alone, know you are pushing others like me to be stronger (on the diet front in my case) and know it does (believe me I was the girl who used to ask my flatmate if we could sleep with our doors open because I thought I would die in the night from excessive crying or a bad panic attack. I had about three a night for best part of a year) it does…. Get better. Better than better. It becomes the best. You will find yourself in the best relationship ever …. One with yourself. X thanks for sharing your journey xx

Christine

JULY 6, 2015 AT 6:13 AM | EDIT

Brilliant x
I spent 5 years healing and getting to know me, I’m still learning 9 years on and MY heart comes first. I am in love with a man and it so different when you are truly loved back, but those single years are my foundation of loving me and I now know I’m a survivor and I’m stronger than I ever knew 😊 enjoy the next part of your life as you fall in love with yourself, sending heaps of blessings 💜

Fiona

JULY 3, 2015 AT 1:29 PM | EDIT

Well done hunni! So pleased to hear about your weight loss journey, you are doing really well especially through these tough times which shows what a strong cookie you are.

Hugs
Fiona
xx

Rose

JULY 3, 2015 AT 8:38 PM | EDIT

I can feel your pain love. But I just want you to remember to say something to yourself every time you find yourself being overwhelmed:

Say these powerful words to yourself and dwell on these words as you say it:

I thank whatever GODS may be
For my UNCONQUERABLE SOUL.
I AM THE MASTER OF MY FATE….
I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL…..

It is time for you to rise out of this pain and misery, and transform yourself into a beautiful butterfly. Sometimes you have to go through the deepest pain to come out on the other end…glorious and unconquerable…Because YOU are the captain of your soul!

Sending you my hugs love….

Sally Jenkins

JULY 3, 2015 AT 2:14 PM | EDIT

You wow me! You are such an inspiration. I have been overweight most of my adult life. A typical yo-yo dieter, everything stimulates my appetite. I eat to celebrate happiness, eat to wipe away the tears! I have tried all sorts of diets. I am happy I discovered your site; you will be my inspiration

Fifeemcg

JUNE 12, 2015 AT 7:28 PM | EDIT

Keep holding your head high and fighting as you are. You are an amazing soul xxx

Mary

MAY 7, 2015 AT 6:52 PM | EDIT

what on earth to say….

if you want the rainbow you’ve gotta put up with the rain??? nah that’s a shit one….,

hang on……rethink

‘if life gives you lemons, make lemonade’???? oh dear that’s even worse

one more… I’ve got it….

there’s plenty more fish in the sea?

seriously…. you have permission to ‘web stab’ me!!!!!!

I of course don’t mean any of these things but hope I may have bought a tiny chink of light and possible teeny weeny smile.

Deep dark times have no words of comfort written. Keep being you, writing, sharing and letting us in and keep being you ❤️

Austinkahuna

MAY 7, 2015 AT 9:51 PM | EDIT

You will survive. And this period will suck. I know how you are feeling and appreciate the honesty and emotion that you convey within your words. Thank you for expressing yourself so wonderfully. One foot in front of the other, that helped me quite a lot. Aloha to you

6

Day 397: Week 57 Weigh-In – Smash that Jinx

In every diet that I have been for as long as I can remember, I get to the 86 point something mark and it all goes to pants. The cycle of weight gain would commence and the vicious cycle of obesity.

Not this time.

I am super chuffed to announce that after a few weeks of ups, downs, wondering whether I will ever beat the 86 point something jinx, my official Cambridge diet weight is finally 85 point something.

I have not been this weight since the early 90s.

Here’s to the second part of this weight loss quest, the most important part, the part that finally takes me to a me that I have never been, a beautiful, healthy, slim woman.

I will not get complacent. I take nothing for granted. This is a battle of mind, body and soul. If I fall, I get up and keep going.

Stopping until I reach goal is not an option I am willing to take, for as long as it takes.

Week Fifty seven’s Verdict: today’s weight 85.8kg; week’s weight loss 1.4 kg (3.08 pounds); total weight loss 38.6 kg, 84.9 pounds, 6 stones 1 pound

85.8

10

Day 343: Week Forty Nine’s Weigh-In – Must Do Better

I am disappointed in myself with today’s weigh-in.

It is not an excuse but I can’t begin to explain the immense stress I was on last couple of weeks before court. I must keep working on myself to make sure that immense stress doesn’t translate into reverting to destructive habits and putting on weight.

What’s done is done and I have to keep moving on. 

Giving up on this diet is definitely not an option I’m willing to take.

The occasions I’ve lost huge amounts of weight in the past, I seem to get to around 86 kg and then nothing happens and eventually the diet fails and the weight starts to creep back in.

I’m hoping to finally break this spell and get below the 86 kg mark. I am also hoping to never see 90 something kg on the scale ever again.

Note to self: Must do better.

Week Forty Nine’s Verdict: today’s weight 90.8 kg, week’s weight gain 1.3 kg (2.86 pounds); total weight loss; 33.6 kg; 73.9 pounds; 5 stones 4 pounds

Screenshot_2016-01-22-13-06-56

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Day 330 – One Day at a Time…

Assuming it doesn’t snow and I find myself snowed in and incapacitated, in just over a week, I will find myself in a court of law fighting over finances with my ex who unfortunately remains my husband because even though he filed for divorce in June, I haven’t even been granted a decree nisi, let alone a decree absolute which will only happen after our finances are settled, however long that takes.

Following my discovery of my ex’s affair, sitting in the kitchen side by side, I told him that whatever happened in our marriage, whether it survived or not, we must be sensible and commercial, sit down like we were and sort out our finances. We both agreed that it would be stupid and senseless to go to court because the only winners would be lawyers and their fees.

I remain willing to settle my financial affairs out of court but it takes two to tango and I’m resigned to going to court for as long as it takes.

It is a sad state of affairs that my ex and I only communicate through lawyers; I have done my best to settle out of court.

I initiated financial mediation which my ex ended. I initiated an out of court offer for settlement which my ex rejected and refused to make a counteroffer.

Instead of a counteroffer, I got shit back like the knife this man has struck into my back isn’t deep enough; he needs to pull it deeper, twist the knife round and round, and find new and innovative ways to hurt me.

I still have absolutely no idea whatsoever how this man thinks our financial affairs ought to be settled because he has never said. Not for one single day.

But of course when you are stupid enough to invite other people with all sorts of ulterior motives into your marriage and into its dissolutions, you get to where I find myself; an ex who for whatever reasons best known only to him and the idiotic people he’s allowed into his life, think the best bet is to surrender the dissolution of our affairs to a court of law from which there would be no winners other than the lawyers’ coffers.

Everyday, I find new things that tell me that the person I loved for 14.5 years is long dead and in his place, is a complete stranger who has invaded his body.

Who is this person that has ignored a court mandated deadline given as far back as October? The man I loved was a sensible law abiding person who respected processes.

This arrogant piece of shit that ignores court mandated deadlines and instructs a gutter, dirty lawyer who doesn’t even have the professional courtesy to inform the other side’s lawyer of delays in meeting court deadlines, is a scumbag low life.

This person is a complete stranger to me and most definitely not the kind of company I would keep; and thankfully I don’t.

Yesterday, a friend told me how she and her ex sorted out their divorce settlement, getting a judge to rubber-stamp their agreement with praises from the judge; I envied her amicable divorce.

But things are what they are and I have no choice but to accept them and get on with it as best as I can.

This like any bad period of one’s life is only a phase; it will not last forever. It will last for as long as it lasts but not forever.

bruises

I’m staying on the diet…just.

My head even as I write this, is filled with thoughts of food and the comfort food brings but this is how I got to where I am, so I must try my best to resist. I felt proud of myself yesterday making endless coffees with biscuits, chocolates and crisps for my friend and chomping on my Cambridge bar.

My head was filled afterwards with thoughts of the yummy crisps I had served her, it still is; a little wouldn’t hurt but I know I wouldn’t stop at a little, I would eat the whole packet and hence prolong the vicious cycle of obesity.

temptation

One day at a time sweet Jesus.