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Day 323 -Please May I Rant?

I had a fantastic relaxed Christmas with my sister and kids who showered me with love, presents and kindness. My beautiful, intelligent, kind generous niece calls her savings her “college funds”. Smart girl. She chose to spend those buying me endless presents.

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She now has a piggy box that is in the form of an ATM machine, complete with cash card with PIN for cash withdrawal. She sent me a WhatsApp message calling it “the coolest thing ever.”

I concur.

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Even after Christmas, the generosity and love of my family continued including a most welcome and unexpected gift from my sweet sister who lives in the States and gifts from cousins who visited from Manchester.

I am truly blessed.

I had a very difficult New Year’s eve sobbing my eyes out and thinking of happier years but I am only human and blips are to be expected. In the midst of my sadness, my little sister called me at the stroke of midnight, a call that she will never fully understand how much it meant.

But I’m actually in a good place right now.

I am resigned that there are tough days ahead of me this year with my ex, court appearances and all sorts but I am also accepting that whatever the future holds, I will be totally fine.

I truly believe that whatever happens in my life has been pre-ordained by God. I may never understand his reasons for shit happening but I keep the faith that I will bounce back and I will be fine.

All sounding good, right?

Well…forgive me while I rant.

You may bypass my rant and scroll to the end of this post for news on my weight loss journey!

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I am rattled by someone who knows my ex having heard our marriage has ended telling me that he is “obviously having a serious mental breakdown.”

Two weeks ago, one of his friends said exactly the same to me.

Today’s comments rattled me because of the matter of fact way it was delivered barely disguising the judgment that my wifely duty would be to stand by your man through thin and thick.

That boat sailed in June when my ex filed for divorce.

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It took some time to explain that I did stand by my ex and I wasn’t the one that ended our marriage or filed for divorce.

For months, I accepted the mid life crisis/mental breakdown and gave my ex the benefit of the doubt to seek help when he himself accepted his erratic behaviour and claimed to be getting therapy.

I stood by my ex with all the lies, deceit and craziness until he wrote below in an email from a business trip Singapore ending out marriage and categorically telling me he wasn’t ill.

“Despite what you might think, I am not chasing shadows or a fantasy life or being controlled nor am I ill. If that’s how you want to rationalise what’s happening then ok but it’s not the reality. Nor is it about Lilly Wong. [The fake name he used for his mistress Mylien in the mistaken belief I didn’t know her identity while he told her everything about me including my home address and mobile phone number.] It is my decision alone. There is no one pushing me other than myself. I want to forge a new path alone.” 

When I mentioned this email, both told me that of course he would say that as he clearly doesn’t realise he’s mentally ill.

But what would you have me do? We only communicate through lawyers. They had no responses.

I wasn’t the one that wrote that email from Singapore ending our marriage and 14.5 years relationship.

I wasn’t the one that chose our 11th wedding anniversary to get lawyers to send an email asking for divorce.

I wasn’t the one that filed for divorce using the law firm of the sister of the woman he had an affair with.

I wasn’t the one that reneged on a pledge to continue financial support and instead pay £0.

I wasn’t the one that ended a mediation process that could have resulted in an amicable settlement.

I wasn’t the one that has refused an offer for settlement, refused to make a counter offer for settlement and instead, added insult to injury by asking for proof of patently obvious physical health issues witnessed first hand for over 14 years and given as part of the reasons for ending the marriage.

When I mentioned that last bit this afternoon, the response was a shocked he asked for proof of what? Followed by surely that’s clear proof that he is mentally ill? Surely, by asking for proof of something so obvious, his lawyers should realise their client is ill and therefore not write such a stupid letter?

I swallowed my irritation and patiently explained that the lawyers are not there to examine my ex’s mental health if he appears for all intents and purposes sane enough to give them instructions.

Their primary aim is to bill matters and make money for their firm.

Before you tell me to stand by your man, I wasn’t the one that ended my marriage, secretly moving 5 minutes away to live near a married woman, having sworn several times on their own mother’s life that the affair had ended.

But I am the one that in just over two weeks, will find myself in a court of law because after 14.5 years, my ex cannot do the sensible and commercial thing of settling our finances outside of court; where the only real winners will be lawyers and their legal fees.

I am the one who spent several days just before Christmas looking at 100s of pages of court mandated documents of my ex’s 12 months bank statements and credit cards statements clearly documenting his infidelity.

Proof of dining and wining another woman on two occasions the week before Christmas 2014 when he had told me he had work dinners and Christmas parties.

Proof of wining, dining, buying expensive gifts, flowers, jewellery for another woman including an expensive celebratory dinner on the day he filed for divorce.

Proof of his adultery continuing at the times he was swearing on his mother’s life or telling his own mother and only sibling the affair had ended.

Proof of my ex spending £291 in July on erectile dysfunction pills with his mistress.

I wouldn’t wish those documents on any woman but they are what they are and I’ve dealt with them and I’ve moved on.

But please don’t give me that stand by your man crap because I can sleep easy at night knowing hand on heart, I did absolutely everything to stand by this man and the sanctity of my marriage.

If my ex one day tells me that all his actions have been as a result of mental illness, I shall encourage treatment, ensure he has support to get all the help in the world and I shall wish him well for his future.

But please don’t you dare imply that I should still be standing by someone who has filed for divorce and has made it crystal clear that he stands by his actions as despicable as they are and that he is not mentally ill.

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In other news, in 8 days over Christmas, I gained an eye popping 9kg!

The good news is that in 7 days since I restarted my diet on 28th December, I have lost exactly…9kg.

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I am resolved to stay on my diet and for the first time in my life, start a diet and get to the end of it.

I must not allow the stresses of the coming days and weeks to derail me from my weight loss goals.

I desperately need to do this for myself.

I ought to do this for myself.

I shall do this for myself.

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Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to every single one of you who visit this blog regularly, or anyone who just happens to stumble upon me.

I also wish you all, the very best of happiness for 2016. May it bring to all of us, peace, love, good health and happiness.

Thank you very much for all the wonderful support and comfort you have all given me this year. I will forever be immensely grateful.

If you have a moment, please reach out to someone, family, neighbour, acquaintance, foe or even a complete stranger who might be a little lonely, grieving, elderly or just anyone who might appreciate some kindly words or friendly thoughts.

Perhaps something next year, I shall write about surviving Christmas after a devastating loss or unexpected marriage breakdown, especially if like me, you happen to be childless.

As for me, I have immersed myself in love, family, friendship, peace, happiness, music, contentment, gratitude, laughter…and I confess, lots and lots of yummy food.

Yep, the diet has been postponed until 28th December.

C’mon, I never claimed to be a saint!

Ho ho fucking ho.

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Day 169: Glamour Me Oh Ancient Vampire

I’ve had a very sad weekend.

I can’t escape my head.

I am heartbroken.

I am the first person to tell myself; get over it and I will…

I just don’t know how long it’ll take.

The end of any marriage is very tough, no matter what I tell myself and it’s reassuring to read that even conscious uncoupling Gwyneth Paltrow has admitted that she’s finding things tough. Phew. She’s human after all.

The shock that my marriage has ended still hits me daily. The shock of the secrets, lies, betrayal, dashed hopes, shattered dreams, a derailed path in life, twosome becoming solo; knowing that I had wasted 14 precious years of my life with someone who is a complete stranger to me.

I feel the sort of drained emptiness I would usually feel after a long IVF cycle turns negative.

All that wasted time, money, mental and physical energy…

Only this is a million times worse.

Today is my ex’s 45th birthday. I get the mid-life crisis. I get the panic that if he lives to be as old as his dad when he died, he only has 25 years old left on planet earth, and even less, if he takes after his grandfather.

I get the panic of is this all there is to life? I get the whole cliched mid-life crisis.

But the truth is, if my ex had spent a little more time remembering and appreciating some of the good things in his life, instead of the idiocy of chasing greener grasses, if he had watered his own grass even a little bit, he might have appreciated some of the things in his life more.

The if onlys are pointless thoughts and wasted energy, I know that.

The reality that still astounds me to this day is that prior to my discovery of his affair, in all 14 years we were together, my ex never for one single day ever said that he was unhappy about anything in our lives.

Not a single word. Absolutely Nada.

My thoughts have been filled with birthdays gone; the surprise birthday cakes I would have delivered to his work as he was usually working very long hours on his birthday. The surprise big 40th birthday party in 2010 that took me 8 months to plan with military precision and secrecy, where I managed to get all his friends and family from all over the country and he didn’t have a clue. In 2011, I lovingly made him roasted duck with all the trimmings. In 2012, I cooked black cod a la Nobu and then planned a fun Olympic themed birthday party. In 2013, I got a Michelin restaurant to give him a little birthday surprise, followed by a birthday party a few days later with the most gorgeous cake. In 2014, another Michelin restaurant, my all time favourite London restaurant Hakkasan Mayfair, where we used to go at least once a month, and where he would admit taking his mistress, also gave him a little birthday surprise, complete with a candle.

I wonder whether his birthday wishes were to finally find a way out of his marriage?

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I guess after tomorrow, the next big occasion to survive would be Christmas.

Christmas has always been my favourite holiday. This year, the thought of it depresses the fuck out of me. For 15 years, I spent every single Christmas with my ex who would lavish me with gifts; I was always overwhelmed by his generosity when we were together.

I think about going away to some beach somewhere over Christmas but the thoughts of being surrounded by happy families/couples depress the fuck out of me, that is, assuming I don’t spend all my money fighting my ex in court.

The idea of staying at home for Christmas also depresses the fuck out of me.

The emptiness of Christmases trees compared to the bulging Christmas tree of last year; lovingly typed Christmas menus, meticulous planning, all depress the fuck out of me.

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Perhaps, I would do something I’ve always thought of but have never done.

Perhaps this Christmas, I will forget all about myself and my broken heart and spend Christmas volunteering at Crisis, the homeless people’s shelter.

I don’t know, we’ll see.

I don’t want to wish away my life but I do wish that like in the drama True Blood, some ancient vampire could help me take away my sadness and my heartbreak; help take away my hurt.

I wish some vampire would glamour me and erase every single memory of my ex and our life together.

RIP Cilla Black. Legend. xxx