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Day 759 – 100 Days Weight Loss WhatsApp Challenge

Sorry but no more new Challengers after Thursday night (16/3). We now need to concentrate on preparing the 28 who have signed up.

Anyone who has been following my blog knows that as my marriage unexpectedly exploded in 2015, and I saw myself facing the divorce from hell throughout 2015 and most of 2016, I continued to try to lose weight, albeit taking a very long scenic route and being on the diet on and off and off and off and off and on and off and on and off!

I’m sick of suspending life to climb on and off the diet wagon.

I’m good with weight maintaining because I actually enjoy low carbing and exercising, but I need to get to a comfortable weight first and I’m far from where I need to be.

Sadly, all the on and off and on and off and back again and off again mean that I have made little progress in the last six  months.

insanity

And so, I’ve decided to do something different…

Something I have never ever done before…

I’m going to go on a 100 Days Challenge of staying on my diet 100% with total accountability and total commitment.

100Days

This time though, I will be doing it with a bunch of other people.

And so, two days ago, I posted on Facebook and Instagram inviting friends, family and complete strangers, to join me in this challenge.

As of right now, 26 awesome people have taken up the challenge to change our lives together in 100 days.

If you would like to join us, send me your contact details on my Facebook or Instagram or email me.

Start Date: Monday 20th March, 2017

End Date: Tuesday 27th June, 2017

100 days

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Day 737 – Men Who Kill Their Wives

I haven’t written in a while.

I’m not entirely sure why.

Perhaps because I haven’t felt the need to lay bare all my innermost thoughts.

Perhaps because life has just been ticking on.

I don’t know why.

Today however, I feel compelled to write by the news that the partner of the writer Helen Bailey has been found guilty of her murder. This news has shocked me to the core and it is so very sad that this lady, who thought she had found her happy ending, after the 2011 death of her husband while they were on holiday in Barbados, will be so tragically killed by the widower she had met through her grief, for what seems to be for financial gain.

I read Helen’s story thinking, there but for the grace of God go I…

there-goes-i

Last week, I finally watched a TV drama I had recorded last year, called the Secret.

This is based on the true story of the deeply religious Irish dentist, Colin Howell, who in 1991, together with the married woman he was having an affair with, Hazel Stewart, another church member, conspired to kill both of their spouses, his wife Lesley, and mother of his four children, including a nine month old baby, and Trevor, the father of his lover’s two children, a boy and a girl.

They believed killing their spouses would allow them to live happily ever after.

They were wrong.

Colin and Hazel literally got away with murder as the police and coroners bought into their faked joint suicides for their spouses. Their sordid affair lasted a couple more years, before being ended by his lover. Such was her guilt after the deaths, that they would even have consensual sex with her gassed on his dentist’s chair, so that he could have his way with her, without her being consumed with guilt.

10 years after the murders, this dentist, confessed to his second wife, a mother of two, with whom he went on to have five more children, about the murders. She chose to keep quiet and went on to have four more children with this murderer, to add to the one child they had together at the time.

Nearly 20 years after the murders, Colin voluntarily confessed to the police after believing that God was punishing him following the death of his first son Matt, and being swindled out of around £350,000. He had previously had “signs” that had convinced him that God had forgiven him for the murders.

He had admitted being haunted by his wife calling the name of 5 year old Matt as he strangled her.

He also voluntarily confessed to sexually assaulting several patients while they were under anaesthetics.

He was sentenced to 21 years in prison after pleading guilty to the murders.

But for his confessions, these murders would never have been discovered.

His lover Hazel who pleaded not guilty, was later found guilty of both murders and sentenced to 18 years.

His second wife who had chosen to keep quiet about her murderous husband, escaped prosecution. She moved back to the US, where she was originally from.

Some men kill.

Some men kill their wives. 

Women kill too.

And while I admit that this post might seem like possibly the biggest admission that I have made in this blog, I firmly believe that I could easily have joined the statistics of the many women (and men) who have been killed by their supposedly loving spouses or partners, who found the idea of murder, more palatable than divorce or merely ending a relationship.

As my marriage disintegrated in 2015, my ex husband would make countless comments about killing me.

I was distressed by these comments and he would say he was merely “joking”.

He said on three occasions that it was a shame I was on a diet as he was no longer cooking for me and therefore, could not poison me.

At the last minute, he changed travel plans on our last holiday over Easter 2015 to Milan, supposedly to work on our marriage when unbeknown to me, he was sending his lover £70 flowers and expensive chocolates. He chose to drive to the airport, instead of taking a taxi, and when I queried why, given as we would always take taxis to airports, he referred to a story about a man who had killed his wife by carefully crashing their car, having removed her seatbelt, just beforehand. He insisted he was joking.

His several “jokes” about killing me and how my death would be easier than divorce, were such that before travelling to Milan, I had written a long email to my sister referencing all his comments and the dates they were made, and giving her our travel details, something I had never done before. I wrote that if anything happened to me in Milan, she should hand my email over to the police.

I had felt very unsafe with this man and I was resolved, like I said in that email, that after Milan, I would have to decide whether my marriage was worth saving given all the “jokes” about my death.

The seriousness of my email to my sister was such that she expected me to be checking in with my family frequently, during that trip. On one occasion when she hadn’t heard from me for a few hours, because I was out and about and didn’t have internet or whatsapp access, she had been worried enough to have rung my hotel several times, leaving messages for me to make urgent contact, as well as shared her concerns with another sister.

In Milan, my ex husband would “joke” about pushing me from the top of the Duomo Cathedral. He refused to climb to the top on his own, when I was unable to explore with him which was unusual as he wouldn’t normally object to exploring on his own.

Perhaps more telling was the one night in Milan, when I was violently sick all night, throwing up and with serious diarrhoea, while my ex husband slept very peacefully beside me. This happened the only time I had eaten or drunk anything bought solely by my ex in my absence. That night, he had brought some latte back to the hotel for both of us and yet, I was the only one who had been so violently ill.

I have no doubt whatsoever that my ex had tried to poison me on that day.

As our marriage crumbled during that holiday, my ex insisted on taking me out shopping, going from street to street, all very carefully mapped out by him.

It was a most bizarre day when he insisted on buying anything I as much as looked at. Several handbags including an expensive Prada bag, several sandals and shoes including Jimmy Choo shoes, expensive Jo Malone perfumes, expensive Acqua di Parma toiletries and all sorts of unneeded vulgar spending.

I have no doubt whatsoever as I took photos of the ridiculous shopping bags through my tears, that these were my ex’s defence of how could I have killed my wife? I love my wife. Can’t you see all the things that I bought her?

Four days after our return from Milan, on a Sunday, my ex insisted that Sunday morning on visiting the seaside, instead of a hike he had planned. He “joked” several times about pushing me from the pier into the sea to drown given that I can’t really swim.

After he left our former home, I would find a knife inside my ex husband’s drawer on his side of the beside table, of the bed we slept together.

When I asked him what a knife was doing inside his bedside table, and sent him a picture of the knife, he lied and insisted that he had never had a knife in the drawer that he used exclusively at the time.

This is a long post with all sorts of serious comments but my aim isn’t to depress myself and all my readers.

I describe my ex husband as “evil”. That ugly word is not a word I use lightly.

I do not believe that this man has always been “evil”.

I still believe that he went through and might still be going through, some sort of mental breakdown.

But the person who I strongly believed wanted to kill me and who did all the heartbreaking things during our divorce is an “evil” man capable of anything, including cold blooded murder.

I am not without blame as I should have gotten him out of my life the very first time he “joked” about killing me, let alone the countless references and the seemingly well thought out scenariors he painted, as to how he might have killed me.

I should have reported his comments immediately to the police.

I should have immediately gone to the police and been tested on return to the UK or even in Milan, on the night I firmly believe he tried to poison me.

But to be fair to myself, at the time, I was not aware of the lengths this man could go through, or just how evil, he truly is/was.

When I read these stories of men and women, who haven’t survived being murdered by their nearest, closest and most trusted spouses, I thank God that I came out of my marriage with my life.

I thank God that my mum and siblings do not have to spend their lives mourning me and wondering whether my death was really an accident, as described, or murder.

I thank God for the gift of life.

May Helen and all the men and women like her, murdered by their spouses and partners, rest in perfect peace.

This is still a diet blog, and as such, I should really write about my diet.

This year has been full of ups and downs on the diet front but right now, I am on it. I’m not stressing about the fact that I wasn’t on it last week.

I fail, I restart and I keep going.

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Day 507 – Variety is the Spice of Life

Today is Day 15 of my 21 day challenge to stay 100% on my diet and I am thrilled to report that I have managed to stay on track every single day of the challenge.

Daily weight fluctuations meant a slight weight increase (o.3kg) today but I’m not overly concerned as I was 100% yesterday and the increase might have been spiked by unexpected hard exercising yesterday – I was late for an appointment and so I basically sprinted My body doesn’t like hard intensity.

Anyways, as of yesterday, I ha”d lost 5.9 kg in 13 days.

I have been experimenting with different foods. I tried to create a recipe for cauliflower cake, looked great, horrible texture and straight into the bin…

More successful is my black eyed beans savoury cake which I have made steamed or baked. This feels like a treat and not a diet.

Ingredients

80g black eyed beans – dried weight – soak for at least three hours

16 g of onions

Salt

Black pepper

Ground dried crayfish or prawns (optional)

1 boiled egg (optional)

Ground nutmeg

Spray light coconut oil spray

Cayenne pepper (a little)

Scotch bonnet pepper (a little) 

Seasoning cube of your choice. I use 1 teaspoon of Cambridge golden vegetable seasoning

 

Method

  1. Soak the black eyed beans for at least 3 hours or overnight if you can.
  2. Hard boil one egg. *Note for Step 2 Cambridge, the egg means excess of the protein allowance. Fine for Step 3.
  3. Cover the beans with water to cover the beans and add the beans and water to a blender and blend for about 3 minutes.
  4. To the beans mixture in the blender, add the onions, crayfish (optional), black pepper, cayenne pepper, scotch bonnet pepper, nutmeg, seasoning cube, and sprays of coconut oil.
  5. Blend all for another 3 minutes.
  6. Taste for salt. If you can taste salt, you’ve used too much. Add a little salt, if necessary. Remember you already have stock seasoning.
  7. Blend for another 1 minute and transfer to container.
  8. Spoon equal amounts of the mixture into containers, adding sliced eggs on top.
  9. Bake for 30 to 45 minutes depending on consistency of the mixture and depth of baking container.
  10. Use a toothpick to check if cooked. It should be dry when you get the toothpick out.
  11. Alternatively, place covered foil container in a steamer for 30 minutes. If steaming, ensure the water is boiling before you place the container to the steaming pot.\\\
  12. Enjoy\
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Day 499 -Am I Bothered? Me? Bothered?

My mantra for the week: I can’t be bothered to stress about things outside my control.

I got very passionate about my belief that the UK should REMAIN in the EU.

I did my bit by contributing to discussions, dragging myself to the polling station on a day that I was in such agony with back pain, I could hardly, sit, stand, let alone function. I even nagged my friends and family to get out and vote.

The nation voted OUT.

The prime minister has resigned, the labour party is in turmoil.

That seemingly impossible nightmare of an alternate universe where Boris Johnson is prime minister and Donald Trump president could be a stark reality.

Share prices have gone crazy. The pound has hit a low.

Hate crimes have increased because some arseholes now think the vote means that racism and xenophobia have been vindicated and can now be openly celebrated. Britain first power to the traitors, to quote the scumbag that killed Jo Cox MP.

But thank fuck the chancellor hasn’t abandoned ship.  

Like some who cannot quite believe that common sense has not prevailed, I joined the nearly 4 million that have signed a petition calling on a second referendum. I write to my MP pointing out that my London borough voted remain. I follow statements from the Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon, hoping that maybe, just maybe, Scotland’s MPs may block Brexit. I look with scorn at Boris’ shock at the vote and his pathetic comments yesterday as the financial market went crazy that everything had miraculously settled. I look at even more disgust at the revolting Farage’s fuck you performance at today’s the EU meeting. My God, this prick is even worse than I thought.

I’m not in denial because I have accepted the fact that the majority have spoken and the UK will exit the EU. Everything else is probably an exercise in futility. But maybe, just maybe…

Whatever happens to our beloved country and the financial consequences that I might face as a result of Brexit, is outside my control.

I can’t be bothered to stress about things outside my control.

In other news, the divorce saga continues. April’s court was postponed because my ex didn’t comply with some court mandated documents in February and his excuse was similar to that old favourite – the dog ate my homework. There is yet another risk of July’s court being postponed because he has once again failed to return some documents he was being chased since early May. My lawyer will get final confirmation this week whether the July hearing will need to be postponed yet again. I hope that it doesn’t get postponed but I am resigned that this nightmare ends when it ends.

Whatever happens is outside my control. I can’t be bothered to stress about things outside my control.

am i bothered

What I am bothered about is losing weight and getting fit. That much is within my control.

I have set myself a challenge of 21 days of staying on my diet 100% after some bad days when I ate crap for four days.

I am on day 6 of 21 and I have done 6 days of being on my diet 100%.

If I can do 21 days, I can do another 21 days regardless of whether I am in court in July or whatever turmoil is happening in my life.

If I can stay on my diet for 3 months without fucking it up yet again, I can lose 2 stones.

If I can do 3 months, I can do another 3 months.

If I stay 100% focused, I could reach goal or be very near to it by Christmas.

Now that is something I can control.

I have full control of my hand and full control of my mouth. The movement from hand to mouth is within my control. I am not being controlled by some robot.

from-hand-to-mouth-pavlobaron-1-728

Eating when I am stressed or depressed continues the vicious cycle of obesity.

It is time to finally break that cycle.

vicious_circle

Now that’s something worth being bothered about.