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Day 297 – I Am Accountable to You.

I have had a lot of love from perfect strangers who read this blog.

I feel a sense of responsibility to the people who write to tell me that I inspire them to lose weight. I owe it to them to get to the end of this weight loss journey.

I am losing weight for myself.

But today, I pledge to lose weight for every single person who follows this blog especially those who have written to say that my journey has inspired them.

I am accountable to all of you and I’m doing this not just for me but for you too.

I will try my hardest to make myself proud and to make you proud of me.

I will not disappoint you.

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If I can lose weight through the implosion of my life as I knew it and the marital breakdown from hell, anyone can lose weight.

Last night my little sister called me to cheer me up as she knew I was down and she succeeded. She’s adorable.

We also talked about my diet. She told me it’s totally not worth it to give up and gain back the weight. She reminded me how far I’ve already come in this journey. I reiterated the fighting talk that giving up is not an option and I meant it.

Today is a new page in my weight loss journey.

I know how easy it is to lose a bunch of weight and put it all back again. I’ve been there countless times in my life.

It is finally time to man up and break that cycle of weight loss, weight gain, weight loss, on and on and on again on a rollercoaster of obesity.

Eating crap will not change my difficult circumstances.

Eating crap will not help me reorganise the aspects of my life I need to figure out as I move on in my life.

Feeling down is not a license to eat crap; shit happens, deal with it or drown with it.

Eating crap will only extend this journey as reflected in my Monitor Your Weight App every time I gain weight.

Eating crap will not give me the freedom to do all those things that obesity has stopped me from doing or live all those secret dreams.

Eating crap may temporary give me the high of comfort eating but it is only a very short relief that brings on other negative feelings and weight gain which do not help in the short term, let alone in the longer term.

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Today is the start of a re-energised crack at losing the four stones that will take me into a healthy weight.

The timing is very bad as a taxi driver reminded me yesterday as we traded dieting history. True, it sucks to be thinking of a renewed vigour in my weight loss journey with Christmas lurking around the corner and other potential temptations such as a party at the weekend and a lunch early next week.

But the reality is that real life will never suspend itself to make every aspect of life perfectly conducive for weight loss.

I will not cancel Christmas which I expect to be a junk fest with three young children. I will not hide away at home and not attend this party or the lunch.

I will live life and just make better choices when I’m out of the bubble of home. And of course make the right choices when I’m at home too.

For the next few days or however long it takes to sort my head and stay 100% on this diet, I will be posting every single thing I eat and drink.

I will try my best to stay 100% on my diet but even if I fail, every morsel that goes from my hand to my mouth will be reported truthfully and completely in this diary.

I am accountable to you.

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Day 138: Week 20 Weigh-in – Kayaking Anyone?

I have had a very tough week.

I have had days this week when the grief of the loss of what I thought was a loving, decent husband and a best friend had become so unbearable that I found myself crying inconsolably.

It is OK to feel sad and to grieve as I deem fit.

The loss and heartbreak are compounded by the continued inexplicable behaviour of my ex. He wants a divorce and I can’t wait to be divorced from him. The easiest, quickest, cheapest, least emotionally draining way of doing so and both of us moving on with our lives, is for both of us to sit down or speak, and as much as possible, sort out how to divide our assets and finances, using lawyers and mediators to finalise things. My ex for some reasons best known to him, refuses to talk or meet with me, and insists on making my life as unbearable as possible.

He left. So why the anger and venom towards me?

That is a rhetorical question. I have given up trying to figure out why he does what he does or what the hell goes on in his head.

Yesterday, in my immense sadness, I managed to depress myself to fuck by succumbing to the totally pointless exercise of reading old texts and messages between my soon to be ex-husband and I. They revealed that like most marriages, there were ups and downs but the loving messages far outweighed the crappy ones. Even after I had discovered his affair, he was still writing that he loved me. I shall not torture myself with anything that pointless ever again.

I am physically and emotionally drained but…if you think this post is all doom and gloom, think again.

Today, my wonderful friend and Cambridge consultant Mandy was pumping her fist in the air like a tennis player who’s just won a crucial point. I was dancing like Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Yep, showing my age there.

I am utterly thrilled to report that I have today lost Four Stones and 1 1/2 pounds. In other language; 26.1 kg; 57.4 pounds.

This diet has probably saved my life because fuck knows that if since February, I had resorted to my pre-Cambridge way of grieving; eating chocolates in bed while crying and listening to sad love songs, followed by stuffing myself full of carbs and takeaways, by now, I would have been so fat that I would have needed someone washing me and a crane to get me in and out of my home.

I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason, even though being human, I cannot pretend to understand some of the stuff that have happened to me this year. But there must be a reason that after years of thinking about the Cambridge diet, this year of all years, I finally started this diet and have stuck to it through all the horrendous crap.

I thank all of you reading this, those that continue to get in touch and to follow my quest to lose weight. Thank you.

Week Twenty’s verdict: today’s weight 98.3 kg, week’s weight loss 1.1 kg (2.4 pounds); total weight loss; 26.1 kg ( 57.4 pounds)

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