2

Day 330 – One Day at a Time…

Assuming it doesn’t snow and I find myself snowed in and incapacitated, in just over a week, I will find myself in a court of law fighting over finances with my ex who unfortunately remains my husband because even though he filed for divorce in June, I haven’t even been granted a decree nisi, let alone a decree absolute which will only happen after our finances are settled, however long that takes.

Following my discovery of my ex’s affair, sitting in the kitchen side by side, I told him that whatever happened in our marriage, whether it survived or not, we must be sensible and commercial, sit down like we were and sort out our finances. We both agreed that it would be stupid and senseless to go to court because the only winners would be lawyers and their fees.

I remain willing to settle my financial affairs out of court but it takes two to tango and I’m resigned to going to court for as long as it takes.

It is a sad state of affairs that my ex and I only communicate through lawyers; I have done my best to settle out of court.

I initiated financial mediation which my ex ended. I initiated an out of court offer for settlement which my ex rejected and refused to make a counteroffer.

Instead of a counteroffer, I got shit back like the knife this man has struck into my back isn’t deep enough; he needs to pull it deeper, twist the knife round and round, and find new and innovative ways to hurt me.

I still have absolutely no idea whatsoever how this man thinks our financial affairs ought to be settled because he has never said. Not for one single day.

But of course when you are stupid enough to invite other people with all sorts of ulterior motives into your marriage and into its dissolutions, you get to where I find myself; an ex who for whatever reasons best known only to him and the idiotic people he’s allowed into his life, think the best bet is to surrender the dissolution of our affairs to a court of law from which there would be no winners other than the lawyers’ coffers.

Everyday, I find new things that tell me that the person I loved for 14.5 years is long dead and in his place, is a complete stranger who has invaded his body.

Who is this person that has ignored a court mandated deadline given as far back as October? The man I loved was a sensible law abiding person who respected processes.

This arrogant piece of shit that ignores court mandated deadlines and instructs a gutter, dirty lawyer who doesn’t even have the professional courtesy to inform the other side’s lawyer of delays in meeting court deadlines, is a scumbag low life.

This person is a complete stranger to me and most definitely not the kind of company I would keep; and thankfully I don’t.

Yesterday, a friend told me how she and her ex sorted out their divorce settlement, getting a judge to rubber-stamp their agreement with praises from the judge; I envied her amicable divorce.

But things are what they are and I have no choice but to accept them and get on with it as best as I can.

This like any bad period of one’s life is only a phase; it will not last forever. It will last for as long as it lasts but not forever.

bruises

I’m staying on the diet…just.

My head even as I write this, is filled with thoughts of food and the comfort food brings but this is how I got to where I am, so I must try my best to resist. I felt proud of myself yesterday making endless coffees with biscuits, chocolates and crisps for my friend and chomping on my Cambridge bar.

My head was filled afterwards with thoughts of the yummy crisps I had served her, it still is; a little wouldn’t hurt but I know I wouldn’t stop at a little, I would eat the whole packet and hence prolong the vicious cycle of obesity.

temptation

One day at a time sweet Jesus.

2

Day 299: Week 43 Weigh-in – It’s Only Vegetables

Yesterday my very good friend came to visit.

“I have made a very nice vegetable soup for us.” She said presenting this awesome looking soup with an amazing smell.

“Thank you darling but I’m so sorry, I can’t have any.”

“It’s a vegetable soup. It’s only vegetables!” She exclaimed bewildered.

“Aww, thanks but I can’t. I’m trying to stay on my diet 100%.”

just say no

“What? It’s a vegetable soup. Surely you can have vegetables? What kind of diet means you can’t have a vegetable soup? What are you going to have for lunch, a bar?” 

It was 2.30 in the afternoon.

“Actually, I’m going to have my Cambridge porridge and it’s breakfast for me as I’ve been doing divorce crap since I woke up and haven’t had a chance to have breakfast.”

She gave me chocolate for Christmas.

I thanked her and asked her to put it away for me somewhere I could not reach, pointing out exactly how far into the the back of the top cupboard she could place this.”

“But why?”

“Because I’m a carboholic. When that thing in my head wants to eat carbs, there’s no stopping it. I don’t want to be able to reach it.”

carboholic

This afternoon, my wonderful cleaner gave me some chocolates. I was very touched by her gesture and I gracefully accepted with no mention of the fact that I won’t be eating them or boring her by explaining that I am on a strict diet.

It’s difficult being on a diet that requires so much discipline but I have felt good the last couple of days being focussed and in my zone to stay on it 100%.

I don’t know what I will look like when I lose another stone, because that is a weight that I have not been since I was a teenager but I am excited about finding out.

The only way I can ever find out is to stay focused. No messing.

future me

I have a party this weekend. It will be temptation island but I am accountable to myself and all of you not to screw it up.

This week’s weight loss is pathetic but it is a loss and I am thrilled because I had not expected any loss given that I had eaten crap on 3 consecutive days since last weigh-in and was rewarded with a 1.8kg (3.96 pounds) weight gain.

I shall take it one day at a time and I hope that in the weeks ahead, (apart from perhaps Christmas; c’mon, I’m a realist but not planning a blow out!), I will only see that scale going downwards.

Week Forty Three’s Verdict: today’s weight 88.6 kg, week’s weight loss 0.2 kg (0.44 pounds); total weight loss; 35.8 kg; 78.8 pounds; 5 stones 9 pounds

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2

Day 297 – I Am Accountable to You.

I have had a lot of love from perfect strangers who read this blog.

I feel a sense of responsibility to the people who write to tell me that I inspire them to lose weight. I owe it to them to get to the end of this weight loss journey.

I am losing weight for myself.

But today, I pledge to lose weight for every single person who follows this blog especially those who have written to say that my journey has inspired them.

I am accountable to all of you and I’m doing this not just for me but for you too.

I will try my hardest to make myself proud and to make you proud of me.

I will not disappoint you.

accountable (1)

If I can lose weight through the implosion of my life as I knew it and the marital breakdown from hell, anyone can lose weight.

Last night my little sister called me to cheer me up as she knew I was down and she succeeded. She’s adorable.

We also talked about my diet. She told me it’s totally not worth it to give up and gain back the weight. She reminded me how far I’ve already come in this journey. I reiterated the fighting talk that giving up is not an option and I meant it.

Today is a new page in my weight loss journey.

I know how easy it is to lose a bunch of weight and put it all back again. I’ve been there countless times in my life.

It is finally time to man up and break that cycle of weight loss, weight gain, weight loss, on and on and on again on a rollercoaster of obesity.

Eating crap will not change my difficult circumstances.

Eating crap will not help me reorganise the aspects of my life I need to figure out as I move on in my life.

Feeling down is not a license to eat crap; shit happens, deal with it or drown with it.

Eating crap will only extend this journey as reflected in my Monitor Your Weight App every time I gain weight.

Eating crap will not give me the freedom to do all those things that obesity has stopped me from doing or live all those secret dreams.

Eating crap may temporary give me the high of comfort eating but it is only a very short relief that brings on other negative feelings and weight gain which do not help in the short term, let alone in the longer term.

important

Today is the start of a re-energised crack at losing the four stones that will take me into a healthy weight.

The timing is very bad as a taxi driver reminded me yesterday as we traded dieting history. True, it sucks to be thinking of a renewed vigour in my weight loss journey with Christmas lurking around the corner and other potential temptations such as a party at the weekend and a lunch early next week.

But the reality is that real life will never suspend itself to make every aspect of life perfectly conducive for weight loss.

I will not cancel Christmas which I expect to be a junk fest with three young children. I will not hide away at home and not attend this party or the lunch.

I will live life and just make better choices when I’m out of the bubble of home. And of course make the right choices when I’m at home too.

For the next few days or however long it takes to sort my head and stay 100% on this diet, I will be posting every single thing I eat and drink.

I will try my best to stay 100% on my diet but even if I fail, every morsel that goes from my hand to my mouth will be reported truthfully and completely in this diary.

I am accountable to you.

accountability8-p1

2

Day 296: Why am I doing this again?

This diary started as a record of yet another weight loss journey.

It has now become much more than just that.

It has become my journey of surviving my annus horribilis with my mental and physical health as in tact as I can muster.

Some days are a struggle but I am certain that one day, the dark entries on this diary will seem like a long forgotten era.

is it over yet

Days like today though, I thoroughly resent the fact that instead of focussing my energy on the million and one things that I ought to be doing to move on with my life, figuring out how to make various impossible changes, my energy, time, money are being wasted because the person who chose to end our marriage has chosen to make the process as impossible as he can muster.

Moving on is impossible when your day and mind is still occupied with unpleasant crap.

dont-confuse-your-path

I have struggled this week to stay on my diet for various reasons.

I am bored with the diet, I want to have more choices but with all the crap going on right now, I can’t really blame the diet. Food may not be leisure but it gives me pleasure. The imp on my shoulder tells me that I’m having a crap few weeks, if eating crap makes me feel a little better, so be it. I know better than that because ultimately, weight gain doesn’t help. I am restless, I am depressed (strong word, I know), I am emotional, I am on my period.

When you have spent all your life crutching on bad food choices when down, it is a cycle that is not easy to break. I will not make excuses for myself.

I take full responsibility for my actions but if breaking the vicious cycle of obesity was an easy feat, there would be no fat person.

the-buck-stops-here1

I needed a reminder of why I am on this weight loss journey.

Fighting talk but I will not stop until I get to an end goal however, the stops and starts make that target seem further and further away.

I can only take it one day at a time; or even one meal at a time.

On 5th January, I wrote a list of reasons why I wanted to lose weight. I revisited those reasons in a  post back in March 2015. Time to revisit those reasons; hopefully they might inspire me to stay on track.

1. Nearly as fat as prior to previous weight loss. [Not anymore. I have lost 5 1/2 stones. Another 3 stones will be truly life changing.]
2. Feel huge, expanded, wide, my clothes can barely fit me. [Not anymore. I now rock jeans. My clothes are loose but imagine how good I will feel if I lose a couple more stones?]
3. Too fat to walk, function, get in and out of bed, in and out of bath. [Those days are well and truly gone!]
4. My beautiful house deserves a beautiful resident. [Give myself a break. I am beautiful fat or slim]
5. My insides must be awful to correspond with the outside. [Easy woman. Note no 4. How about that break?]
6. Spots on face and sore starting on side. [Sore gone. Only occasional stress spots. Tough year!]
7. New chair will feel silly and forced with fat resident. [I now rock that fancy chair.]
8. Slim down, get fit. [Hear hear. Let’s keep doing it. Rome wasn’t built in a day.]
9. Forget sex, can barely move legs. [Most definitely no longer true!]
10. Tray in aircraft, so embarrassing. [That fat moment when your food tray hangs mid air because you are too fat – I’m not that girl any more.]
11. I’m acting like I’ve given up on babies. [Let’s not talk about babies!]
12. I felt hot slimmer. This is ridiculous. [Yep, bring on the H.O.T. me.]
13. Hand -> mouth -> fat [That’s right. Nothing passes this mouth without my say so. You tell yourself that!]

14. Dicing with diabetes. [I have PCOS, diabetes is the next step. Not happening to this chick. No way!]
15. Restricted life. Imagine all I can do on holiday if slim. [Well…so let’s keep going then.]
16. Stupid to be this fat. [Extremely stupid to be fat when I can do something about it. I’m doing it.]
17. Struggled to walk in plane. What’s the alternative, wee in pants as too fat and lacking in confidence to walk in plane? [That fat feeling when you walk in turbulence or worry about fitting into plane’s toilet.]
18. Babies, babies, babies, babies. [Get the memo. Enough of the baby talk!]
19. Get fit, feel better. [I hear you. Let’s keep doing what we’re doing.]
20. Strain on chair max exceeded as of today. [Not anymore. I’m good with that and most chairs]
21. Strain on brand new baths. They will crack. No contest. They really will. [They won’t, not anymore.]
22. Make myself proud again. [Done! I am proud of myself. Note to self: Keep making yourself proud.]
23. Start something, finish it FFS. [I start, I finish. No messing. Fighting talk!]
24. Promise St Thomas doctor. [I told a doctor I would be 40 and slim or 40 and fat from pregnancy. I failed. So what? I can be 43 and nearly slim if I keep to the diet. What’s a few years between friends?]
25. In my 40s, downhill all the way, ill-health in old age. I have time to sort it out now or misery ahead. [Am I trying to depress myself to fuck?! Enough already with the old age!]
26. DH doesn’t deserve a fat wife. [DH who? Please. That ship sunk deeper than the Titanic. I am doing this for me!]

beige room

Chip Away The Fat – One Pound at a Time. Yes I CAN.

2

Day 96 (13 Weeks and 4 Days) Another Mini-Target Smashed!!!!

I teased yesterday that there might be some good news on the weight front.

Here goes…

I have now finally hit the 3 stone mark! Yeah baby. It doesn’t matter that my life is crumbling all around me. We can totally do this weight loss thing.

Three stones

I’ve decided with my Cambridge Consultant Mandy, is to continue on Step 3 of the Cambridge diet until the weight loss stalls ago which means eating 1,000 calories a day, with a compulsory two Cambridge products to supply essential vitamins. Step 3 allows some good carbs like sweet potatoes, whole-wheat pasta and brown basmati rice every single day. I tried these for two days and decided to limit to weekend treats as my body retains too much water even with good carbs. So in place of carbs, I will eat more vegetables, salads and a third Cambridge product to make up the calories.

Week Fourteen’s verdict: today’s weight 104.6kg, week’s weight loss 1.3kg (2.9pounds); total weight loss; 19.8kg (43.6 pounds) 3 stones 1.7lbs to be precise…:-)

Next mini target, 3 1/2 stones!!

ilostwhat43

8

Day 95 – No Knight in Shining Armour

I am still keeping to my diet 100%.

Even though I don’t feel like eating, I force myself to eat regularly and to drink 4 litres of water daily. Tomorrow is official weigh-in day. Fingers crossed that I will have some good news to share…

I’ve had a couple of readers email to say that they can no longer access my blog. Apparently, Sky switched off porn access from their broadband unless you opt out. Bloody nanny state. Oh they haven’t decided that my blog has pornographic content, they have decided to restrict access for “suicidal and self harm contents”. Say what??? O2 in their wisdom have decided to classify my blog as over 18, requesting credit card as proof of age.

Sadly, the solutions are to change your broadband setting, include the blog as an allowed site or on 02, show the proof of age.

annoying fucker

If you’ve managed to fight the nannies to read any of this, well done, power to the people, and thank you for your support. And thank you to every single one of you who visit this blog.

thank you

One day, this blog will go back to obsessing about food, weight loss, fashion, music, travel, food, restaurants and all the things I love.

One day, far far far far far away in the future, I may even make some of you blush when I describe crushing on some cute guy or having mind-blowing sex. Sky can then block me for pornographic content. Fuckers.

I’m sorry but today is not that day…

This morning, I woke up and I sat there in the dark and had a very long cry. My crying was interrupted by a phone call by my sister; I can’t explain how amazing my mum and sisters have been to me.

The lack of sleep isn’t helping; sleeping pills aren’t helping but hopefully, a change in medication today will do the trick. I also have a psychiatry appointment in early June and I’m hoping I can hang on until then. The clinic will see me if I need to see someone earlier which gives me hope help is nearby.

I suspect that I will be getting therapy for years to come to recover from the trauma of the last couple of months.

I wasn’t crying because I am some sort of victim, woe me, poor me, isn’t my life utterly shite. I guess the stark reality of my situation hits me daily.

There is only so much that I can share on this blog. I am a strong person but this has totally floored me. Every day, I find out new things that hurt me.

This morning, I felt extremely vulnerable because I have basically allowed a serpent who I should never have trusted with anything, let alone, with every aspect of my life to share my bed.

This man knows every intimate detail of my life. He knows all my secrets. As an accountant and a banker, he knows all my income and expenditure, even more than I do. This morning, I couldn’t even find my cheque books as I don’t know where he’s kept them.

He knows where the bodies are buried. I don’t know who he is. I can’t trust him to do the right thing.

This morning, it finally dawned on me that in all the time my husband was pretending to be working on our marriage, while secretly carrying on with the mistress he had sworn on his mother’s life he had broken up with, he was merely buying time to prepare himself for divorce. Time to acquire the Deeds to the house we own jointly. To acquire every detail of my finances. Time to plan his life, secretly find a flat and prepare himself for what he seems to do best, which is fucking with my life.

It has dawned on me that the events that occurred on 18th April, the last day I saw him, were engineered by him and his mistress to draw an end to our marriage and his pretences.

Who is this man? Who is this serpent? How can I still be discovering things this man has done to hurt me? What on earth have I done to him to deserve the bad treatment?

I have decided that I will not tell any friends about the end of my marriage until I get my shit sufficiently together. This week, one of my closest friends who knew something was wrong as I had bailed Facebook and wasn’t keeping in touch managed to unknowingly upset me when I finally told him after he threatened to contact my husband to find out what was wrong with me. He means well.

Even though I only told him the briefest details of recent events, his reaction was that of huge shock. He kept saying none of this makes any sense because he knows both of us and knows how very much in love and utterly devoted we were. This is classic midlife crisis. He’s seen it happen all the time. He insisted he uses us as an exemplary marriage when he counsels other couples. It doesn’t make sense. He went on and on putting me on the defensive when I know that I had tried my best to save my marriage. I was willing to try marriage counselling but my husband wouldn’t.

He’s the one that left. I tried my best to save my marriage following discovery of the affair but I can’t force someone to stay married to me when he doesn’t want to.

This morning, it has also dawned on me that there is no man or friend who will rescue me from my current woes and make things better.

There is no knight in shining armour galloping gallantly to try and save me from the craptastic time I’m having right now.

Every one has got their own shit to deal with and will not be leaving theirs to try and make this transition easier for me.

Depending on a man for the last 14 years hasn’t done me much good.

I will have to do this by myself. I will have to save myself

save yourself

Right now, if I want to wake up every day and sit there for hours and hours and cry my eyes out, then so be it. I shall cry until I have no tears.

If I need to have that long postponed mental breakdown, end up in a hospital for the summer, then so be it.

One thing is clear though, I will have to tap into all that is within me to dig myself out of this utter hell and move on with my life as best as I can.

But one day, some day, it will happen, that day isn’t today and that is OK too.

todays pain

2

Day 90 – Notice to Quit

I woke up this morning and I didn’t want to get out of bed.

I stayed in that darkness until I was forced to get up, wash and dress for the Ocado delivery. I guess it’s a good thing that I am still vain enough to want to wash and dress before opening the door to the grocery delivery driver.

The sun is shining and the birds are singing. I want to shut off the sound of the bloody chirpy birds. For someone who has several nature and birds songs recordings, this is bad. This is very bad.

I am down. I am very down.

I don’t know how long this is supposed to take before it gets better.

I don’t know how I am supposed to get on with the rest of my life, however long that life might be.

I don’t know how I am supposed to forget all plans, all thoughts, all memories, all hopes for a future that is not to be, when I am surrounded by countless reminders of the emptiness that I feel.

I don’t know how I am supposed to get over the fact that someone I trusted implicitly with my life and all that is/was in it, could just bail so very easily, when I had stayed steadfast to him in 14 years through all sorts of challenges countless others would have long bailed.

I don’t know how someone could commit three months notice to his job but couldn’t even give me two days when he had agreed marriage counselling for the umpteenth time and had promised to give it at least four weeks, time I said he should also use answering the countless questions that I had about household things he handled. After making that promise on a Saturday 11th April, we would have a lovely Sunday, great lunch near the sea and walking on the beach holding hands. On Monday, 13th April, he would choose to leave his marital home to “think”. He would come back Tuesday 14th declaring undying love. He would spend that Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights with his married mistress whilst pretending to be working on our marriage and giving us both some space.

No handover. No notice to quit. Instead, he bails. He just bails. To “start afresh” and “forge a new path.” No discussions. Door closed. Emotions shut off. Nothing. Nothingness. Nada.

His nine year job would get three months’ notice to quit, three months of careful handover, three months of detailed notes, three months of making sure that whoever takes over is thoroughly briefed for a smooth transition.

His 11 years marriage and 14 years relationship, doesn’t even get two days handover.

Nothing. Nothingness. Nada.

Rationally, I know that I can’t feel this shit and devastated forever. Emotionally, I don’t know that I am strong enough to cope until it starts to get better.

Emotions

This morning, I had a brief thought that some roast lamb and sweet potatoes, my weekend treat in my pre-Cambridge days, might cheer my life up. I thought taking myself to Mayfair, to my favourite restaurant Hakkasan Mayfair, to enjoy some dim sum and gorgeous food, might be just what I need to perk me up.

But I won’t do either of those things.

I’m no longer that girl that relies on food to cheer herself up.

A little movement on the scales this morning, but nothing earth-shattering. I will give Step 2 until Monday before deciding whether to increase my calorific intake from 810 to 1000 on Step 3.

5

Day 89 – Unlucky 13th Weigh-in

Life has been extremely challenging. I have done things this week that I haven’t done in 14 years. I’m sure that an unused section of my brain has been activated.

I am very proud of myself. Who is this person that I have become?

I’m overwhelmed by the turn my life has taken. I still feel the shock of it hitting me daily but I’m taking it one day at a time. That’s all I can do.

This weekend will be very difficult because where there used to be two, there will only be me.

But life goes one; my mantra of the week.

tell-yourself-you-can-do-it

First disappointing weigh-in since I started the diet 12 weeks and 4 days ago. I have lost weight every week except this week. I gained 0.2 kg. Shock horror! I have been on the diet 100% including on my birthday. See last blog: Day 86 – I Have Love.

The three stone mark remains elusive. Damn.

I am going to give it a few days to settle and if it doesn’t, I will step up to step 3 of the Cambridge diet which means going from current 810 calories to 1000 calories. It sounds strange increasing calories to lose weight but it has the effect of jolting the body into losing weight.

Week Thirteen’s verdict: today’s weight 105.9kg, week’s weight gain 0.2kg (0.4 pounds); total weight loss; 18.5 kg ( 40.7 pounds)

5

Day 86 – I Have Love

Yesterday was my 42nd birthday.

I was dreading the day because it would be the first birthday in 15 years that my husband hadn’t been in my life. I had prepared myself for a miserable day. I had mentally prepared myself for the fact that even though he knows what an excitable child I am about my birthday, a day usually filled with lots of pampering, fun and presents from him, my husband would not contact me. I had mentally prepared myself that his mum and sister, might not contact me.

I was very wrong about the latter. My in-laws have been amazingly supportive in all of this.

Sadly, I was right about my husband. This man who’s known me since I was 27 years old. This man who has broken my heart into immeasurable pieces and hurt me beyond all belief, hurt so gigantic, I still get moments when the shock of it hits me every single day, willing myself to wake up from the nightmare.

Of course he hadn’t been in contact.

This man hadn’t thought that mere decency and 14 years was worthy of a text, an email, anything, acknowledging that I might be hurting and might not be having the best birthday in the world, but nevertheless acknowledging my birthday with some best wishes or some kindness or absolutely anything.

Even when I was forced to email him to say that he had given me the wrong password for one of the complicated mess he’s left me to figure out, he couldn’t be bothered to reply with the correct password, let alone acknowledge that it was my previously very special and excitable day.

I heard absolutely nothing.

Has this man always been this cruel and I hadn’t noticed because I was so in love? Has he always been this utterly thoughtless? Has he always been this despicable and hateful?

Well…no thanks to the man I had wasted 14 childbearing years and my youth on, I had a great birthday.

It was naturally very sad at times and I tried my best to drown those sadness with music and things that would lift my spirit. It started with midnight messages from my sisters and a good friend that stays awake every year to wish me happy birthday on the stroke of midnight. I got lots of phone calls and messages filled with love and hope for the future from family and friends.

My soon to be ex mother-in-law and sister-in-law who have been extremely kind and supportive in this nightmare, called to sing happy birthday. The two nephews that I had been heartbroken at the thoughts that my divorce could mean that I never see them grow up, sang happy birthday to me, one after the other. My friend and god daughter recorded happy birthday messages and more singing for me on Whatsapp.

My Cambridge consultant Mandy who has become a dear friend and an immense rock, popped in with a very thoughtful and kind present and a “cake” complete with candle…well not actually a cake, a Cambridge diet Jelly.

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A good friend also chose the spend the whole evening with me, trying to help me sort out some of the things my husband had bailed and left me to figure out.

He succeeded in convincing me that whilst my husband might no longer love or fancy me, other men would find me “gorgeous”.

So…last year’s birthday started with breakfast in bed, tons of expensive presents from my husband and ended with a tasting menu at the fancy 2 Michelin Star Notting Hill Restaurant Ledbury, which we both declared were the best meals we’d ever eaten. This year, I had omelette and cucumber for dinner and Mandy’s Cambridge diet jelly.

But you know what, I would rather eat eggs.

I would rather stay 100% on my diet and have an omelette than fancy dinner with someone who has no respect for me or who might have sat there, instead of acknowledging and appreciating the wonderful life he had, was hungering after greener grass.

This year, I had genuine love from friends and family.

Most importantly, I have self-love.

I have self-love because I am trying my best to be the best that I can be. I know it will be impossibly difficult and that it will take time to recover from the psychological damages of the last 11 weeks, but I will get there some day.

Yesterday, I sent myself some gorgeous flowers with a card message.

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My typed message was handwritten and I’m guessing transcribed by the florist who delivered it who looked at me with sympathetic eyes. She must have called me sweetheart four times and asked me if I was OK and to take care.

The kindness of strangers.

The message on my card to myself said:

I am beautiful, intelligent, creative, kind and generous.
I have a lot going for me.
This period sucks but the sun will shine again.
Simply take it one day at a time.
Happy birthday.
Go me! xxx

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