2

Day 296: Why am I doing this again?

This diary started as a record of yet another weight loss journey.

It has now become much more than just that.

It has become my journey of surviving my annus horribilis with my mental and physical health as in tact as I can muster.

Some days are a struggle but I am certain that one day, the dark entries on this diary will seem like a long forgotten era.

is it over yet

Days like today though, I thoroughly resent the fact that instead of focussing my energy on the million and one things that I ought to be doing to move on with my life, figuring out how to make various impossible changes, my energy, time, money are being wasted because the person who chose to end our marriage has chosen to make the process as impossible as he can muster.

Moving on is impossible when your day and mind is still occupied with unpleasant crap.

dont-confuse-your-path

I have struggled this week to stay on my diet for various reasons.

I am bored with the diet, I want to have more choices but with all the crap going on right now, I can’t really blame the diet. Food may not be leisure but it gives me pleasure. The imp on my shoulder tells me that I’m having a crap few weeks, if eating crap makes me feel a little better, so be it. I know better than that because ultimately, weight gain doesn’t help. I am restless, I am depressed (strong word, I know), I am emotional, I am on my period.

When you have spent all your life crutching on bad food choices when down, it is a cycle that is not easy to break. I will not make excuses for myself.

I take full responsibility for my actions but if breaking the vicious cycle of obesity was an easy feat, there would be no fat person.

the-buck-stops-here1

I needed a reminder of why I am on this weight loss journey.

Fighting talk but I will not stop until I get to an end goal however, the stops and starts make that target seem further and further away.

I can only take it one day at a time; or even one meal at a time.

On 5th January, I wrote a list of reasons why I wanted to lose weight. I revisited those reasons in a  post back in March 2015. Time to revisit those reasons; hopefully they might inspire me to stay on track.

1. Nearly as fat as prior to previous weight loss. [Not anymore. I have lost 5 1/2 stones. Another 3 stones will be truly life changing.]
2. Feel huge, expanded, wide, my clothes can barely fit me. [Not anymore. I now rock jeans. My clothes are loose but imagine how good I will feel if I lose a couple more stones?]
3. Too fat to walk, function, get in and out of bed, in and out of bath. [Those days are well and truly gone!]
4. My beautiful house deserves a beautiful resident. [Give myself a break. I am beautiful fat or slim]
5. My insides must be awful to correspond with the outside. [Easy woman. Note no 4. How about that break?]
6. Spots on face and sore starting on side. [Sore gone. Only occasional stress spots. Tough year!]
7. New chair will feel silly and forced with fat resident. [I now rock that fancy chair.]
8. Slim down, get fit. [Hear hear. Let’s keep doing it. Rome wasn’t built in a day.]
9. Forget sex, can barely move legs. [Most definitely no longer true!]
10. Tray in aircraft, so embarrassing. [That fat moment when your food tray hangs mid air because you are too fat – I’m not that girl any more.]
11. I’m acting like I’ve given up on babies. [Let’s not talk about babies!]
12. I felt hot slimmer. This is ridiculous. [Yep, bring on the H.O.T. me.]
13. Hand -> mouth -> fat [That’s right. Nothing passes this mouth without my say so. You tell yourself that!]

14. Dicing with diabetes. [I have PCOS, diabetes is the next step. Not happening to this chick. No way!]
15. Restricted life. Imagine all I can do on holiday if slim. [Well…so let’s keep going then.]
16. Stupid to be this fat. [Extremely stupid to be fat when I can do something about it. I’m doing it.]
17. Struggled to walk in plane. What’s the alternative, wee in pants as too fat and lacking in confidence to walk in plane? [That fat feeling when you walk in turbulence or worry about fitting into plane’s toilet.]
18. Babies, babies, babies, babies. [Get the memo. Enough of the baby talk!]
19. Get fit, feel better. [I hear you. Let’s keep doing what we’re doing.]
20. Strain on chair max exceeded as of today. [Not anymore. I’m good with that and most chairs]
21. Strain on brand new baths. They will crack. No contest. They really will. [They won’t, not anymore.]
22. Make myself proud again. [Done! I am proud of myself. Note to self: Keep making yourself proud.]
23. Start something, finish it FFS. [I start, I finish. No messing. Fighting talk!]
24. Promise St Thomas doctor. [I told a doctor I would be 40 and slim or 40 and fat from pregnancy. I failed. So what? I can be 43 and nearly slim if I keep to the diet. What’s a few years between friends?]
25. In my 40s, downhill all the way, ill-health in old age. I have time to sort it out now or misery ahead. [Am I trying to depress myself to fuck?! Enough already with the old age!]
26. DH doesn’t deserve a fat wife. [DH who? Please. That ship sunk deeper than the Titanic. I am doing this for me!]

beige room

Chip Away The Fat – One Pound at a Time. Yes I CAN.

2

Day 293: Week 42 Weigh-in – We need to talk about Christmas

This has been an extremely hard week.

Divorce sucks like nothing has ever sucked but I know this is only a phase which will pass.

The last couple of weeks have been spent completing the nightmare Form E and gathering countless documents in readiness for court imposed deadline.

Every bone in my body is shattered. My back aches. My legs ache. My hips ache. My emotions are totally drained.

On Wednesday, I had therapy. I was in good form, full of positive talk for the future. We made diary plans to ensure I have some psychological support from her to see me through the first financial court hearing in January. I have a wonderful therapist who I have been seeing since June. She has been exceptional in getting our sessions extended several times and now trying to make sure I continue to have ongoing psychological support through the stresses of court hearings next year.

Only 10% of divorce cases go through a third and final court trial where a judge imposes a final judgment. My ex is crazy, totally unreasonable and a zombie being controlled by repugnant idiots. I am resigned I will be one of the unlucky 10%.

Our divorce will probably make his mistress’ sister a partner in her divorce law firm for the generous business from my ex. A fool and his money…

Yesterday, I had a follow-up with a consultant psychiatrist. The mental torture of the end of my marriage and my ex’s repulsive behaviour (if you’re new to my blog, see my About Me section), had resulted in a breakdown. I am not ashamed to seek help or to admit that I have been on medication since then.

The consultant was extremely nice and sympathetic. She talked about the unfairness of my situation. She will update my GP accordingly. The nicer she was to me, the more I cried and cried and cried and cried.

I thought I was done crying.

In addition to the pills I was given earlier in the year, she tells me my mood is still low, that I’m depressed. She wants me on more medication than I’m already taking. She prescribes some anti-depressants that will increase the happy hormones serotonin, supress adrenalin, help me sleep better…

Mental health issues are difficult to discuss.

I think there is something about anti-depressants that gets to people. My mother had a major panic when I told her about the doctor’s visit. She immediately writes:

“Please don’t ever give in to depression. Anger, yes. Occasional sadness, yes. But depression. Please reject it in the name of all that is good.”

I admonished myself for worrying her, as if she hasn’t got enough worries.

One of my best friends responds:

“No, we just need to get you out having fun. You don’t need to take any of that shit.”

She invites me to another girlie night I had already declined and she is now planning for the girls to descend to mine in January.

If the mountain won’t come to Muhammed…

I ask my sweet sister, who  has been a rock about the specific medication. She’s a medical doctor. She calmly says:

“It’s okay. You could try it as people react in different ways. Everything will be alright my sister.”

I think if I’m honest with myself, the doctor is right about the anti-depressants and I hope they will help. I am more concerned that one of the side effects include weight gain but she had reassured me that it only increases appetite and if I don’t eat more, I won’t gain weight.

So in all of that drama, there is Christmas to think about. I still haven’t bought a single present.

In my pre-divorce life, Christmas was my absolute favourite holiday. This year, it fills me with dread.

I don’t want to think about 15 Christmases where my ex would overwhelm me with Christmas gifts like the picture below from last year.

He was certainly very generous when we were together. It’s a shame now he thinks it is entirely fine to pay me £0, while he keeps his City banker income all to himself.

2014-12-25 10.10.20

I don’t want to remember that last Christmas, I somehow managed to get 11 people to sit down in my home for Christmas lunch.

There were 6 people in my house last Christmas, who have been me for 15 Christmases and who I will most likely never see again in my entire life, except of course the ex, who I will be seeing in court hearings next year.

It is a very sad way to end a marriage.

2014-12-25 10.15.38

No, I don’t want to think about last Christmas.

But I really should think about this Christmas because this year, there will be three innocent kids in my home who haven’t done anything wrong.

There will be three young kids who will come with excitement to see their “fun auntie” and by God, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that she is still out there.

I owe it to them to make this the best Christmas I can muster.

It is not their fault that the shit hit the fan and it is unfair for them to think that life doesn’t move on and stay fun.

I promise myself that I will do whatever it takes, put on my big girls’ pants, suck it up like a fucking pro, fake it until I make it, to put on a happy show.

There will certainly be 99 times less presents this Christmas compared to Christmases past, (especially for me) but I make a silent promise to those kids there will be joy, laughter and lots of fun in my home this Christmas.

You know what, it’s not just about the kids; I owe it to myself and moving on to make it a brilliant Christmas.

a little girl

Week Forty Two’s Verdict: today’s weight 88.8 kg, week’s weight loss 0.8 kg (1.17 pounds); total weight loss; 35.6 kg; 78.3 pounds; 5 stones 8.5 pounds

2

Day 291 – Grumpy and Knackered

This week has been non-stop filled with crap. Last week too. I am so tired I could cry. And I did. A lot and a lot and a lot and some more.

One day, my life will be so full of joy and happiness that I am going to look back at this year and see it as a totally insignificant blip and a very very very lucky escape from a wholly forgettable being.

I promise.

Christmas? That deserves a post all by itself. I haven’t bought a single thing. I don’t want to think about it just yet. A few more days please. Pretty please but I promise I will embrace that joy oh joy. And it shall be fun, fun, fun.

I promise…maybe.

While am at it, how long is it going to take to get this bloody decree nisi?

I don’t even want to think of this person let alone having to keep uttering and spelling his double barrelled name, the first of which, no one else has ever heard of and I always have to spell several times.

God, I just can’t wait to erase from all my documents and revert fully to my maiden name.

In other news, yesterday, I could have killed for a takeaway. 

Same as the day before and today if I’m honest. Nothing hideous, I fancy some healthy Japanese but I will resist as it will definitely spike a weight gain.

Instead, I’ll make myself some boiled eggs and cucumber salad.

Oh and I might treat myself to another diet coke. I’ve lost count of how many of that poisonous crap I have consumed this week to get the caffeine kick.

I’ve also discovered the kick of an espresso.

Rock and Roll..

Pop a happy pill already. You know you want to.

happy-pills-1

 

2

Day 285: Week 41 Weigh-in – Flying Solo

I haven’t posted here for a few weeks. As always, thank you to those that have been in touch to make sure that I am OK.

I am OK. In fact, I am much better than just OK.

The last few weeks have been eventful to say the least. In fact, without being overly melodramatic, the last few weeks have been life-changing and life-affirming and I will one day write more about them.

The main things to share include the fact that I am at peace with my single life. I am at peace with flying solo. I am at peace with being by myself. I am at peace with however my financial circumstances pan out after the courts next year because I will be just fine.

I am a survivor.

flying solo

The last few weeks have firmly stamped on my head that in spite of all the crap from this year, I am still an attractive woman who men find desirable. In a few years time when I have fully healed and rediscovered myself, I may pursue relationships.

And if I ever have a man in my life, he will be there to complement my life and not to complete it. No man will ever become my whole life. I am enough for myself.

My life can still be full of possibilities, full of joys, happiness, pleasures, adventures, new memories. I can make all these things happen for myself without needing a significant other.

work-in-progress

I am not saying that the last few weeks mean that I am fully recovered from the devastation of this year but I have certainly had a major turn.

I am still a work in progress.

Next week, I will see my amazing psychotherapist for yet another therapy session. I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist and I will probably stay on medication for the foreseeable future but that is fine. I am not ashamed of help.

no matter what

On the Cambridge diet front, for several reasons, I took a planned break from the diet but I am back on it 100% this week. I fully appreciate that every other diet that I have been on in the past with some degree of success gets to this stage, where my weight is in the 80s and fails because I become comfortable and complacent.

This time, I am determined to get to the end of a weight loss journey. I will do it.

Watch this space.

i may not be

Week Forty One’s Verdict: today’s weight 89.6 kg, week’s weight loss 5.5 kg (12.16 pounds); total weight loss; 34.8 kg; 76.6 pounds; 5 stones 6.7 pounds

9

Day 204 – I Will Survive

I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

I do not see the light at the end of the craptastic tunnel

One of those nights when I have various versions of my all time favourite survival songs on auto replay…

Desperate times call for desperate measures

And like the songs say…

I am a survivor

I will survive

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Please indulge me with the excessive YouTube Survivor Videos

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to get along

And so you’re back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You’d be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
You think I’d crumble
You think I’d lay down and die

Oh no, not I

I will survive

As long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive
I will survive (hey hey)

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high

And you see me
Somebody new
I’m not that chained up little girl
Who fell in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free
Now I’m saving all my loving
For someone who’s loving me
Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore

Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
You think I’d crumble
You think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive
I will survive (oh)

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
You think I’d crumble
You think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive
I will survive
I will survive… !