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Day 337 – Sadness Overwhelms Me :-(

I am overwhelmed by profound sadness that in two days’ time, I will find myself in court facing my ex, his gutter solicitor and expensive barrister – exactly 15 years to the day we first met; Saturday, 20th January, 2001.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that 15 years later, this is where we are.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that my ex has spent over £11,000, so far, on legal fees on our divorce but has never for one day stated exactly how he thinks our assets ought to be divided. Nothing. Nada.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that my ex’s behaviour has forced me to spend over £10,000 on legal fees.

Jesus Christ. Over £21,000 wasted on fuck all, is a lot of money by anyone’s standards. If this case goes to a final trial like I expect it would, we would have spent 3 or 4 or 5 times that amount.

For what exactly? Absolutely no progress whatsoever.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that after 15 years, my ex would rather spend silly money on lawyers, force me to do the same, rather than settle our disputes like civilised and intelligent people ought to do.

This man that I loved unconditionally for 14.5 years thinks that this sorry state of affairs is the best way forward. Why?

But things are what they are and I just have to get on with it hopeful that this nightmare will one day end.

My diet has fallen by the wayside in the last few days. If I’m totally honest, I’m not too bothered about it and will not kick myself for doing whatever I need to do to get over the stress and sadness that seek to drown me.

I have never smoked or been much of a drinker; my limit has always been one or two glasses of red wine. Last night, in my sadness and angst, I wished I was a smoker, puffing away on endless sticks of cigarettes and drinking shots after shots of whiskey. Instead, I had diet coke, crisps and toasts. Perhaps not quite the tragic romance of puffing away on cigarettes and drinking whiskey but equally as destructive.

Please don’t write to tell me to stay on my diet, don’t let the bastard derail me, blah blah blah.

I know and I will sort it soon enough.

I won’t stress about the diet. I have other much more important things to stress about.

I absolutely cannot wait to see the end of this week.

I will not stop my diet until I reach goal weight, so will sort it out when my head is able to.

Just please, let me get over this nightmare week.

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Day 330 – One Day at a Time…

Assuming it doesn’t snow and I find myself snowed in and incapacitated, in just over a week, I will find myself in a court of law fighting over finances with my ex who unfortunately remains my husband because even though he filed for divorce in June, I haven’t even been granted a decree nisi, let alone a decree absolute which will only happen after our finances are settled, however long that takes.

Following my discovery of my ex’s affair, sitting in the kitchen side by side, I told him that whatever happened in our marriage, whether it survived or not, we must be sensible and commercial, sit down like we were and sort out our finances. We both agreed that it would be stupid and senseless to go to court because the only winners would be lawyers and their fees.

I remain willing to settle my financial affairs out of court but it takes two to tango and I’m resigned to going to court for as long as it takes.

It is a sad state of affairs that my ex and I only communicate through lawyers; I have done my best to settle out of court.

I initiated financial mediation which my ex ended. I initiated an out of court offer for settlement which my ex rejected and refused to make a counteroffer.

Instead of a counteroffer, I got shit back like the knife this man has struck into my back isn’t deep enough; he needs to pull it deeper, twist the knife round and round, and find new and innovative ways to hurt me.

I still have absolutely no idea whatsoever how this man thinks our financial affairs ought to be settled because he has never said. Not for one single day.

But of course when you are stupid enough to invite other people with all sorts of ulterior motives into your marriage and into its dissolutions, you get to where I find myself; an ex who for whatever reasons best known only to him and the idiotic people he’s allowed into his life, think the best bet is to surrender the dissolution of our affairs to a court of law from which there would be no winners other than the lawyers’ coffers.

Everyday, I find new things that tell me that the person I loved for 14.5 years is long dead and in his place, is a complete stranger who has invaded his body.

Who is this person that has ignored a court mandated deadline given as far back as October? The man I loved was a sensible law abiding person who respected processes.

This arrogant piece of shit that ignores court mandated deadlines and instructs a gutter, dirty lawyer who doesn’t even have the professional courtesy to inform the other side’s lawyer of delays in meeting court deadlines, is a scumbag low life.

This person is a complete stranger to me and most definitely not the kind of company I would keep; and thankfully I don’t.

Yesterday, a friend told me how she and her ex sorted out their divorce settlement, getting a judge to rubber-stamp their agreement with praises from the judge; I envied her amicable divorce.

But things are what they are and I have no choice but to accept them and get on with it as best as I can.

This like any bad period of one’s life is only a phase; it will not last forever. It will last for as long as it lasts but not forever.

bruises

I’m staying on the diet…just.

My head even as I write this, is filled with thoughts of food and the comfort food brings but this is how I got to where I am, so I must try my best to resist. I felt proud of myself yesterday making endless coffees with biscuits, chocolates and crisps for my friend and chomping on my Cambridge bar.

My head was filled afterwards with thoughts of the yummy crisps I had served her, it still is; a little wouldn’t hurt but I know I wouldn’t stop at a little, I would eat the whole packet and hence prolong the vicious cycle of obesity.

temptation

One day at a time sweet Jesus.

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Day 291 – Grumpy and Knackered

This week has been non-stop filled with crap. Last week too. I am so tired I could cry. And I did. A lot and a lot and a lot and some more.

One day, my life will be so full of joy and happiness that I am going to look back at this year and see it as a totally insignificant blip and a very very very lucky escape from a wholly forgettable being.

I promise.

Christmas? That deserves a post all by itself. I haven’t bought a single thing. I don’t want to think about it just yet. A few more days please. Pretty please but I promise I will embrace that joy oh joy. And it shall be fun, fun, fun.

I promise…maybe.

While am at it, how long is it going to take to get this bloody decree nisi?

I don’t even want to think of this person let alone having to keep uttering and spelling his double barrelled name, the first of which, no one else has ever heard of and I always have to spell several times.

God, I just can’t wait to erase from all my documents and revert fully to my maiden name.

In other news, yesterday, I could have killed for a takeaway. 

Same as the day before and today if I’m honest. Nothing hideous, I fancy some healthy Japanese but I will resist as it will definitely spike a weight gain.

Instead, I’ll make myself some boiled eggs and cucumber salad.

Oh and I might treat myself to another diet coke. I’ve lost count of how many of that poisonous crap I have consumed this week to get the caffeine kick.

I’ve also discovered the kick of an espresso.

Rock and Roll..

Pop a happy pill already. You know you want to.

happy-pills-1

 

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Day 285: Week 41 Weigh-in – Flying Solo

I haven’t posted here for a few weeks. As always, thank you to those that have been in touch to make sure that I am OK.

I am OK. In fact, I am much better than just OK.

The last few weeks have been eventful to say the least. In fact, without being overly melodramatic, the last few weeks have been life-changing and life-affirming and I will one day write more about them.

The main things to share include the fact that I am at peace with my single life. I am at peace with flying solo. I am at peace with being by myself. I am at peace with however my financial circumstances pan out after the courts next year because I will be just fine.

I am a survivor.

flying solo

The last few weeks have firmly stamped on my head that in spite of all the crap from this year, I am still an attractive woman who men find desirable. In a few years time when I have fully healed and rediscovered myself, I may pursue relationships.

And if I ever have a man in my life, he will be there to complement my life and not to complete it. No man will ever become my whole life. I am enough for myself.

My life can still be full of possibilities, full of joys, happiness, pleasures, adventures, new memories. I can make all these things happen for myself without needing a significant other.

work-in-progress

I am not saying that the last few weeks mean that I am fully recovered from the devastation of this year but I have certainly had a major turn.

I am still a work in progress.

Next week, I will see my amazing psychotherapist for yet another therapy session. I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist and I will probably stay on medication for the foreseeable future but that is fine. I am not ashamed of help.

no matter what

On the Cambridge diet front, for several reasons, I took a planned break from the diet but I am back on it 100% this week. I fully appreciate that every other diet that I have been on in the past with some degree of success gets to this stage, where my weight is in the 80s and fails because I become comfortable and complacent.

This time, I am determined to get to the end of a weight loss journey. I will do it.

Watch this space.

i may not be

Week Forty One’s Verdict: today’s weight 89.6 kg, week’s weight loss 5.5 kg (12.16 pounds); total weight loss; 34.8 kg; 76.6 pounds; 5 stones 6.7 pounds

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Day 265: Week 38 Weigh-In – Heal Thyself

This has been a week of ups and downs on the life front but on the diet front, I have stayed firmly in my zone. The week’s weight loss is recorded below.

I am not going to stop this diet until I hit a healthy weight.

I may stumble and fall, but I will get there some day.

As life continues to present challenges, I surround myself with words that encourage me to believe that I will not only survive this horrendous period of my life but I shall thrive.

I am a survivor and not a victim.

My life will be filled with joy, happiness and fulfilment and not strive, anger, bitterness and negativity.

I will at least keep trying my best.

So here are some of the little notes I leave for myself on the kitchen Island.

A little bit of self-love and self-healing. Not in a narcissistic way…hopefully.

2015-11-05 12.00.19

2015-11-05 11.58.53

2015-11-05 11.59.09

2015-11-05 11.59.31

2015-11-05 11.59.54

2015-11-05 12.06.16

2015-11-05 12.07.45

Week Thirty Eight’s Verdict: today’s weight 88.2 kg, week’s weight loss 0.7 kg (1.54 pounds); total weight loss; 36.2 kg; 79.6 pounds; 5 stones 9.8 pounds

; Screenshot_2015-11-06-09-59-07

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Day 247 – The Cycle of Grief Overwhelms Me

Last Friday, I wrote a very positive post about moving on.

Following that post, I decided to update the About Me section of this blog from the start of this weight loss journey where I wrote about wanting to lose weight for a 9th IVF cycle with “my wonderful husband” and the “love of my life”.

What total bollocks.

How is that love of my life crap working out for me?

Writing that update that doesn’t even list 1% of the incomprehensible cruelty I have faced from this man since he ended our marriage by email and engaged his mistress’ sister’s lawfirm for our divorce, triggered something and since then, I am back to feeling extremely angry with this scumbag.

Shit happens.

Marriages end. That’s fine.

If my husband had ended our marriage but had attempted to do the fair and decent thing by me instead of the incomprehensible and continuing cruelty and unreasonableness from him, I won’t be crying and writing this post.

I am so very angry at this man.

Angry that this scumbag sleeps easy and is happy to leave me with absolutely nothing after loving him, supporting him and helping to build him for over 14 years.

Angry that this spineless, psychopathic, serpent has lost all decency and is completely deluded from what is right or wrong.

Angry that this scumbag could not do the decent thing by someone that stood by him for over 14 years and instead, has chosen to invite these despicable, morally repugnant people he has known for two minutes into our lives; his mistress, her divorce lawyer sister and her law firm, who with his riches, he has on tap 24/7, to dictate what he should or should not be doing with the end of his marriage.

Angry that this scumbag has given this evil woman, not only my home address and the mobile phone number I have had since 1994, and that I had received a call on her behalf spurting her nonsensical crap.

Thanks Mylien for finally confirming your identity with that call.

Angry that he sleeps easily at night happy with his decision to pay £0 to me and towards a house he owns half of, and is demanding that I immediately sell, even though this has been my home for over 11.5 years, I have sunk my life savings into my home and have paid much more than he has.

Angry that this evil man demands evidence of facts he witnessed daily for over 14 years.

Angry that life moves on so easily for him, while I face unfathomable daily difficulties that completely overwhelm me.

Before I get any emails or messages telling me that I should get over the end of my marriage, forget my ex and move on, believe me, no one knows that more than I do.

I am doing my best because I know that anger eats you up.

It is also totally pointless being angry with a stone cold, emotionally dead, heartless scumbag who is busy enjoying his life and his riches and sleeping soundly at night while I stay awake fuming.

I do not want to stay angry with my scumbag ex.

I do not want to lose even a second of thoughts to this evil man or think about him for even a second.

I do not want to lie awake at night worrying about my life and fuming at his cruelty.

I do not want to think of the unfairness of this cruel situation that I have found myself in.

I do not want to cry myself to sleep.

I do not want to have anything negative in my life.

This is what it is and I am working on myself to keep positive and move on with my life as best as I can even though it is impossible to move on when I will not disentangle myself from this scumbag for another year.

Some days like today, the cycle of grief overwhelms me and it all seems so very impossible.

I have to have hope that there will be rainbow after the rainfall.

I have to have hope that there will be laughter and sunshine.

5

Day 243: Week 35 Weigh-In – Slow and Steady Wins the Race – Another Mini Target Smashed!

Shit happens.

I am trying to move on with my life following the devastating and sudden end of my marriage and the incomprehensible and continuing acts of betrayals since then.
Quotes-On-Moving-On-9
Sadly, it looks like I will be facing a protracted court case to disentangle myself from my scumbag ex. As it stands, I am looking at a final hearing by end of summer 2016, possibly later.

This week, I made some very hard decisions which I am optimistic will help me move on with my life in a positive and fulfilling manner.

I also made the firm decision to start living life again instead of waiting for the end of my divorce/financial settlements to live again.

Baby steps and a work in progress.

I believe in the power of positive thinking.

themindiseverything

And as part of those tough but positive decisions, I have taken some bold, exciting but daunting steps which I might write about in coming weeks.

Shit happens and now I either deal with the shit or drown with the shit.

I choose to live.

ichoosetomake

This morning, sitting on the edge of the bath, I found this unusually painful and hard on my bum. It finally dawned on me that this is because there is less padding on my previously humongous padded bottom!

Now that’s a nice problem to have.

KimKardashian-534504

I have this week smashed the 5 1/2 stones loss. I am utterly thrilled.

Next mini target is 6 stones loss which will take me to a weight that I haven’t been since my 20s.

6 1/2 stones, that is another 12 pounds loss, will take me to a weight I haven’t been since I was a teenager.

This blows my mind more than chocolate ever did.

Week Thirty Five’s Verdict: today’s weight 88.7 kg, week’s weight loss 0.9 kg (1.98 pounds); total weight loss; 35.7 kg; 78.5 pounds; 5 stones 8.7 pounds

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I’ve actually lost approximately 79 pounds but I preferred the axes to ninja stars…but here’s another picture dedicated to a particular reader who wrote that she likes the photos I post on my blog! xx

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