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Day 623 – Thank You to Good Friends…We Are Yet to Meet.

I don’t care if it takes me a trillion days, a billion fails and a million restarts.

I owe it to myself and to every single person who reads this blog and who cares about my journey, to keep chipping away at my fat, until I reach goal.

So….I’m back on the diet wagon.

I want to say a massive thank you to all of you who have followed my journey and those of you who have become my friends on Facebook through this blog, and who have extended a real and genuine hand of friendship.

thank you

Although we have not met face to face…yet, your friendship and support are tremendously important and hugely appreciated by me.

Let’s face it, you know my innermost thoughts, which 99% of people closest to me in the “real world”, whatever that is, are not privy to. 

You are all very important to me as real and virtual lives merge in our world.

The comment below on my Facebook following my last post, from an incredible lady who I have not met…yet, but who I greatly admire and very much care about, like I do my closest “real life” friends, moved me more than I can express.

And so, I say, thank you.

“You are so brave! What a journey you’ve been on! I remember a year ago telling you it would get easier….and I stand by that….it does, but I too, after 8 years of being divorced received a letter from my ex last week…and it still hurts. In my experience the pain dulls, but it never leaves entirely.

But that discomfort mustn’t stop you moving forward with your life and pursuing your own happiness every moment of every day!

This may not be the outcome you’d have chosen but it is a new page, a clean sheet for you to put your mark on, and knowing you lovely one, it’ll be beautiful!!! Big Love xxxx”

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Week One, Day 572 – My Journey…Is Right on Time

A planned day off my diet, ended up being a week off my diet.

And so, on Saturday, I had yet another restart and so far, I’ve been 100% on my diet.

I am beginning to worry whether I will fail in this diet quest.

I obviously do not want to fail.

I am currently at a weight that is comfortable for me and I have never really managed to get below this sort of weight in any diet that I have been on.

Ever.

I have been on a quest to lose weight since age 9. I am 43 years old. 34 years of excessive fat is a long history to overcome. Even if I think of my weight struggles as an adult, since the age of 18, that means 25 years old of history. That’s a lot of years.

It is easy to give up.

It is easy to say that I have failed at every attempt to get to a healthy weight all my life and why should this time and this diet be any different.

It is easy to say that my history is very much against me.

It is easy to accept that maybe I’m just not meant to ever be a size 6.

It is easy to let the negativity get to me.

But self-love is about telling yourself the truth and being brutally honest with yourself.

Self-love is about admitting that there are all sorts of plans I have for my future that will never happen if I remain obese.

Self-love is about being the best version of myself that I can be.

Self-love is about reminding myself that I have survived 17 months of pure hell. That girl that thought that she didn’t want to live because her marriage ended, that girl who would cry herself to sleep over the heartbreak of the end of her marriage, survived that pure hell.

If I can survive 17 months of pure hell, surely I can control what goes from my hands to my mouth and therefore whether I remain obese forever or have a better life at a healthy weight.

I am channelling the me that  achieved ambitions way beyond all limitations even when I’m told by those who should know better to lower my expectations and ambitions.

I am channelling the me that achieved first class honours degree, distinction in post graduate studies, who won every single academic prize available and ended up  working in one of the top companies in the world in my professional field, before illness caused me to stop work.

own-hero

I am channelling the me that has a can do attitude that means that no is never the answer and who uses intelligence and creativity to create solutions for every problem that presents itself.

I am channelling the me that may have been dealt with a few bad hands by fate but is still standing and still finds reasons to smile.

I know the me above is still very much around, because that person is the only reason I could have survived my 17 months of hell.

That person can get to the end of this weight loss quest.

And so, I pledge that I do not care how often I fall down on this quest to break a weight problem of a lifetime, I will get up whenever I fail and I will carry on.

mirror-mirror

I do not care that every body else on the internet is losing all their excess weight in a few short months and my journey is taking forever. We are all different and we all have our own lives and quests to overcome.

This is my journey and it will take as long as it takes.

I do not care that my body doesn’t lose as much weight as everyone seem to do on the Cambridge diet, I will keep going.

I do not care that my body frustrates the hell out of me by often ceasing to lose weight when I am doing everything right, I will keep going until I reach my destination.

now-is-right-on-time

And so, here I am again, promising myself and everyone who has followed my weight loss quest that I will keep going until I hit a healthy weight or at least a weight that I have never achieved before given that I have no idea whether an NHS prescribed BMI friendly weight would look good on this 43 year old who has never been a healthy weight.

I am on yet another self-imposed 28 days challenge to lose a stone. The plan is to stay strictly on my diet except for one meal when a very good friend is taking me out to a very fancy restaurant for lunch. Yes, there is something like a free lunch…

And yes, it will be one lunch that will not be 100% on plan, but this time, it will stop at only one meal and not one week.

Week One, Day 572’s Verdict: today’s weight 90.1 kg, week’s weight loss 3.6 kg (7.9 pounds); total weight loss;  33.7 kg; 74.1 pounds; 5 stones 4 pounds

 

1

Day 394: I’m Still Standing

I haven’t written on this diary for ages.

Thank you to those of you who have been in touch asking for news and to all those who keep reading my diary.

Life got extremely busy.

I had some crap to deal with but it’s done and I’m good and I have moved on.

I am still very much on my diet. Today, I went out for a lunch. Standing in the mirror looking at myself before I went out, it struck me that standing, I no longer look fat, let alone obese.

Naked or seated, is another matter.

I continue to fight the jinx that means that I get to 86 point something kg, and don’t seem to lose any more weight.

This is a battle I intend to win this time.

I bloody hope so.

war

2

Day 369: Week 53 Weigh-in – Six Stones Loss

Today is exactly 1 year and 4 days since I started the Cambridge Diet.

As the heading says, I am super chuffed to report that I have now lost exactly six stones.

I am totally stunned by the fact that if I lose just under a stone and a half, (9.4kg) my BMI will go from obese to overweight.

I have not been overweight since I was 18 years old.

This week, I have also noticed that I am actually smaller. I took a picture of myself trying some clothes out. I looked smaller. I had to make sure it wasn’t just the camera angle. I took another picture. And another. And another. And another.

There were no magical tricks by my phone camera. I have actually lost noticeable weight.

I was wearing size 12 clothes. I pinch myself but yes, I can wear size 12 clothes.

proud of myself

This weekend, I am having an all girls’ party. It will be fun and there will be lots of food. I will have a great time, enjoy a treat or two but I will try my best not to go mad.

Thank you to all of you that have stayed on this journey with me and supported me through it all. Still a way to go but I’ll get there.

thank you

Week Fifty three’s Verdict: today’s weight 86.1 kg, week’s weight loss 1.8 kg (3.96 pounds); total weight loss;  38.3 kg; 84.3 pounds; 6 stones 0.4 pounds

84

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Day 330 – One Day at a Time…

Assuming it doesn’t snow and I find myself snowed in and incapacitated, in just over a week, I will find myself in a court of law fighting over finances with my ex who unfortunately remains my husband because even though he filed for divorce in June, I haven’t even been granted a decree nisi, let alone a decree absolute which will only happen after our finances are settled, however long that takes.

Following my discovery of my ex’s affair, sitting in the kitchen side by side, I told him that whatever happened in our marriage, whether it survived or not, we must be sensible and commercial, sit down like we were and sort out our finances. We both agreed that it would be stupid and senseless to go to court because the only winners would be lawyers and their fees.

I remain willing to settle my financial affairs out of court but it takes two to tango and I’m resigned to going to court for as long as it takes.

It is a sad state of affairs that my ex and I only communicate through lawyers; I have done my best to settle out of court.

I initiated financial mediation which my ex ended. I initiated an out of court offer for settlement which my ex rejected and refused to make a counteroffer.

Instead of a counteroffer, I got shit back like the knife this man has struck into my back isn’t deep enough; he needs to pull it deeper, twist the knife round and round, and find new and innovative ways to hurt me.

I still have absolutely no idea whatsoever how this man thinks our financial affairs ought to be settled because he has never said. Not for one single day.

But of course when you are stupid enough to invite other people with all sorts of ulterior motives into your marriage and into its dissolutions, you get to where I find myself; an ex who for whatever reasons best known only to him and the idiotic people he’s allowed into his life, think the best bet is to surrender the dissolution of our affairs to a court of law from which there would be no winners other than the lawyers’ coffers.

Everyday, I find new things that tell me that the person I loved for 14.5 years is long dead and in his place, is a complete stranger who has invaded his body.

Who is this person that has ignored a court mandated deadline given as far back as October? The man I loved was a sensible law abiding person who respected processes.

This arrogant piece of shit that ignores court mandated deadlines and instructs a gutter, dirty lawyer who doesn’t even have the professional courtesy to inform the other side’s lawyer of delays in meeting court deadlines, is a scumbag low life.

This person is a complete stranger to me and most definitely not the kind of company I would keep; and thankfully I don’t.

Yesterday, a friend told me how she and her ex sorted out their divorce settlement, getting a judge to rubber-stamp their agreement with praises from the judge; I envied her amicable divorce.

But things are what they are and I have no choice but to accept them and get on with it as best as I can.

This like any bad period of one’s life is only a phase; it will not last forever. It will last for as long as it lasts but not forever.

bruises

I’m staying on the diet…just.

My head even as I write this, is filled with thoughts of food and the comfort food brings but this is how I got to where I am, so I must try my best to resist. I felt proud of myself yesterday making endless coffees with biscuits, chocolates and crisps for my friend and chomping on my Cambridge bar.

My head was filled afterwards with thoughts of the yummy crisps I had served her, it still is; a little wouldn’t hurt but I know I wouldn’t stop at a little, I would eat the whole packet and hence prolong the vicious cycle of obesity.

temptation

One day at a time sweet Jesus.

4

Day 325 – Care to Lose a Stone in 10 Weeks?

I had CBT therapy today and my therapist was very surprised when I told her how much weight I’ve lost so far. I guess it is difficult for someone who sees you regularly to realise that you’ve grown smaller. Either that or I am just huge…and still huge!

I’m energised with my weight loss quest and highly motivated to keep going and get to goal without messing around…too much.

So this year, I have set myself two mini targets to aim for, as well as a revised final target to reach goal weight, all with realistic and achievable timeframes – if I stick to the plan.

No messing.

lets fucking do this

All weights are based on my upstairs weight, wearing my nightie and not the official Cambridge Diet weight downstairs wearing the now tattered clothes I’ve won for every single official weigh-in.

Given that I have never been anywhere near the weight that takes my BMI into a healthy range (63.8kg; 10 stones) there is a chance that I might hit a weight that is more realistic for my body long before then and feel comfortable enough to start maintenance. For example, Dukan Diet, a diet that I have done with some success in the past, has calculated my realistic ideal weight based on my weight history, to be around 74kg; 11 stone 9. I suspect my real ideal weight might be more the Dukan weight than BMI but that’s a decision I would be very happy and extremely lucky to get to.

I am not doing New Year resolutions this year – it’s just a recipe for setting oneself up for failure. Instead, I choose to just get on with things and to try my utmost best to ensure that whatever crap (or joy) is going on in my life does not affect my weight loss journey.

I’ve got to do this one thing for myself. Lose weight.

Mini-Target One – Lose a Stone in 10 Weeks

By any weight-loss programme, losing a stone in 10 weeks is a realistic goal and I will be kicking myself if I don’t make this weight loss target.

If I hit this mini goal, I will be just another stone from my BMI becoming “overweight”. I have not been anywhere near overweight since I was 18 years old.

Starting Weight: 89.6kg; 14 stone 1

Starting Date: Tuesday 5th January, 2016

Goal Weight: 83.2kg; 13 stone 1

Goal Date: Tuesday 15th March, 2016

Total Weight-loss: 6.4 kg; 1 stone

Weeks to Target: 10 weeks

Weekly Weight Loss to Hit Goal: 0.64kg; 1.4lbs

Mini-Target Two – Best Birthday Present Ever: Become Overweight!

Starting Weight: 89.9kg; 14 stone 2

Starting Date: Monday 4th January, 2016

Goal Weight: 76.6kg; 12 stone

Goal Date: Monday 23rd May, 2016 (two weeks after my 43rd birthday)

Total Weight-loss: 13.3kg; 2 stone 1

Weeks to Target: 20 weeks

Weekly Weight Loss to Hit Goal: 0.67kg; 1.5lbs

Goal Weight Target – Hit Healthy BMI and Be Slim by End of Summer!

Starting weight: 90.6kg; 14 stone 3

Starting Date: Sunday 3rd January, 2016

Goal Weight: 63.8kg; 10 stone

Goal Date: Friday 30th September

Total Weight-loss: 26.8kg; 4 stone 3 pounds

Weeks to Target: 38 weeks and 5 days

Weekly Weight Loss to Hit Goal: 0.69kg; 1.5lbs

Would you like to join me in losing 1 stone in 10 weeks?

If so, please drop a comment here or check out the contact page and send me a private email. We can keep each other motivated and more importantly, accountable regardless of what weight loss or healthy regime you are on.

You can visualise what you might look at your idea weight like I have done in this post using Model My Diet.

Good luck to all of us.

Let’s kick some (fat) arse.

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Day 296: Why am I doing this again?

This diary started as a record of yet another weight loss journey.

It has now become much more than just that.

It has become my journey of surviving my annus horribilis with my mental and physical health as in tact as I can muster.

Some days are a struggle but I am certain that one day, the dark entries on this diary will seem like a long forgotten era.

is it over yet

Days like today though, I thoroughly resent the fact that instead of focussing my energy on the million and one things that I ought to be doing to move on with my life, figuring out how to make various impossible changes, my energy, time, money are being wasted because the person who chose to end our marriage has chosen to make the process as impossible as he can muster.

Moving on is impossible when your day and mind is still occupied with unpleasant crap.

dont-confuse-your-path

I have struggled this week to stay on my diet for various reasons.

I am bored with the diet, I want to have more choices but with all the crap going on right now, I can’t really blame the diet. Food may not be leisure but it gives me pleasure. The imp on my shoulder tells me that I’m having a crap few weeks, if eating crap makes me feel a little better, so be it. I know better than that because ultimately, weight gain doesn’t help. I am restless, I am depressed (strong word, I know), I am emotional, I am on my period.

When you have spent all your life crutching on bad food choices when down, it is a cycle that is not easy to break. I will not make excuses for myself.

I take full responsibility for my actions but if breaking the vicious cycle of obesity was an easy feat, there would be no fat person.

the-buck-stops-here1

I needed a reminder of why I am on this weight loss journey.

Fighting talk but I will not stop until I get to an end goal however, the stops and starts make that target seem further and further away.

I can only take it one day at a time; or even one meal at a time.

On 5th January, I wrote a list of reasons why I wanted to lose weight. I revisited those reasons in a  post back in March 2015. Time to revisit those reasons; hopefully they might inspire me to stay on track.

1. Nearly as fat as prior to previous weight loss. [Not anymore. I have lost 5 1/2 stones. Another 3 stones will be truly life changing.]
2. Feel huge, expanded, wide, my clothes can barely fit me. [Not anymore. I now rock jeans. My clothes are loose but imagine how good I will feel if I lose a couple more stones?]
3. Too fat to walk, function, get in and out of bed, in and out of bath. [Those days are well and truly gone!]
4. My beautiful house deserves a beautiful resident. [Give myself a break. I am beautiful fat or slim]
5. My insides must be awful to correspond with the outside. [Easy woman. Note no 4. How about that break?]
6. Spots on face and sore starting on side. [Sore gone. Only occasional stress spots. Tough year!]
7. New chair will feel silly and forced with fat resident. [I now rock that fancy chair.]
8. Slim down, get fit. [Hear hear. Let’s keep doing it. Rome wasn’t built in a day.]
9. Forget sex, can barely move legs. [Most definitely no longer true!]
10. Tray in aircraft, so embarrassing. [That fat moment when your food tray hangs mid air because you are too fat – I’m not that girl any more.]
11. I’m acting like I’ve given up on babies. [Let’s not talk about babies!]
12. I felt hot slimmer. This is ridiculous. [Yep, bring on the H.O.T. me.]
13. Hand -> mouth -> fat [That’s right. Nothing passes this mouth without my say so. You tell yourself that!]

14. Dicing with diabetes. [I have PCOS, diabetes is the next step. Not happening to this chick. No way!]
15. Restricted life. Imagine all I can do on holiday if slim. [Well…so let’s keep going then.]
16. Stupid to be this fat. [Extremely stupid to be fat when I can do something about it. I’m doing it.]
17. Struggled to walk in plane. What’s the alternative, wee in pants as too fat and lacking in confidence to walk in plane? [That fat feeling when you walk in turbulence or worry about fitting into plane’s toilet.]
18. Babies, babies, babies, babies. [Get the memo. Enough of the baby talk!]
19. Get fit, feel better. [I hear you. Let’s keep doing what we’re doing.]
20. Strain on chair max exceeded as of today. [Not anymore. I’m good with that and most chairs]
21. Strain on brand new baths. They will crack. No contest. They really will. [They won’t, not anymore.]
22. Make myself proud again. [Done! I am proud of myself. Note to self: Keep making yourself proud.]
23. Start something, finish it FFS. [I start, I finish. No messing. Fighting talk!]
24. Promise St Thomas doctor. [I told a doctor I would be 40 and slim or 40 and fat from pregnancy. I failed. So what? I can be 43 and nearly slim if I keep to the diet. What’s a few years between friends?]
25. In my 40s, downhill all the way, ill-health in old age. I have time to sort it out now or misery ahead. [Am I trying to depress myself to fuck?! Enough already with the old age!]
26. DH doesn’t deserve a fat wife. [DH who? Please. That ship sunk deeper than the Titanic. I am doing this for me!]

beige room

Chip Away The Fat – One Pound at a Time. Yes I CAN.