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Day 131 Week 19 Weigh in – Some Good News in Crazy Town

My husband and I are now in the process of divorcing.

Life continues to be impossibly unbearable.

Yesterday, sitting at the back of a taxi, coming back from dealing with more crap that seem to consume my life, Rod Stewart’s “I don’t Want to Talk About it” came on the radio. In my previous life, it was a great song to sing along to, with dramatic flair. Yesterday, when the song got to the part that says, “I don’t want to, talk about it, how you broke my heart”, my heart broke into a million more pieces and I found myself sobbing like a baby. The poor taxi driver didn’t know where to look. He didn’t crash the car either. That’s a good thing.

On February 24th, eight days after I started the Cambridge diet, I discovered my husband of 11 years had been having an affair and chatting online on dating websites with countless women, for several years.

I couldn’t control the madness that followed; 10 weeks of him blowing hot or cold, pretending to be working on our marriage while secretly continuing the affair, including secretly finding a flat, 40 miles away from our former home to be near this woman, and finally ending our marriage and 14 year relationship by email from a business trip to Singapore.

My life is a fucking cliché.

One of the numerous books recommended to help me with the snail slow recovery process from my deep devastation, grief and trauma quoted below by Joseph Campbell:

It is by going down the abyss
That we recover the treasures of life
Where you stumble
There lies your treasure.

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I can’t control my impossible life dealing with the divorce from hell, and the incomprehensible and appallingly heartless behaviour that have continued from this complete stranger; this evil serpent that shared my life for 14 years.

What I can control, are my hand to mouth actions.

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I am so proud of myself that in spite of a myriad of health, personal and numerous other problems, my annus horribilis, I have stayed firmly on my diet. I have conquered (and continue to conquer) the life-long habit of using food as an emotional clutch and gaining crazy silly weight whenever I was sad or happy for that matter.

I am back to Step 2 of the Cambridge diet, eating 810 calories after stalling for 10 days on Step 3. Step 2 suits me better because I am so stressed and anxious about life, I have zero appetite and have lost all enjoyment of food. But I am forcing myself to eat and drinking at least 3,600 ml water daily.

I am thrilled to report that in 130 full days, I have lost exactly 25 kg, 55 pounds, 3 stones 13 pounds.

I am 1.3 pounds from losing 4 stones.

OMG.

Week Nineteen’s verdict: today’s weight 99.4 kg, week’s weight loss 2 kg (4.4 pounds); total weight loss; 25 kg ( 55 pounds)

6

Day 70- Darling Buds of…April.

I feel like utter shit today.

That talk with myself was totally pointless. I thought my week couldn’t get any worse; it did. I probably had less than an hour’s sleep last night. I need to sort myself out very soon as things are rapidly getting out of hand. I can’t remember the last time I had a good night sleep. My sleep has really been disturbed since January and the stress of the last 8 weeks and 5 days have been a bitch and a half.

I’ve given up pretending to be strong; I am a complete mess.

This year isn’t just about losing weight, it is also about being healthy. The situation I’ve found myself in has gotten out of hand.

If I go quiet for some days, please don’t think I’ve fallen off the diet wagon, that’s just me sorting my head out and getting some sleep.

I have a bitch of a headache. Nurofen liquid express hasn’t helped. Water hasn’t helped. Coffee hasn’t helped. And I decided a long shower might help…

And there it was…

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A flicker of hope and light in all the darkness. A source of life that has refused to give up and die. A potted plant that I bought from M&S in December. It was only guaranteed to last a month. I have had a previous one die within two weeks.

This little beauty on the bathroom window, is a real fighter. For some reason, it has survived the odds, kept going long after all the flowers had disappeared.

And now buds. And a glorious little flower.

In whatever bleak moments we face, there are joys to be had; we just have to open our eyes, minds and hearts.

In other news, still no sign of my disappeared period. And in case you really wanted to know (not), I have 0.00000% chance of being pregnant with a Cambridge baby.

Better news is some movement on the scale this morning. Long may it continue.