4

Day 342 – A Smile Slays All Kinds of Dragons

I survived court.

On the 15th anniversary of the day we met, my ex and I doggedly ignored each other. No acknowledgement of the other, no hellos, no eye contact, no forced little polite smiles, nothing but pure hatred and enmity.

S.A.D.

My young barrister with her 4 years experience is smart and held her own. My ex’s barrister with over 20 years experience was charming, fair, pragmatic and sensible. Unlike his ridiculous gutter solicitor connected with the sister of the woman he had an affair with, this experienced gentleman might hopefully bring a sensible head to the crap that had previously come from the other side.

I hope that the next hearing at the end of April will bring an end to this nightmare. I can only pray so, but only time will tell but I am resigned that this ends when it ends. If we have to wait for a final trial at the end of the year, so be it.

The judge also pronounced our decree nisi. My barrister had suggested this sensible, pragmatic approach of getting the judge at our FDA to pronounce a divorce nisi while the other side’s solicitor had been busy throwing a hissy fit, writing complaints to the court for the delay in the decree nisi and getting absolutely nowhere.

I did a happy dance immediately I left court because of the decree nisi. I am one pronouncement away from legally disentangling myself from this man.

beyonce-dance-happy-birthday-awesome

I am one step away from deleting his double barrel name from my life forever and ever. Never will I have to spell this name and be reminded of the owner who has hurt me beyond my worst nightmare.

It is very easy to dwell on the negatives of divorce but there are so many things to be grateful for, like having a wonderful supportive loving family. My mum and my sisters had prayed and fasted intensely for proceedings. My mum, a strong Catholic had also booked novena masses for me. I am extremely grateful and I am certain that God had a hand in some of the things that happened yesterday.

I am also extremely grateful for a few close friends who have been a rock and even old friends that have become close friends.

On Tuesday night, a friend I’ve known since secondary school, left her two children and spent the night at mine. On Tuesday night, we prayed together, praying again on Wednesday morning before court. We woke up at 6am on Wednesday to make our way together to court. She would come back home with me after court, for a late lunch before heading back home around 4.30pm.

She had taken a precious holiday from work to support me in court. I am so grateful that she would do that for me. This lady has been through a divorce from hell and has been a rock and a sensible head.

So…imagine my disgust when my arrogant ex asked to leave court because the judge was late for our appointed time and of course my ex is too important to wait for a judge.

I objected.

You’re not that important mister to leave the court we’ve both been summoned to attend, to return to your very important life, while I waited in court with this friend who had taken a day off work because of the mess he’s caused, plus a barrister and solicitor I was paying to stay there.

My ex, like us mere mortals, was forced to wait until our case was called and we had our day in court, as dictated by the court order we had both received.

mr important

But enough of all that. It’s done. More to do in the next couple of months and I will get on with it in due course. I need a long weekend away from divorce crap and I’m taking time off.

I am happy to report that I have been back on my diet since Tuesday. On Tuesday night, I made some sweet potato crisps from scratch for my friend. It was absolutely delicious. So perhaps next time I fancy crisps, instead of shop bought ones, I shall make my own with allowable Cambridge Step Three sweet potatoes or even new potatoes.

I don’t regret the diet coke and crisps angst.

I am not superwoman; it only means that I have not conquered the demons that mean I turn to food when I am overwhelmed by stress but I can’t begin to explain the unbearable stress I have endured the last week but I’m moving on from that and doing the best I can in difficult circumstances.

be gentle to yourself

Oh when I met my young solicitor yesterday (I used to have a partner manage my case day to day but I couldn’t afford her, hence the young lawyer she supervises) her first words in the excitable manner of the young:

“Oh my God. You look so young. Oh my God, I didn’t expect you to look so young. Your face. Your skin.” She had exclaimed.

We laughed and gossiped every time the barrister left the room. In one of our chats, she declared that I must find a boyfriend.

There is joy to be found in every situation we find ourselves.

joy courage

 

7

Day 337 – Sadness Overwhelms Me :-(

I am overwhelmed by profound sadness that in two days’ time, I will find myself in court facing my ex, his gutter solicitor and expensive barrister – exactly 15 years to the day we first met; Saturday, 20th January, 2001.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that 15 years later, this is where we are.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that my ex has spent over £11,000, so far, on legal fees on our divorce but has never for one day stated exactly how he thinks our assets ought to be divided. Nothing. Nada.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that my ex’s behaviour has forced me to spend over £10,000 on legal fees.

Jesus Christ. Over £21,000 wasted on fuck all, is a lot of money by anyone’s standards. If this case goes to a final trial like I expect it would, we would have spent 3 or 4 or 5 times that amount.

For what exactly? Absolutely no progress whatsoever.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that after 15 years, my ex would rather spend silly money on lawyers, force me to do the same, rather than settle our disputes like civilised and intelligent people ought to do.

This man that I loved unconditionally for 14.5 years thinks that this sorry state of affairs is the best way forward. Why?

But things are what they are and I just have to get on with it hopeful that this nightmare will one day end.

My diet has fallen by the wayside in the last few days. If I’m totally honest, I’m not too bothered about it and will not kick myself for doing whatever I need to do to get over the stress and sadness that seek to drown me.

I have never smoked or been much of a drinker; my limit has always been one or two glasses of red wine. Last night, in my sadness and angst, I wished I was a smoker, puffing away on endless sticks of cigarettes and drinking shots after shots of whiskey. Instead, I had diet coke, crisps and toasts. Perhaps not quite the tragic romance of puffing away on cigarettes and drinking whiskey but equally as destructive.

Please don’t write to tell me to stay on my diet, don’t let the bastard derail me, blah blah blah.

I know and I will sort it soon enough.

I won’t stress about the diet. I have other much more important things to stress about.

I absolutely cannot wait to see the end of this week.

I will not stop my diet until I reach goal weight, so will sort it out when my head is able to.

Just please, let me get over this nightmare week.

8

Day 247 – The Cycle of Grief Overwhelms Me

Last Friday, I wrote a very positive post about moving on.

Following that post, I decided to update the About Me section of this blog from the start of this weight loss journey where I wrote about wanting to lose weight for a 9th IVF cycle with “my wonderful husband” and the “love of my life”.

What total bollocks.

How is that love of my life crap working out for me?

Writing that update that doesn’t even list 1% of the incomprehensible cruelty I have faced from this man since he ended our marriage by email and engaged his mistress’ sister’s lawfirm for our divorce, triggered something and since then, I am back to feeling extremely angry with this scumbag.

Shit happens.

Marriages end. That’s fine.

If my husband had ended our marriage but had attempted to do the fair and decent thing by me instead of the incomprehensible and continuing cruelty and unreasonableness from him, I won’t be crying and writing this post.

I am so very angry at this man.

Angry that this scumbag sleeps easy and is happy to leave me with absolutely nothing after loving him, supporting him and helping to build him for over 14 years.

Angry that this spineless, psychopathic, serpent has lost all decency and is completely deluded from what is right or wrong.

Angry that this scumbag could not do the decent thing by someone that stood by him for over 14 years and instead, has chosen to invite these despicable, morally repugnant people he has known for two minutes into our lives; his mistress, her divorce lawyer sister and her law firm, who with his riches, he has on tap 24/7, to dictate what he should or should not be doing with the end of his marriage.

Angry that this scumbag has given this evil woman, not only my home address and the mobile phone number I have had since 1994, and that I had received a call on her behalf spurting her nonsensical crap.

Thanks Mylien for finally confirming your identity with that call.

Angry that he sleeps easily at night happy with his decision to pay £0 to me and towards a house he owns half of, and is demanding that I immediately sell, even though this has been my home for over 11.5 years, I have sunk my life savings into my home and have paid much more than he has.

Angry that this evil man demands evidence of facts he witnessed daily for over 14 years.

Angry that life moves on so easily for him, while I face unfathomable daily difficulties that completely overwhelm me.

Before I get any emails or messages telling me that I should get over the end of my marriage, forget my ex and move on, believe me, no one knows that more than I do.

I am doing my best because I know that anger eats you up.

It is also totally pointless being angry with a stone cold, emotionally dead, heartless scumbag who is busy enjoying his life and his riches and sleeping soundly at night while I stay awake fuming.

I do not want to stay angry with my scumbag ex.

I do not want to lose even a second of thoughts to this evil man or think about him for even a second.

I do not want to lie awake at night worrying about my life and fuming at his cruelty.

I do not want to think of the unfairness of this cruel situation that I have found myself in.

I do not want to cry myself to sleep.

I do not want to have anything negative in my life.

This is what it is and I am working on myself to keep positive and move on with my life as best as I can even though it is impossible to move on when I will not disentangle myself from this scumbag for another year.

Some days like today, the cycle of grief overwhelms me and it all seems so very impossible.

I have to have hope that there will be rainbow after the rainfall.

I have to have hope that there will be laughter and sunshine.

4

Day 229: Week 33 Weigh-In – I Have Not Conquered My Demons

This blog is warts and all, so here goes some warts.

In some of my posts, I have boasted about no longer being that girl who descend on crap food when the shit hits the fan.

I am very sorry to announce that I still haven’t conquered those demons.

OK, I have to give myself some credit for having lost as much weight as I have throughout the sudden and devastating end of my marriage but the psychology of obesity is a lot more complicated than that.

This week has been tough emotionally.

I have been down and there is that feeling of worthlessness.

I won’t pretend that I feel worthless all the time, I see myself as a survivor and I keep fighting.

But the truth is that when you have been basically tossed aside like complete and utter garbage, with no second thoughts, no care at all in the world, by someone who pledged in a church in front of all your friends and family to always love and honour you, the psychological damage does not go away that easily.

If this person during over 14 devoted years, would constantly tell me that he would love me forever, I was his world, he would save my life before his, if this person could treat me as utterly shite as he has and never look back, what chances have I got of anyone else ever thinking that I am worth a second glance?

Am I destined to live alone for the rest of my life with no one ever thinking I am worth taking a punt on?

I’m not pretending that these thoughts play in my mind all the time, they don’t; I love and value myself more than that.

But that’s where I am right now.

This morning, I meant to start the day being 100% on my diet. Instead, I had a late breakfast/brunch of utter crap: a packet of nuts, a packet of crisps and two cans of diet coke, whilst moping around with tears running from my eyes and feeling sorry for myself. I enjoyed the nuts but if I’m honest, I didn’t enjoy the crisps, but I still ate them, and I still finished the packet, all 150g of it.

The day is still very much ahead of me. I may still stuff my face with more crap. I do not know. I cannot promise that I won’t. I may even spend the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself. I do not know. I may continue to tear up as I am doing writing this post, I do not know. I may have a healthy dinner or I may not. I do not know.

One thing that I am certain of though, is that come tomorrow morning, I will be firmly back on that horse.

Come tomorrow, I will be firmly back to my diet and I will back on it 100%.

I will also humbly accept that I am only a work in progress.

I will humbly accept that I have not conquered the demons of depression.

I have not conquered the self destructive habit that means that when I am depressed, I crave foods that will only encourage the cycle of depression; food that destroy and do not help me thrive.

I will humbly accept that I have not conquered the vicious cycle of obesity.

I will not regret today’s fall off the wagon. I will consign it to what it is; a blip. Nothing more, nothing less. I shall not give it more attention than it deserves nor shall I spend the rest of the week regretting it.

I may try and learn from it.

Write in my diary how the crap food did not improve my depressed mood; but that’s nothing new. I knew that it wouldn’t and yet I did it.

But you know what, what’s done is done and now I need to move on.

The same attitude that I have tried to ascribe to the devastation of the end of my marriage. What’s done is done and now I need to move on.

Week Thirty Three’s Verdict: today’s weight 90.1 kg, week’s weight loss 1 kg (2.2 pounds); total weight loss; 34.3 kg; 75.5 pounds; 5 stones 5 pounds

9

Day 204 – I Will Survive

I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

I do not see the light at the end of the craptastic tunnel

One of those nights when I have various versions of my all time favourite survival songs on auto replay…

Desperate times call for desperate measures

And like the songs say…

I am a survivor

I will survive

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Please indulge me with the excessive YouTube Survivor Videos

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to get along

And so you’re back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You’d be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
You think I’d crumble
You think I’d lay down and die

Oh no, not I

I will survive

As long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive
I will survive (hey hey)

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high

And you see me
Somebody new
I’m not that chained up little girl
Who fell in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free
Now I’m saving all my loving
For someone who’s loving me
Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore

Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
You think I’d crumble
You think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive
I will survive (oh)

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
You think I’d crumble
You think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive
I will survive
I will survive… !

8

Day 199: The Impotent Lothario

I have chosen to write what I feel on this blog as self therapy. If certain posts are too raw, please forgive me.

One day, I hope to read this diary and appreciate the journey I’ve been through, both on my weight-loss quest and the betrayal and heartbreak of the devastation of my life as I knew it.

I am not proud to admit that last night, I cried myself to sleep.

I had thought that the crying state of my grief is over especially as I know that the cause of my devastation, my heartless, psychopathic ex would be sleeping peacefully like a baby, just as he did in the last days, as our marriage crumbled, while I laid awake crying.

I was crying at the thoughts that I spent 14.5 years of my very short life, unselfishly and completely loving someone who was a complete waste of my time and underserving of 0.001% of that love.

Someone who would admit that throughout the years he spent smiling with me, he was seeking a way out from our relationship, with more than 12 illicit email addresses that I had found and several online singles dating profiles.

Marriages end, that perfectly fine. This man has not even left me with any memories to treasure; any thoughts of happy times are tainted with the admission that this evil coward was faking it for 14.5 long years.

I wasted my life with a loser that took 14.5 years to find someone else; when my four year old nephew manages to have two or three girlfriends at any one time.

This loser who by his own admission, only managed to sleep with his married mistress, by popping erectile dysfunction tablets Spedra and Ciallis, which I had found all over the house including the three in his former bedside table, like they were going out of fashion while I put up with 14.5 years of very bad or no sex caused by his impotence, and infertility caused by the lack of sex and his very defective sperm.

2015-05-05 09.26.10

This impotent man who suddenly and arrogantly now sees himself as some sort of lothario because some ugly, desperate, 48 year old married slut, gave him the time of the day.

LotharioFamilyPhoto

I do not wish to make fun of something as serious and devastating as impotence or erectile dysfunction, I loving tried my best to help my ex even though he refused to seek help for this problem. I lovingly and sensitively dealt with these problems, choosing to accept them and to focus on parts of our marriage that I thought worked after all, no marriage is perfect.

But please, don’t swagger and act like some fucking hot Romeo with women falling all over you and fighting over you, when you are anything but. Please.

impotent

If I thought this morning would bring me any good news or allow me the time for the countless tasks that I ought to be doing, in order to attempt to rebuild my shattered life, I was grossly mistaken.

Instead, I have spent all day dealing with more crap, lies and upset from my ex and moping around crying.

The reality is that I can say hands on heart that I do not deserve the wickedness of this evil monster. He and I knew all that went down in our marriage; how he can look at himself in the mirror or sleep at night, I cannot begin to imagine.

Only a psychopath who has completely detached himself from reality will continue to behave like this despicable, wicked, little man.

I remain grateful that the me that would have drowned the sadness and upset of the last week in greasy food is gone forever.

Not this time.

Not ever.

9

Day 138: Week 20 Weigh-in – Kayaking Anyone?

I have had a very tough week.

I have had days this week when the grief of the loss of what I thought was a loving, decent husband and a best friend had become so unbearable that I found myself crying inconsolably.

It is OK to feel sad and to grieve as I deem fit.

The loss and heartbreak are compounded by the continued inexplicable behaviour of my ex. He wants a divorce and I can’t wait to be divorced from him. The easiest, quickest, cheapest, least emotionally draining way of doing so and both of us moving on with our lives, is for both of us to sit down or speak, and as much as possible, sort out how to divide our assets and finances, using lawyers and mediators to finalise things. My ex for some reasons best known to him, refuses to talk or meet with me, and insists on making my life as unbearable as possible.

He left. So why the anger and venom towards me?

That is a rhetorical question. I have given up trying to figure out why he does what he does or what the hell goes on in his head.

Yesterday, in my immense sadness, I managed to depress myself to fuck by succumbing to the totally pointless exercise of reading old texts and messages between my soon to be ex-husband and I. They revealed that like most marriages, there were ups and downs but the loving messages far outweighed the crappy ones. Even after I had discovered his affair, he was still writing that he loved me. I shall not torture myself with anything that pointless ever again.

I am physically and emotionally drained but…if you think this post is all doom and gloom, think again.

Today, my wonderful friend and Cambridge consultant Mandy was pumping her fist in the air like a tennis player who’s just won a crucial point. I was dancing like Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Yep, showing my age there.

I am utterly thrilled to report that I have today lost Four Stones and 1 1/2 pounds. In other language; 26.1 kg; 57.4 pounds.

This diet has probably saved my life because fuck knows that if since February, I had resorted to my pre-Cambridge way of grieving; eating chocolates in bed while crying and listening to sad love songs, followed by stuffing myself full of carbs and takeaways, by now, I would have been so fat that I would have needed someone washing me and a crane to get me in and out of my home.

I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason, even though being human, I cannot pretend to understand some of the stuff that have happened to me this year. But there must be a reason that after years of thinking about the Cambridge diet, this year of all years, I finally started this diet and have stuck to it through all the horrendous crap.

I thank all of you reading this, those that continue to get in touch and to follow my quest to lose weight. Thank you.

Week Twenty’s verdict: today’s weight 98.3 kg, week’s weight loss 1.1 kg (2.4 pounds); total weight loss; 26.1 kg ( 57.4 pounds)

57

4

Day 131 Week 19 Weigh in – Some Good News in Crazy Town

My husband and I are now in the process of divorcing.

Life continues to be impossibly unbearable.

Yesterday, sitting at the back of a taxi, coming back from dealing with more crap that seem to consume my life, Rod Stewart’s “I don’t Want to Talk About it” came on the radio. In my previous life, it was a great song to sing along to, with dramatic flair. Yesterday, when the song got to the part that says, “I don’t want to, talk about it, how you broke my heart”, my heart broke into a million more pieces and I found myself sobbing like a baby. The poor taxi driver didn’t know where to look. He didn’t crash the car either. That’s a good thing.

On February 24th, eight days after I started the Cambridge diet, I discovered my husband of 11 years had been having an affair and chatting online on dating websites with countless women, for several years.

I couldn’t control the madness that followed; 10 weeks of him blowing hot or cold, pretending to be working on our marriage while secretly continuing the affair, including secretly finding a flat, 40 miles away from our former home to be near this woman, and finally ending our marriage and 14 year relationship by email from a business trip to Singapore.

My life is a fucking cliché.

One of the numerous books recommended to help me with the snail slow recovery process from my deep devastation, grief and trauma quoted below by Joseph Campbell:

It is by going down the abyss
That we recover the treasures of life
Where you stumble
There lies your treasure.

It-is-by-going-down-into-the-abyss-that-we-recover-the-treasures-of-life

I can’t control my impossible life dealing with the divorce from hell, and the incomprehensible and appallingly heartless behaviour that have continued from this complete stranger; this evil serpent that shared my life for 14 years.

What I can control, are my hand to mouth actions.

from-hand-to-mouth-pavlobaron-1-728

I am so proud of myself that in spite of a myriad of health, personal and numerous other problems, my annus horribilis, I have stayed firmly on my diet. I have conquered (and continue to conquer) the life-long habit of using food as an emotional clutch and gaining crazy silly weight whenever I was sad or happy for that matter.

I am back to Step 2 of the Cambridge diet, eating 810 calories after stalling for 10 days on Step 3. Step 2 suits me better because I am so stressed and anxious about life, I have zero appetite and have lost all enjoyment of food. But I am forcing myself to eat and drinking at least 3,600 ml water daily.

I am thrilled to report that in 130 full days, I have lost exactly 25 kg, 55 pounds, 3 stones 13 pounds.

I am 1.3 pounds from losing 4 stones.

OMG.

Week Nineteen’s verdict: today’s weight 99.4 kg, week’s weight loss 2 kg (4.4 pounds); total weight loss; 25 kg ( 55 pounds)

7

Day 117 Weigh-in – Sorry for the Long Silence…

I haven’t died…yet.

I haven’t fallen off the diet wagon…not going to happen.

I am still on Step 3, eating 1000 calories a day, plus drinking at 3.6 litres of water.

I am still 100% on the diet…hell yes.

If it takes me a long while to update this diary again, please don’t give up on me. Instead, please send some positive energy my way. If you’re spiritual, please say a little prayer for me.

I have been quiet because real life (pre-divorce crap) has made me very ill. It has completely overwhelmed me and I am not doing well at all.

I am trying my best not to completely drown in a sea of totally incomprehensible and inexplicable hatred, stone-heartedness, bitterness, aggression, arrogance and wickedness coming from the other side. I’m constantly dodging bullets in what can only be described as psychological warfare.

Screw bullets, I’m constantly dodging persistent nuclear attacks.

nuclear attack

There is only so much the human head, heart and body can cope with and I reached my limits long ago but the incomprehensible attacks keep coming.

I dare anyone, no matter how strong they think that they are, to walk in my shoes, deal with the level of continuing vicious crap, betrayals and heartbreaks that I continue to contend with and to survive the last four months without physical and psychological damage.

My days are filled with crap, crap and more crap.

It’s not all doom and gloom. I have the help of a wonderful family and a few good friends. I have a good lawyer. I have medical help in the form of medication and CBT therapy but it will take some time to figure out the right combination of things that will help.

I have now lost count of the last time I had a good night sleep. Things on the sleep front are extremely bad indeed.

I thank all you kind souls who have written to ask how I am. I also thank those of you who keep visiting this blog to check for news even though there’s been nothing for a couple of weeks.

thank you

The kindness of strangers will continue to restore my shattered fate in humanity and decency.

stranger

It doesn’t matter that my life has gone to utter shite.

It doesn’t matter that my watch has been stuck on crazy o’clock since Tuesday 24th February, 2015.

All that matters is that I am still chipping away the fat.

I am still sticking to my diet against unbelievable odds. I am still losing weight and therefore, it’s all good in the hood.

In 16 weeks and four days on the Cambridge Weight Plan, the marriage breakdown from hell, psychological warfare, nuclear attacks, nightmare separation/divorce, depression, severe insomnia, severe stress, anxiety, recurring whiplash, excruciating back pain, days so dark I mope and cry, the shattering of my life and trust, hospitals, clinics, pills, lawyers, insurmountable challenges to deal with changes in every aspect of my life as I knew it, challenges to the way I have to survive and live my life….

In the middle of all that crap, I am still chipping away the fat.

I have now lost…

Wait for it…

Are you ready…

You sure?

Awight then.

In 116 full days on the Cambridge diet, I’ve lost just over…

51 pounds; 23.3 kg; 3 stones and 9 pounds!

Week Seventeen’s verdict: today’s weight 101.1kg, week’s weight loss 2 kg (4.4 pounds); total weight loss; 23.3 kg ( 51.3 pounds)

51

OMFG.

I’m beginning to look hot again…well if I can just photoshop the massive bags under my eyes from lack of sleep, the permanent stress brows, the dejected look of heartbreak, depression and stress…

Fuck all that…I look HOT.

Next mini target is to get under 100 kg. I’ll scream the day I see 99.9 kg on that scale. The mini target after that is to hit the four stones loss.

I am 5 pounds away from losing four stones.

OMG

Go me.

GIVE-YOURSELF-A-HUG

5

100% on the Cambridge Diet for 100 Days – Shame the Rest of my Life Have Imploded…

The heading is a giveaway. Today is Day 100. This diet has probably saved my life.

Things have gone drastically wrong in my life and with my mental health. The continued betrayals, insensitivities, constant provocations and lack of sleep reached a tipping point over the long weekend and flipped a switch. It’s all been downright scary but I have been under extraordinary stress since 24th February. There is only so much the human body can take and I’ve reached the end of my endurance.

I spent most of the long weekend crying my eyes out. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.

I expect that there will be life after divorce but I will need to be alive and with my physical and mental health intact to have any sort of quality of life, so I need to concentrate on sorting myself out.

Lots of thing have happened in the last few days. The constant stream of unending betrayals and insensitivities have become completely unbearable and much more than I can cope with.

I’ve accepted that I needed help to cope with it all. That admission is hopefully the first step.

I’ve been told by someone who knows best that continuing to record my days on this blog will help me with the healing process. I don’t know how it will help but I will do whatever it takes to get my health back on track.

In the meantime, I’ve been put on some medication to help things along.

I don’t believe in filling my body with chemicals but I must do whatever helps me cope better with this impossible time. Here is hoping that these happy little pills and sleeping pills will do the trick from tonight…If they don’t work, they’ll be reviewed on Thursday.

Joy o Joy.

20150526_191208