4

Day 158 – Loving Me Now And Always

I want to move on with my life; I really do.

I do not wish to be consumed by anger; I really don’t.

I’ve had a tough couple of weeks.

I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I do not know how to start re-building my shattered life.

I do not know how I could have a full and fulfilling life with my specific limitations which I cannot explain right now.

I do not know how to find that joy of life; that joie de vivre.

Yesterday, I sobbed throughout therapy.

I asked my therapist why I am back to feeling like complete and utter shite.

Why am I am back to being utterly depressed and so angry with my spouse after my empathy phase?

Shouldn’t things be getting better instead of finding myself several times in the last week sobbing my eyes out?

She said the cycle of grief repeats itself.

The fact that I had an angry phase doesn’t mean that I was done with anger. I should give myself time. I will have bad days and good days and with time, the good days will be more than the bad days.

She will look into extending our therapy sessions.

I suspect I will be in the therapy for a very long time but there’s no shame in seeking help.

Yesterday, I showed my therapist the romantic handwritten Valentine’s day card my husband had given me 10 days before I found out about his affair.

His handwritten note talked about loving me now and always.

That Valentine’s morning, he had come home after 2 am, blaming his busy workload. I would later find taxi receipts showing he had paid £50 to come back that early morning from his mistress’ house.

2015-03-27 13.35.29 20150510_120303

My therapist declared that no one seeing that card would guess that I had anything other than a loving marriage.

She said that would explain the shock of the breakdown of my marriage. 

Today is another bad day.

I am consumed with anger for my spouse.

I am angry with him for thinking that it is perfectly OK to be as wicked and thoughtless as he has been to me since he ended our marriage by email.

I am angry with him for shunning all financial responsibilities towards me and abdicating all responsibilities and decency.

I am angry with him for making me feel certain that the 14 years I spent loving him mean absolutely nothing to him.

I am angry with him for being so pathetically weak, he is swayed by others and cannot decide for himself what is right and wrong.

I am angry with him for thinking that as long as I am not in “penury” – the standard by which he has chosen to judge my circumstances, after 14 years, it is perfectly OK for him to keep his extremely high salary all to himself and pay £0 to me and towards the maintenance of a house he claims to own half of.

I am angry with him for whatever reasons best known to him, making this transition as difficult as possible.

I am angry with him for thinking it is OK for him to continue to enjoy the standard of living we once had but for me to have to watch every penny I spend.

I am angry with him for making me swallow the unfairness of his actions because, right now, I am not prepared to squander savings that will help me in the future fighting him incomprehensible and unreasonable actions in the courts, in the interim.

I am angry with him for making a vow to me in church, for better for worse and thinking that he can predict the future and bail now because he wants a different future for himself that he reckons will be all rosy. Karma is a bitch.

I am angry with him for being so pathetically petty, that a man who has a very senior banking job and earns a hell of a lot of money thinks that it’s perfectly OK to delete my profile from Netflix (£5.99 a month) and cancel a pre-paid subscription of Spotify paid up until mid November (otherwise £9.99 a month) at a time he’s paying me £0.

I am angry at him for not being a man of his word; for not being a man at all.

I am angry at him for spending 14 years looking for a way out of our relationship, while being an evil serpent, lying with me, lying to me, and professing his love on a daily basis.

I am angry with him for breaking the contract of our marriage and thinking it is perfectly OK to change the rules of the game, in the middle of the game.

I am angry with him for stealing my youth, stealing my best reproductive years and yet, thinking he owes me absolutely nothing.

I am extremely angry at my spouse for being the biggest disappointment of my entire life bar none.

In other news, the weight loss has stalled the last couple of weeks. I am doing my best to kickstart things. This weight loss is my biggest achievement this year. It is my anchor. I desperately need it to continue.

Please God. Please whatever is good in the universe.

7

Day 117 Weigh-in – Sorry for the Long Silence…

I haven’t died…yet.

I haven’t fallen off the diet wagon…not going to happen.

I am still on Step 3, eating 1000 calories a day, plus drinking at 3.6 litres of water.

I am still 100% on the diet…hell yes.

If it takes me a long while to update this diary again, please don’t give up on me. Instead, please send some positive energy my way. If you’re spiritual, please say a little prayer for me.

I have been quiet because real life (pre-divorce crap) has made me very ill. It has completely overwhelmed me and I am not doing well at all.

I am trying my best not to completely drown in a sea of totally incomprehensible and inexplicable hatred, stone-heartedness, bitterness, aggression, arrogance and wickedness coming from the other side. I’m constantly dodging bullets in what can only be described as psychological warfare.

Screw bullets, I’m constantly dodging persistent nuclear attacks.

nuclear attack

There is only so much the human head, heart and body can cope with and I reached my limits long ago but the incomprehensible attacks keep coming.

I dare anyone, no matter how strong they think that they are, to walk in my shoes, deal with the level of continuing vicious crap, betrayals and heartbreaks that I continue to contend with and to survive the last four months without physical and psychological damage.

My days are filled with crap, crap and more crap.

It’s not all doom and gloom. I have the help of a wonderful family and a few good friends. I have a good lawyer. I have medical help in the form of medication and CBT therapy but it will take some time to figure out the right combination of things that will help.

I have now lost count of the last time I had a good night sleep. Things on the sleep front are extremely bad indeed.

I thank all you kind souls who have written to ask how I am. I also thank those of you who keep visiting this blog to check for news even though there’s been nothing for a couple of weeks.

thank you

The kindness of strangers will continue to restore my shattered fate in humanity and decency.

stranger

It doesn’t matter that my life has gone to utter shite.

It doesn’t matter that my watch has been stuck on crazy o’clock since Tuesday 24th February, 2015.

All that matters is that I am still chipping away the fat.

I am still sticking to my diet against unbelievable odds. I am still losing weight and therefore, it’s all good in the hood.

In 16 weeks and four days on the Cambridge Weight Plan, the marriage breakdown from hell, psychological warfare, nuclear attacks, nightmare separation/divorce, depression, severe insomnia, severe stress, anxiety, recurring whiplash, excruciating back pain, days so dark I mope and cry, the shattering of my life and trust, hospitals, clinics, pills, lawyers, insurmountable challenges to deal with changes in every aspect of my life as I knew it, challenges to the way I have to survive and live my life….

In the middle of all that crap, I am still chipping away the fat.

I have now lost…

Wait for it…

Are you ready…

You sure?

Awight then.

In 116 full days on the Cambridge diet, I’ve lost just over…

51 pounds; 23.3 kg; 3 stones and 9 pounds!

Week Seventeen’s verdict: today’s weight 101.1kg, week’s weight loss 2 kg (4.4 pounds); total weight loss; 23.3 kg ( 51.3 pounds)

51

OMFG.

I’m beginning to look hot again…well if I can just photoshop the massive bags under my eyes from lack of sleep, the permanent stress brows, the dejected look of heartbreak, depression and stress…

Fuck all that…I look HOT.

Next mini target is to get under 100 kg. I’ll scream the day I see 99.9 kg on that scale. The mini target after that is to hit the four stones loss.

I am 5 pounds away from losing four stones.

OMG

Go me.

GIVE-YOURSELF-A-HUG