Day 323 -Please May I Rant?

I had a fantastic relaxed Christmas with my sister and kids who showered me with love, presents and kindness. My beautiful, intelligent, kind generous niece calls her savings her “college funds”. Smart girl. She chose to spend those buying me endless presents.

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She now has a piggy box that is in the form of an ATM machine, complete with cash card with PIN for cash withdrawal. She sent me a WhatsApp message calling it “the coolest thing ever.”

I concur.


Even after Christmas, the generosity and love of my family continued including a most welcome and unexpected gift from my sweet sister who lives in the States and gifts from cousins who visited from Manchester.

I am truly blessed.

I had a very difficult New Year’s eve sobbing my eyes out and thinking of happier years but I am only human and blips are to be expected. In the midst of my sadness, my little sister called me at the stroke of midnight, a call that she will never fully understand how much it meant.

But I’m actually in a good place right now.

I am resigned that there are tough days ahead of me this year with my ex, court appearances and all sorts but I am also accepting that whatever the future holds, I will be totally fine.

I truly believe that whatever happens in my life has been pre-ordained by God. I may never understand his reasons for shit happening but I keep the faith that I will bounce back and I will be fine.

All sounding good, right?

Well…forgive me while I rant.

You may bypass my rant and scroll to the end of this post for news on my weight loss journey!


I am rattled by someone who knows my ex having heard our marriage has ended telling me that he is “obviously having a serious mental breakdown.”

Two weeks ago, one of his friends said exactly the same to me.

Today’s comments rattled me because of the matter of fact way it was delivered barely disguising the judgment that my wifely duty would be to stand by your man through thin and thick.

That boat sailed in June when my ex filed for divorce.

joan mad men

It took some time to explain that I did stand by my ex and I wasn’t the one that ended our marriage or filed for divorce.

For months, I accepted the mid life crisis/mental breakdown and gave my ex the benefit of the doubt to seek help when he himself accepted his erratic behaviour and claimed to be getting therapy.

I stood by my ex with all the lies, deceit and craziness until he wrote below in an email from a business trip Singapore ending out marriage and categorically telling me he wasn’t ill.

“Despite what you might think, I am not chasing shadows or a fantasy life or being controlled nor am I ill. If that’s how you want to rationalise what’s happening then ok but it’s not the reality. Nor is it about Lilly Wong. [The fake name he used for his mistress Mylien in the mistaken belief I didn’t know her identity while he told her everything about me including my home address and mobile phone number.] It is my decision alone. There is no one pushing me other than myself. I want to forge a new path alone.” 

When I mentioned this email, both told me that of course he would say that as he clearly doesn’t realise he’s mentally ill.

But what would you have me do? We only communicate through lawyers. They had no responses.

I wasn’t the one that wrote that email from Singapore ending our marriage and 14.5 years relationship.

I wasn’t the one that chose our 11th wedding anniversary to get lawyers to send an email asking for divorce.

I wasn’t the one that filed for divorce using the law firm of the sister of the woman he had an affair with.

I wasn’t the one that reneged on a pledge to continue financial support and instead pay £0.

I wasn’t the one that ended a mediation process that could have resulted in an amicable settlement.

I wasn’t the one that has refused an offer for settlement, refused to make a counter offer for settlement and instead, added insult to injury by asking for proof of patently obvious physical health issues witnessed first hand for over 14 years and given as part of the reasons for ending the marriage.

When I mentioned that last bit this afternoon, the response was a shocked he asked for proof of what? Followed by surely that’s clear proof that he is mentally ill? Surely, by asking for proof of something so obvious, his lawyers should realise their client is ill and therefore not write such a stupid letter?

I swallowed my irritation and patiently explained that the lawyers are not there to examine my ex’s mental health if he appears for all intents and purposes sane enough to give them instructions.

Their primary aim is to bill matters and make money for their firm.

Before you tell me to stand by your man, I wasn’t the one that ended my marriage, secretly moving 5 minutes away to live near a married woman, having sworn several times on their own mother’s life that the affair had ended.

But I am the one that in just over two weeks, will find myself in a court of law because after 14.5 years, my ex cannot do the sensible and commercial thing of settling our finances outside of court; where the only real winners will be lawyers and their legal fees.

I am the one who spent several days just before Christmas looking at 100s of pages of court mandated documents of my ex’s 12 months bank statements and credit cards statements clearly documenting his infidelity.

Proof of dining and wining another woman on two occasions the week before Christmas 2014 when he had told me he had work dinners and Christmas parties.

Proof of wining, dining, buying expensive gifts, flowers, jewellery for another woman including an expensive celebratory dinner on the day he filed for divorce.

Proof of his adultery continuing at the times he was swearing on his mother’s life or telling his own mother and only sibling the affair had ended.

Proof of my ex spending £291 in July on erectile dysfunction pills with his mistress.

I wouldn’t wish those documents on any woman but they are what they are and I’ve dealt with them and I’ve moved on.

But please don’t give me that stand by your man crap because I can sleep easy at night knowing hand on heart, I did absolutely everything to stand by this man and the sanctity of my marriage.

If my ex one day tells me that all his actions have been as a result of mental illness, I shall encourage treatment, ensure he has support to get all the help in the world and I shall wish him well for his future.

But please don’t you dare imply that I should still be standing by someone who has filed for divorce and has made it crystal clear that he stands by his actions as despicable as they are and that he is not mentally ill.


In other news, in 8 days over Christmas, I gained an eye popping 9kg!

The good news is that in 7 days since I restarted my diet on 28th December, I have lost exactly…9kg.

what the hell

I am resolved to stay on my diet and for the first time in my life, start a diet and get to the end of it.

I must not allow the stresses of the coming days and weeks to derail me from my weight loss goals.

I desperately need to do this for myself.

I ought to do this for myself.

I shall do this for myself.


Day 199: The Impotent Lothario

I have chosen to write what I feel on this blog as self therapy. If certain posts are too raw, please forgive me.

One day, I hope to read this diary and appreciate the journey I’ve been through, both on my weight-loss quest and the betrayal and heartbreak of the devastation of my life as I knew it.

I am not proud to admit that last night, I cried myself to sleep.

I had thought that the crying state of my grief is over especially as I know that the cause of my devastation, my heartless, psychopathic ex would be sleeping peacefully like a baby, just as he did in the last days, as our marriage crumbled, while I laid awake crying.

I was crying at the thoughts that I spent 14.5 years of my very short life, unselfishly and completely loving someone who was a complete waste of my time and underserving of 0.001% of that love.

Someone who would admit that throughout the years he spent smiling with me, he was seeking a way out from our relationship, with more than 12 illicit email addresses that I had found and several online singles dating profiles.

Marriages end, that perfectly fine. This man has not even left me with any memories to treasure; any thoughts of happy times are tainted with the admission that this evil coward was faking it for 14.5 long years.

I wasted my life with a loser that took 14.5 years to find someone else; when my four year old nephew manages to have two or three girlfriends at any one time.

This loser who by his own admission, only managed to sleep with his married mistress, by popping erectile dysfunction tablets Spedra and Ciallis, which I had found all over the house including the three in his former bedside table, like they were going out of fashion while I put up with 14.5 years of very bad or no sex caused by his impotence, and infertility caused by the lack of sex and his very defective sperm.

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This impotent man who suddenly and arrogantly now sees himself as some sort of lothario because some ugly, desperate, 48 year old married slut, gave him the time of the day.


I do not wish to make fun of something as serious and devastating as impotence or erectile dysfunction, I loving tried my best to help my ex even though he refused to seek help for this problem. I lovingly and sensitively dealt with these problems, choosing to accept them and to focus on parts of our marriage that I thought worked after all, no marriage is perfect.

But please, don’t swagger and act like some fucking hot Romeo with women falling all over you and fighting over you, when you are anything but. Please.


If I thought this morning would bring me any good news or allow me the time for the countless tasks that I ought to be doing, in order to attempt to rebuild my shattered life, I was grossly mistaken.

Instead, I have spent all day dealing with more crap, lies and upset from my ex and moping around crying.

The reality is that I can say hands on heart that I do not deserve the wickedness of this evil monster. He and I knew all that went down in our marriage; how he can look at himself in the mirror or sleep at night, I cannot begin to imagine.

Only a psychopath who has completely detached himself from reality will continue to behave like this despicable, wicked, little man.

I remain grateful that the me that would have drowned the sadness and upset of the last week in greasy food is gone forever.

Not this time.

Not ever.