4

Day 737 – Men Who Kill Their Wives

I haven’t written in a while.

I’m not entirely sure why.

Perhaps because I haven’t felt the need to lay bare all my innermost thoughts.

Perhaps because life has just been ticking on.

I don’t know why.

Today however, I feel compelled to write by the news that the partner of the writer Helen Bailey has been found guilty of her murder. This news has shocked me to the core and it is so very sad that this lady, who thought she had found her happy ending, after the 2011 death of her husband while they were on holiday in Barbados, will be so tragically killed by the widower she had met through her grief, for what seems to be for financial gain.

I read Helen’s story thinking, there but for the grace of God go I…

there-goes-i

Last week, I finally watched a TV drama I had recorded last year, called the Secret.

This is based on the true story of the deeply religious Irish dentist, Colin Howell, who in 1991, together with the married woman he was having an affair with, Hazel Stewart, another church member, conspired to kill both of their spouses, his wife Lesley, and mother of his four children, including a nine month old baby, and Trevor, the father of his lover’s two children, a boy and a girl.

They believed killing their spouses would allow them to live happily ever after.

They were wrong.

Colin and Hazel literally got away with murder as the police and coroners bought into their faked joint suicides for their spouses. Their sordid affair lasted a couple more years, before being ended by his lover. Such was her guilt after the deaths, that they would even have consensual sex with her gassed on his dentist’s chair, so that he could have his way with her, without her being consumed with guilt.

10 years after the murders, this dentist, confessed to his second wife, a mother of two, with whom he went on to have five more children, about the murders. She chose to keep quiet and went on to have four more children with this murderer, to add to the one child they had together at the time.

Nearly 20 years after the murders, Colin voluntarily confessed to the police after believing that God was punishing him following the death of his first son Matt, and being swindled out of around £350,000. He had previously had “signs” that had convinced him that God had forgiven him for the murders.

He had admitted being haunted by his wife calling the name of 5 year old Matt as he strangled her.

He also voluntarily confessed to sexually assaulting several patients while they were under anaesthetics.

He was sentenced to 21 years in prison after pleading guilty to the murders.

But for his confessions, these murders would never have been discovered.

His lover Hazel who pleaded not guilty, was later found guilty of both murders and sentenced to 18 years.

His second wife who had chosen to keep quiet about her murderous husband, escaped prosecution. She moved back to the US, where she was originally from.

Some men kill.

Some men kill their wives. 

Women kill too.

And while I admit that this post might seem like possibly the biggest admission that I have made in this blog, I firmly believe that I could easily have joined the statistics of the many women (and men) who have been killed by their supposedly loving spouses or partners, who found the idea of murder, more palatable than divorce or merely ending a relationship.

As my marriage disintegrated in 2015, my ex husband would make countless comments about killing me.

I was distressed by these comments and he would say he was merely “joking”.

He said on three occasions that it was a shame I was on a diet as he was no longer cooking for me and therefore, could not poison me.

At the last minute, he changed travel plans on our last holiday over Easter 2015 to Milan, supposedly to work on our marriage when unbeknown to me, he was sending his lover £70 flowers and expensive chocolates. He chose to drive to the airport, instead of taking a taxi, and when I queried why, given as we would always take taxis to airports, he referred to a story about a man who had killed his wife by carefully crashing their car, having removed her seatbelt, just beforehand. He insisted he was joking.

His several “jokes” about killing me and how my death would be easier than divorce, were such that before travelling to Milan, I had written a long email to my sister referencing all his comments and the dates they were made, and giving her our travel details, something I had never done before. I wrote that if anything happened to me in Milan, she should hand my email over to the police.

I had felt very unsafe with this man and I was resolved, like I said in that email, that after Milan, I would have to decide whether my marriage was worth saving given all the “jokes” about my death.

The seriousness of my email to my sister was such that she expected me to be checking in with my family frequently, during that trip. On one occasion when she hadn’t heard from me for a few hours, because I was out and about and didn’t have internet or whatsapp access, she had been worried enough to have rung my hotel several times, leaving messages for me to make urgent contact, as well as shared her concerns with another sister.

In Milan, my ex husband would “joke” about pushing me from the top of the Duomo Cathedral. He refused to climb to the top on his own, when I was unable to explore with him which was unusual as he wouldn’t normally object to exploring on his own.

Perhaps more telling was the one night in Milan, when I was violently sick all night, throwing up and with serious diarrhoea, while my ex husband slept very peacefully beside me. This happened the only time I had eaten or drunk anything bought solely by my ex in my absence. That night, he had brought some latte back to the hotel for both of us and yet, I was the only one who had been so violently ill.

I have no doubt whatsoever that my ex had tried to poison me on that day.

As our marriage crumbled during that holiday, my ex insisted on taking me out shopping, going from street to street, all very carefully mapped out by him.

It was a most bizarre day when he insisted on buying anything I as much as looked at. Several handbags including an expensive Prada bag, several sandals and shoes including Jimmy Choo shoes, expensive Jo Malone perfumes, expensive Acqua di Parma toiletries and all sorts of unneeded vulgar spending.

I have no doubt whatsoever as I took photos of the ridiculous shopping bags through my tears, that these were my ex’s defence of how could I have killed my wife? I love my wife. Can’t you see all the things that I bought her?

Four days after our return from Milan, on a Sunday, my ex insisted that Sunday morning on visiting the seaside, instead of a hike he had planned. He “joked” several times about pushing me from the pier into the sea to drown given that I can’t really swim.

After he left our former home, I would find a knife inside my ex husband’s drawer on his side of the beside table, of the bed we slept together.

When I asked him what a knife was doing inside his bedside table, and sent him a picture of the knife, he lied and insisted that he had never had a knife in the drawer that he used exclusively at the time.

This is a long post with all sorts of serious comments but my aim isn’t to depress myself and all my readers.

I describe my ex husband as “evil”. That ugly word is not a word I use lightly.

I do not believe that this man has always been “evil”.

I still believe that he went through and might still be going through, some sort of mental breakdown.

But the person who I strongly believed wanted to kill me and who did all the heartbreaking things during our divorce is an “evil” man capable of anything, including cold blooded murder.

I am not without blame as I should have gotten him out of my life the very first time he “joked” about killing me, let alone the countless references and the seemingly well thought out scenariors he painted, as to how he might have killed me.

I should have reported his comments immediately to the police.

I should have immediately gone to the police and been tested on return to the UK or even in Milan, on the night I firmly believe he tried to poison me.

But to be fair to myself, at the time, I was not aware of the lengths this man could go through, or just how evil, he truly is/was.

When I read these stories of men and women, who haven’t survived being murdered by their nearest, closest and most trusted spouses, I thank God that I came out of my marriage with my life.

I thank God that my mum and siblings do not have to spend their lives mourning me and wondering whether my death was really an accident, as described, or murder.

I thank God for the gift of life.

May Helen and all the men and women like her, murdered by their spouses and partners, rest in perfect peace.

This is still a diet blog, and as such, I should really write about my diet.

This year has been full of ups and downs on the diet front but right now, I am on it. I’m not stressing about the fact that I wasn’t on it last week.

I fail, I restart and I keep going.

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4

Day 610 – From the mouth of babes…Instagram It.

Please join me on Instagram and please share the link with anyone who might be interested in healthy lunch or dinner ideas.

I only post pictures of meals I cook, which are all healthy, low carb, low calorie meals suitable for most diets including Step 2 Cambridge, Dukan, Atkins, Ketogenic diets, clean eating, low carbing etc.

https://www.instagram.com/belleslowcarbworld/

instagram-join-me

Yesterday, I spent nearly 5 hours in the company of two delightful boys, one is 7 and the other is 5.

We baked shortbread biscuits and a two layered vanilla birthday cake, with buttercup frosting, complete with birthday messages and candles, after which we invited their parents and 5 month old brother to join our little tea party.

I did not even have a teeny weeny piece of cake.

This is a first.

Ever.

There is hope for me yet.

birthday-cake

At one point, the 5 year old declared that I was his best “Belle.” His mum tells me this is the height of his compliments.

At another point, he said:

“Mummy said you’re separated from your husband and you are no longer friends. You have two new friends, X and Y.” He proclaimed, naming his brother and himself.

That comment nearly moved me to tears. I gave both of them a high five, a kiss and a cuddle.

He also declared that I had the nicest kitchen in the whole wide world.

mouth-of-babes

Isn’t it just amazing how kids can make everything seem so easy and uncomplicated?

not-complicated

Since the last time that I wrote, the transfer of equity of my beautiful home into my sole name has completed. I looked at the title deed with my full name on it, with tears of joy, so much pride and immense gratitude that I have come out of my nightmare with a clean break and with my home as mine.

Just over a week ago, I finally deleted my ex ‘s phone numbers and that of his mum and sister from my contact list. The time was right and it felt good to have that firm closure.

But…things are not completely over.

My ex is still continuing with his ridiculous and crazy stance of taking me to court to fight over a previously jointly used mac computer which is over three years old and which I have been using alone since he left in April 2015.

The fact that this man is going ahead with this utterly ridiculous case tells me that his madness has not waned. His ludicrous barrister, with over 20 years experience, had demanded half a day of a busy Central London court, the busiest family court in the country, to talk shit about this computer.

The court has allocated 5 minutes instead of the demanded half a day.

Oh and for this laughable case, we are both required to prepare like a real case, exchange witness statements, evidence and all sorts.

I have been told to be prepared to be totally lambasted by an angry judge for this stupid matter coming to court but so be it. 

I look forward to a fun trip to Central London after which I will meet a friend for dinner and have a laugh.

crazy

In other news, I am still doing well in my diet.

I am also using my gym and in the last couple of weeks, have decided to weigh once a week instead of my previous obsession of weighing two or three times daily.

4

Day 515 – The Lord is My Shepherd, I Shall Not Want

As I approach a second court hearing in my financial remedy hearing to divide assets between myself and my ex, I am so weary and tired, I could cry all day.

I have had very little sleep in the past week which does not help, my back hurts, my body is tired but my spirit is thankful for God’s mercies.

My heart is broken into countless little pieces with the horrific nightmare I find myself living with the end of my marriage and my ex’s inexplicable behaviour.

Even though the stress of the last few days and impending period, have been such that the scale does not show a weight I’d wish to be, I am so proud of myself this week because I haven’t resorted to pizzas and junk food like I did with the last court hearing and other divorce stress. I can’t promise that that will never happen, but I am thankful that I have felt the need for good food and lots of vegetables to cope with the stress, and not junk food.

This post isn’t a morose one to moan about my woes. It is a post of gratitude. As I write this, I am actually feeling completely overwhelmed by love.

I am overwhelmed by the love of a wonderful family, in particular, my darling mother and my wonderful three sisters. They are the rock that hold me up even when I feel like completely crumbling under the uncertainties, hurt and heartbreaks of the last 17 months.

I thank God for blessing me with a wonderful, close and loving family who always have my back.

I also thank God for the love and support of a few close friends who have an inkling of what I have been going through.

This lapsed Catholic, former convent girl and sinner always remembers God and finds comfort in Him when the chips are down. I am tired but I have faith. I have so many loved ones, priests, pastors praying for me as I go through the next court hearing, I am indeed very blessed.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

I get a lot of comfort from Psalm 23.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
For his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
For thine are with me;
 Thou rod and thou staff,
 Thou comfort me.

 Thou preparest a table before me
  In the presence of my enemies;
 Thou anointed my head with oil;
   My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
   All the days of my life,
And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    Forever, amen

1

Day 458: Thank You All for the Inspiration

I chose to have a planned two week break from my diet (more on all that another time) but I am back, with renewed vigour and inspiration to get to the end of this journey. I restarted the diet on Sunday, as planned.

I read about other people on the Cambridge diet losing gazillion amounts of weight in no time at all.

My journey is different.

I have sort of taken the scenic view with the diet, with so much emotional turmoil and changes in my life, I am fine with the fact that my journey will be more of a marathon than a sprint but I will get to my destination, that much I am certain.

I promise myself and every single person that has supported this diary, that come what may, no matter whatever else is happening in my life or however long it takes me, I will not stop until I get to an ideal weight that is right for me. That is no excuse though to mess around on this diet.

The plan is to concentrate in the next 5 months, and as much as I can, stick to the diet 100% and hopefully, finally, get to the end of this journey. If it takes me more than 5 months, I will keep going, that timeframe is not set in stone.

three tyres

Which brings me to what I’d like to say with this post…

I have received a lot of love and support through this diary and those that have contacted me on private emails and Facebook. See Contact for details.

You write to tell me how my diary inspire you but this is the thing, you all inspire me right back. 

You inspire me to keep going with this diet knowing that I owe it not only to myself but to all those who have invested their time, energy and even emotions following my quest, to succeed.

Your support inspire me to keep going. I feel like I have a world full of strangers propping me up to stay on my diet and to keep going.

ThankYou-InspireMe

I thank every one of you that follow this blog and in particular, those of you that take the time to share your thoughts. 

I wish to share a few comments.

This post will be endless if I share every single post that has warmed my heart but please know that your comments mean the world to me.

These are only a few to say thank you all for following my journey and inspiring me to keep going.

The kindness of strangers never cease to amaze me.

stranger

D

MAY 3, 2016 AT 4:50 PM | EDIT

Hi! I just read your entire blog in a day and a half. Thank you so much for writing this. I identify wit so much of what you have written. I’m struggling with weight issues and am on day 1 of the cambridge diet. This is so inspirational. Thank you for taking us on your journey. I look foward to keeping up with this blog. All the best to you! by D

Moremi

OCTOBER 21, 2015 AT 11:35 AM | EDIT

I am so proud of you. Most women would have given up and lets the woes of life eat them up but you have persevered. I started my Cambridge diet today and someone like yourself truly inspires me. So girl, I suggest you continue this journey, pick yourself up, look fly as hell and find love all over again. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER A MAN WHO IS WORTH YOUR TEARS WOULD NEVER MAKE YOU CRY IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

Sara C

MAY 14, 2016 AT 9:35 PM | EDIT

So, I suspect like many others, I happened upon your blogs when my usual forum support had gone a bit quiet and was looking for a bit of week 7 encouragement.
Instead I found myself reading your entire year’s worth of blogs, laughing, crying, gasping and sighing in turn. What a year you’ve had. And in spite of all the heartache you’ve stayed strong and achieved incredible weight loss. I’m literally in awe of you. Thank you for your thought provoking, heartbreaking and inspirational words.
Next time I’m feeling sorry for myself and craving toast, I’ll remind myself of your inner strength and determination.
Please keep blogging. I feel like I’ve found a new friend 😊😊

Kathia

MAY 14, 2016 AT 12:50 PM | EDIT

Congratulations! You are my inspiration. I recently had a baby and I gained some weight. So after 6 months I decided to start the cambridge diet. This is my first week and it is day 4, and I have lost 5.5lbs. It is hard but your blog will inspired me.
Thank You.

Livia

FEBRUARY 21, 2016 AT 7:28 PM | EDIT

You are a terrific writer and know how to totally engage your audience. I feel you and the drastic change to ur life. Hold on to the good memories and build better ones. Good luck.

Joanne

JANUARY 30, 2016 AT 8:27 PM | EDIT

Hi again…i was just googling first week of step 2 because on day 3 and 4 i was feeling awful, really weak and tired and dizzy and i wanted to see if it was normal and ur blog came up…it instantly gripped me like a really good book…u should actually write a book beacause ur an amazing writer! Im raging ive caught up to present day cause now ive nothin to read lol. I started at 11st 5lb on the 13th jan….so far ive lost 6lb and i want to b 9st 7lb but initially it was as an emergency as ive a trip to norway in 2 weeks and id gained 1st 5lb since august and didnt fit in anything! So get weighed again tues..fingers crossed for 3 more lb xx

Livia

FEBRUARY 7, 2016 AT 10:17 PM | EDIT

I love your blog. Your life is like a sad movie but yet you are living it and doing great. Stay positive always.

mich1975

JANUARY 22, 2016 AT 4:16 PM | EDIT

To go through what you’re going through and still not be giving up on a diet is beyond admirable- be gentle and kind to you, you’re weathering a ginormous storm. Which I have no doubt you’ll come out feeling stronger than ever. Your weightloss is an inspiration to me. I feel like coming right over and giving you the biggest hug ever. Keep on writing. For you, and selfishly for me. xxxxxx

Mycambridgedietsite

JANUARY 22, 2016 AT 10:34 PM | EDIT

Your success so far is amazing. I went to see this dietician once who was fantastic. She said to me that I had to remember that sometimes our body needs the comfort of the familiar when we are going through a particular period of stress and it is OK to eat those foods that bring you comfort and not feel guilty about it as long as you acknowledge it was for that point in time and you accept the impact and that you don’t let it influence you going forward. I know its easier said then done but I find it helps a little. Basically accept you needed it and don’t let guilt or disappointment derail you. Good luck I know its still a difficult time for you.

Livia

JANUARY 21, 2016 AT 11:25 PM | EDIT

Your story is such a beautiful one. In times of adversities God sends us helpers. You have lost the “love of your life”, but you have gained a lot more. You attract goodness because you are a good person. Your life is just beginning. Ehugs to the friend that stayed over, the young solicitor and others who made what could have been a bad day, okay. Keep forging ahead.

Jenxx

OCTOBER 21, 2015 AT 5:34 AM | EDIT

There will be sunshine and there will be rainbows hunny so stay focused on that.

Xx

Jane

OCTOBER 13, 2015 AT 2:05 PM | EDIT

Stumbled across your blog whilst looking for some CWP step 2 recipes. Sorry to hear of your marriage breakup earlier this year. I went through this 17 years ago when I was 37. After several years of struggling by, followed by a breakdown and a couple of years of seriously needed therapy I started to find ME! I am now almost 55, remarried to a wonderful guy (what I ever saw in the previous one I don’t know😉 ) I know myself and am very content, depsite being obese. I believe I’m now in a place to REALLY tackle my fat issues and wish you all the very best in your continuing weight loss and in healing the wounds that you are currently experiencing. Things really do get better, but you are the only one who can make that happen. Hang on in there girl! Warmest wishes x

Sandy

SEPTEMBER 17, 2015 AT 7:06 AM | EDIT

You are so brave.
I’m thinking of you.
Sending love and peace. Xx

Jen

SEPTEMBER 17, 2015 AT 12:56 PM | EDIT

So sorry to hear about your Mum. Hope she is recovering well

Your courage and resilliance to what is a horrid situation never ceases to amaze me. Look at the flowers and remember all the wonderful people that you have in your life. He will regret his decisions and she will live her life waiting for him to do the same to her

Stay strong

xx

Ani

SEPTEMBER 12, 2015 AT 7:39 AM | EDIT

You are that..a survivor and you will come out triumphant and stronger, a whole new person physically, mentally and emotionally. But your ex will still be that weak, coward, wimpy guy and you will look back and hit yourself for allowing him to get even a piece of you. He was just lucky you even loved him when he wasnt deserving of any. The thing is, he is the one who ran out of luck. Keep going, stay strong and beutiful.

Lekpa Wannabe

AUGUST 28, 2015 AT 8:23 PM | EDIT

This is such an amazing read. It’s clear to some of us that have followed your journey on this blog that you are so over your rat ex. You go girl! you deserve so much better than a cheating coward, fuck the divorce crap and just live life to the fullest

June

AUGUST 6, 2015 AT 9:36 AM | EDIT

Five years ago this was my life. Only I carried on with the food crutch so you are stronger than perhaps you realise. Just read this entire blog. Cried and laughed with you. Know you aren’t alone, know you are pushing others like me to be stronger (on the diet front in my case) and know it does (believe me I was the girl who used to ask my flatmate if we could sleep with our doors open because I thought I would die in the night from excessive crying or a bad panic attack. I had about three a night for best part of a year) it does…. Get better. Better than better. It becomes the best. You will find yourself in the best relationship ever …. One with yourself. X thanks for sharing your journey xx

Christine

JULY 6, 2015 AT 6:13 AM | EDIT

Brilliant x
I spent 5 years healing and getting to know me, I’m still learning 9 years on and MY heart comes first. I am in love with a man and it so different when you are truly loved back, but those single years are my foundation of loving me and I now know I’m a survivor and I’m stronger than I ever knew 😊 enjoy the next part of your life as you fall in love with yourself, sending heaps of blessings 💜

Fiona

JULY 3, 2015 AT 1:29 PM | EDIT

Well done hunni! So pleased to hear about your weight loss journey, you are doing really well especially through these tough times which shows what a strong cookie you are.

Hugs
Fiona
xx

Rose

JULY 3, 2015 AT 8:38 PM | EDIT

I can feel your pain love. But I just want you to remember to say something to yourself every time you find yourself being overwhelmed:

Say these powerful words to yourself and dwell on these words as you say it:

I thank whatever GODS may be
For my UNCONQUERABLE SOUL.
I AM THE MASTER OF MY FATE….
I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL…..

It is time for you to rise out of this pain and misery, and transform yourself into a beautiful butterfly. Sometimes you have to go through the deepest pain to come out on the other end…glorious and unconquerable…Because YOU are the captain of your soul!

Sending you my hugs love….

Sally Jenkins

JULY 3, 2015 AT 2:14 PM | EDIT

You wow me! You are such an inspiration. I have been overweight most of my adult life. A typical yo-yo dieter, everything stimulates my appetite. I eat to celebrate happiness, eat to wipe away the tears! I have tried all sorts of diets. I am happy I discovered your site; you will be my inspiration

Fifeemcg

JUNE 12, 2015 AT 7:28 PM | EDIT

Keep holding your head high and fighting as you are. You are an amazing soul xxx

Mary

MAY 7, 2015 AT 6:52 PM | EDIT

what on earth to say….

if you want the rainbow you’ve gotta put up with the rain??? nah that’s a shit one….,

hang on……rethink

‘if life gives you lemons, make lemonade’???? oh dear that’s even worse

one more… I’ve got it….

there’s plenty more fish in the sea?

seriously…. you have permission to ‘web stab’ me!!!!!!

I of course don’t mean any of these things but hope I may have bought a tiny chink of light and possible teeny weeny smile.

Deep dark times have no words of comfort written. Keep being you, writing, sharing and letting us in and keep being you ❤️

Austinkahuna

MAY 7, 2015 AT 9:51 PM | EDIT

You will survive. And this period will suck. I know how you are feeling and appreciate the honesty and emotion that you convey within your words. Thank you for expressing yourself so wonderfully. One foot in front of the other, that helped me quite a lot. Aloha to you