4

Day 342 – A Smile Slays All Kinds of Dragons

I survived court.

On the 15th anniversary of the day we met, my ex and I doggedly ignored each other. No acknowledgement of the other, no hellos, no eye contact, no forced little polite smiles, nothing but pure hatred and enmity.

S.A.D.

My young barrister with her 4 years experience is smart and held her own. My ex’s barrister with over 20 years experience was charming, fair, pragmatic and sensible. Unlike his ridiculous gutter solicitor connected with the sister of the woman he had an affair with, this experienced gentleman might hopefully bring a sensible head to the crap that had previously come from the other side.

I hope that the next hearing at the end of April will bring an end to this nightmare. I can only pray so, but only time will tell but I am resigned that this ends when it ends. If we have to wait for a final trial at the end of the year, so be it.

The judge also pronounced our decree nisi. My barrister had suggested this sensible, pragmatic approach of getting the judge at our FDA to pronounce a divorce nisi while the other side’s solicitor had been busy throwing a hissy fit, writing complaints to the court for the delay in the decree nisi and getting absolutely nowhere.

I did a happy dance immediately I left court because of the decree nisi. I am one pronouncement away from legally disentangling myself from this man.

beyonce-dance-happy-birthday-awesome

I am one step away from deleting his double barrel name from my life forever and ever. Never will I have to spell this name and be reminded of the owner who has hurt me beyond my worst nightmare.

It is very easy to dwell on the negatives of divorce but there are so many things to be grateful for, like having a wonderful supportive loving family. My mum and my sisters had prayed and fasted intensely for proceedings. My mum, a strong Catholic had also booked novena masses for me. I am extremely grateful and I am certain that God had a hand in some of the things that happened yesterday.

I am also extremely grateful for a few close friends who have been a rock and even old friends that have become close friends.

On Tuesday night, a friend I’ve known since secondary school, left her two children and spent the night at mine. On Tuesday night, we prayed together, praying again on Wednesday morning before court. We woke up at 6am on Wednesday to make our way together to court. She would come back home with me after court, for a late lunch before heading back home around 4.30pm.

She had taken a precious holiday from work to support me in court. I am so grateful that she would do that for me. This lady has been through a divorce from hell and has been a rock and a sensible head.

So…imagine my disgust when my arrogant ex asked to leave court because the judge was late for our appointed time and of course my ex is too important to wait for a judge.

I objected.

You’re not that important mister to leave the court we’ve both been summoned to attend, to return to your very important life, while I waited in court with this friend who had taken a day off work because of the mess he’s caused, plus a barrister and solicitor I was paying to stay there.

My ex, like us mere mortals, was forced to wait until our case was called and we had our day in court, as dictated by the court order we had both received.

mr important

But enough of all that. It’s done. More to do in the next couple of months and I will get on with it in due course. I need a long weekend away from divorce crap and I’m taking time off.

I am happy to report that I have been back on my diet since Tuesday. On Tuesday night, I made some sweet potato crisps from scratch for my friend. It was absolutely delicious. So perhaps next time I fancy crisps, instead of shop bought ones, I shall make my own with allowable Cambridge Step Three sweet potatoes or even new potatoes.

I don’t regret the diet coke and crisps angst.

I am not superwoman; it only means that I have not conquered the demons that mean I turn to food when I am overwhelmed by stress but I can’t begin to explain the unbearable stress I have endured the last week but I’m moving on from that and doing the best I can in difficult circumstances.

be gentle to yourself

Oh when I met my young solicitor yesterday (I used to have a partner manage my case day to day but I couldn’t afford her, hence the young lawyer she supervises) her first words in the excitable manner of the young:

“Oh my God. You look so young. Oh my God, I didn’t expect you to look so young. Your face. Your skin.” She had exclaimed.

We laughed and gossiped every time the barrister left the room. In one of our chats, she declared that I must find a boyfriend.

There is joy to be found in every situation we find ourselves.

joy courage

 

7

Day 337 – Sadness Overwhelms Me :-(

I am overwhelmed by profound sadness that in two days’ time, I will find myself in court facing my ex, his gutter solicitor and expensive barrister – exactly 15 years to the day we first met; Saturday, 20th January, 2001.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that 15 years later, this is where we are.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that my ex has spent over £11,000, so far, on legal fees on our divorce but has never for one day stated exactly how he thinks our assets ought to be divided. Nothing. Nada.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that my ex’s behaviour has forced me to spend over £10,000 on legal fees.

Jesus Christ. Over £21,000 wasted on fuck all, is a lot of money by anyone’s standards. If this case goes to a final trial like I expect it would, we would have spent 3 or 4 or 5 times that amount.

For what exactly? Absolutely no progress whatsoever.

I am overwhelmed by sadness that after 15 years, my ex would rather spend silly money on lawyers, force me to do the same, rather than settle our disputes like civilised and intelligent people ought to do.

This man that I loved unconditionally for 14.5 years thinks that this sorry state of affairs is the best way forward. Why?

But things are what they are and I just have to get on with it hopeful that this nightmare will one day end.

My diet has fallen by the wayside in the last few days. If I’m totally honest, I’m not too bothered about it and will not kick myself for doing whatever I need to do to get over the stress and sadness that seek to drown me.

I have never smoked or been much of a drinker; my limit has always been one or two glasses of red wine. Last night, in my sadness and angst, I wished I was a smoker, puffing away on endless sticks of cigarettes and drinking shots after shots of whiskey. Instead, I had diet coke, crisps and toasts. Perhaps not quite the tragic romance of puffing away on cigarettes and drinking whiskey but equally as destructive.

Please don’t write to tell me to stay on my diet, don’t let the bastard derail me, blah blah blah.

I know and I will sort it soon enough.

I won’t stress about the diet. I have other much more important things to stress about.

I absolutely cannot wait to see the end of this week.

I will not stop my diet until I reach goal weight, so will sort it out when my head is able to.

Just please, let me get over this nightmare week.

2

Day 330 – One Day at a Time…

Assuming it doesn’t snow and I find myself snowed in and incapacitated, in just over a week, I will find myself in a court of law fighting over finances with my ex who unfortunately remains my husband because even though he filed for divorce in June, I haven’t even been granted a decree nisi, let alone a decree absolute which will only happen after our finances are settled, however long that takes.

Following my discovery of my ex’s affair, sitting in the kitchen side by side, I told him that whatever happened in our marriage, whether it survived or not, we must be sensible and commercial, sit down like we were and sort out our finances. We both agreed that it would be stupid and senseless to go to court because the only winners would be lawyers and their fees.

I remain willing to settle my financial affairs out of court but it takes two to tango and I’m resigned to going to court for as long as it takes.

It is a sad state of affairs that my ex and I only communicate through lawyers; I have done my best to settle out of court.

I initiated financial mediation which my ex ended. I initiated an out of court offer for settlement which my ex rejected and refused to make a counteroffer.

Instead of a counteroffer, I got shit back like the knife this man has struck into my back isn’t deep enough; he needs to pull it deeper, twist the knife round and round, and find new and innovative ways to hurt me.

I still have absolutely no idea whatsoever how this man thinks our financial affairs ought to be settled because he has never said. Not for one single day.

But of course when you are stupid enough to invite other people with all sorts of ulterior motives into your marriage and into its dissolutions, you get to where I find myself; an ex who for whatever reasons best known only to him and the idiotic people he’s allowed into his life, think the best bet is to surrender the dissolution of our affairs to a court of law from which there would be no winners other than the lawyers’ coffers.

Everyday, I find new things that tell me that the person I loved for 14.5 years is long dead and in his place, is a complete stranger who has invaded his body.

Who is this person that has ignored a court mandated deadline given as far back as October? The man I loved was a sensible law abiding person who respected processes.

This arrogant piece of shit that ignores court mandated deadlines and instructs a gutter, dirty lawyer who doesn’t even have the professional courtesy to inform the other side’s lawyer of delays in meeting court deadlines, is a scumbag low life.

This person is a complete stranger to me and most definitely not the kind of company I would keep; and thankfully I don’t.

Yesterday, a friend told me how she and her ex sorted out their divorce settlement, getting a judge to rubber-stamp their agreement with praises from the judge; I envied her amicable divorce.

But things are what they are and I have no choice but to accept them and get on with it as best as I can.

This like any bad period of one’s life is only a phase; it will not last forever. It will last for as long as it lasts but not forever.

bruises

I’m staying on the diet…just.

My head even as I write this, is filled with thoughts of food and the comfort food brings but this is how I got to where I am, so I must try my best to resist. I felt proud of myself yesterday making endless coffees with biscuits, chocolates and crisps for my friend and chomping on my Cambridge bar.

My head was filled afterwards with thoughts of the yummy crisps I had served her, it still is; a little wouldn’t hurt but I know I wouldn’t stop at a little, I would eat the whole packet and hence prolong the vicious cycle of obesity.

temptation

One day at a time sweet Jesus.

2

Day 293: Week 42 Weigh-in – We need to talk about Christmas

This has been an extremely hard week.

Divorce sucks like nothing has ever sucked but I know this is only a phase which will pass.

The last couple of weeks have been spent completing the nightmare Form E and gathering countless documents in readiness for court imposed deadline.

Every bone in my body is shattered. My back aches. My legs ache. My hips ache. My emotions are totally drained.

On Wednesday, I had therapy. I was in good form, full of positive talk for the future. We made diary plans to ensure I have some psychological support from her to see me through the first financial court hearing in January. I have a wonderful therapist who I have been seeing since June. She has been exceptional in getting our sessions extended several times and now trying to make sure I continue to have ongoing psychological support through the stresses of court hearings next year.

Only 10% of divorce cases go through a third and final court trial where a judge imposes a final judgment. My ex is crazy, totally unreasonable and a zombie being controlled by repugnant idiots. I am resigned I will be one of the unlucky 10%.

Our divorce will probably make his mistress’ sister a partner in her divorce law firm for the generous business from my ex. A fool and his money…

Yesterday, I had a follow-up with a consultant psychiatrist. The mental torture of the end of my marriage and my ex’s repulsive behaviour (if you’re new to my blog, see my About Me section), had resulted in a breakdown. I am not ashamed to seek help or to admit that I have been on medication since then.

The consultant was extremely nice and sympathetic. She talked about the unfairness of my situation. She will update my GP accordingly. The nicer she was to me, the more I cried and cried and cried and cried.

I thought I was done crying.

In addition to the pills I was given earlier in the year, she tells me my mood is still low, that I’m depressed. She wants me on more medication than I’m already taking. She prescribes some anti-depressants that will increase the happy hormones serotonin, supress adrenalin, help me sleep better…

Mental health issues are difficult to discuss.

I think there is something about anti-depressants that gets to people. My mother had a major panic when I told her about the doctor’s visit. She immediately writes:

“Please don’t ever give in to depression. Anger, yes. Occasional sadness, yes. But depression. Please reject it in the name of all that is good.”

I admonished myself for worrying her, as if she hasn’t got enough worries.

One of my best friends responds:

“No, we just need to get you out having fun. You don’t need to take any of that shit.”

She invites me to another girlie night I had already declined and she is now planning for the girls to descend to mine in January.

If the mountain won’t come to Muhammed…

I ask my sweet sister, who  has been a rock about the specific medication. She’s a medical doctor. She calmly says:

“It’s okay. You could try it as people react in different ways. Everything will be alright my sister.”

I think if I’m honest with myself, the doctor is right about the anti-depressants and I hope they will help. I am more concerned that one of the side effects include weight gain but she had reassured me that it only increases appetite and if I don’t eat more, I won’t gain weight.

So in all of that drama, there is Christmas to think about. I still haven’t bought a single present.

In my pre-divorce life, Christmas was my absolute favourite holiday. This year, it fills me with dread.

I don’t want to think about 15 Christmases where my ex would overwhelm me with Christmas gifts like the picture below from last year.

He was certainly very generous when we were together. It’s a shame now he thinks it is entirely fine to pay me £0, while he keeps his City banker income all to himself.

2014-12-25 10.10.20

I don’t want to remember that last Christmas, I somehow managed to get 11 people to sit down in my home for Christmas lunch.

There were 6 people in my house last Christmas, who have been me for 15 Christmases and who I will most likely never see again in my entire life, except of course the ex, who I will be seeing in court hearings next year.

It is a very sad way to end a marriage.

2014-12-25 10.15.38

No, I don’t want to think about last Christmas.

But I really should think about this Christmas because this year, there will be three innocent kids in my home who haven’t done anything wrong.

There will be three young kids who will come with excitement to see their “fun auntie” and by God, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that she is still out there.

I owe it to them to make this the best Christmas I can muster.

It is not their fault that the shit hit the fan and it is unfair for them to think that life doesn’t move on and stay fun.

I promise myself that I will do whatever it takes, put on my big girls’ pants, suck it up like a fucking pro, fake it until I make it, to put on a happy show.

There will certainly be 99 times less presents this Christmas compared to Christmases past, (especially for me) but I make a silent promise to those kids there will be joy, laughter and lots of fun in my home this Christmas.

You know what, it’s not just about the kids; I owe it to myself and moving on to make it a brilliant Christmas.

a little girl

Week Forty Two’s Verdict: today’s weight 88.8 kg, week’s weight loss 0.8 kg (1.17 pounds); total weight loss; 35.6 kg; 78.3 pounds; 5 stones 8.5 pounds

2

Day 291 – Grumpy and Knackered

This week has been non-stop filled with crap. Last week too. I am so tired I could cry. And I did. A lot and a lot and a lot and some more.

One day, my life will be so full of joy and happiness that I am going to look back at this year and see it as a totally insignificant blip and a very very very lucky escape from a wholly forgettable being.

I promise.

Christmas? That deserves a post all by itself. I haven’t bought a single thing. I don’t want to think about it just yet. A few more days please. Pretty please but I promise I will embrace that joy oh joy. And it shall be fun, fun, fun.

I promise…maybe.

While am at it, how long is it going to take to get this bloody decree nisi?

I don’t even want to think of this person let alone having to keep uttering and spelling his double barrelled name, the first of which, no one else has ever heard of and I always have to spell several times.

God, I just can’t wait to erase from all my documents and revert fully to my maiden name.

In other news, yesterday, I could have killed for a takeaway. 

Same as the day before and today if I’m honest. Nothing hideous, I fancy some healthy Japanese but I will resist as it will definitely spike a weight gain.

Instead, I’ll make myself some boiled eggs and cucumber salad.

Oh and I might treat myself to another diet coke. I’ve lost count of how many of that poisonous crap I have consumed this week to get the caffeine kick.

I’ve also discovered the kick of an espresso.

Rock and Roll..

Pop a happy pill already. You know you want to.

happy-pills-1

 

4

Day 265: Week 38 Weigh-In – Heal Thyself

This has been a week of ups and downs on the life front but on the diet front, I have stayed firmly in my zone. The week’s weight loss is recorded below.

I am not going to stop this diet until I hit a healthy weight.

I may stumble and fall, but I will get there some day.

As life continues to present challenges, I surround myself with words that encourage me to believe that I will not only survive this horrendous period of my life but I shall thrive.

I am a survivor and not a victim.

My life will be filled with joy, happiness and fulfilment and not strive, anger, bitterness and negativity.

I will at least keep trying my best.

So here are some of the little notes I leave for myself on the kitchen Island.

A little bit of self-love and self-healing. Not in a narcissistic way…hopefully.

2015-11-05 12.00.19

2015-11-05 11.58.53

2015-11-05 11.59.09

2015-11-05 11.59.31

2015-11-05 11.59.54

2015-11-05 12.06.16

2015-11-05 12.07.45

Week Thirty Eight’s Verdict: today’s weight 88.2 kg, week’s weight loss 0.7 kg (1.54 pounds); total weight loss; 36.2 kg; 79.6 pounds; 5 stones 9.8 pounds

; Screenshot_2015-11-06-09-59-07

8

Day 247 – The Cycle of Grief Overwhelms Me

Last Friday, I wrote a very positive post about moving on.

Following that post, I decided to update the About Me section of this blog from the start of this weight loss journey where I wrote about wanting to lose weight for a 9th IVF cycle with “my wonderful husband” and the “love of my life”.

What total bollocks.

How is that love of my life crap working out for me?

Writing that update that doesn’t even list 1% of the incomprehensible cruelty I have faced from this man since he ended our marriage by email and engaged his mistress’ sister’s lawfirm for our divorce, triggered something and since then, I am back to feeling extremely angry with this scumbag.

Shit happens.

Marriages end. That’s fine.

If my husband had ended our marriage but had attempted to do the fair and decent thing by me instead of the incomprehensible and continuing cruelty and unreasonableness from him, I won’t be crying and writing this post.

I am so very angry at this man.

Angry that this scumbag sleeps easy and is happy to leave me with absolutely nothing after loving him, supporting him and helping to build him for over 14 years.

Angry that this spineless, psychopathic, serpent has lost all decency and is completely deluded from what is right or wrong.

Angry that this scumbag could not do the decent thing by someone that stood by him for over 14 years and instead, has chosen to invite these despicable, morally repugnant people he has known for two minutes into our lives; his mistress, her divorce lawyer sister and her law firm, who with his riches, he has on tap 24/7, to dictate what he should or should not be doing with the end of his marriage.

Angry that this scumbag has given this evil woman, not only my home address and the mobile phone number I have had since 1994, and that I had received a call on her behalf spurting her nonsensical crap.

Thanks Mylien for finally confirming your identity with that call.

Angry that he sleeps easily at night happy with his decision to pay £0 to me and towards a house he owns half of, and is demanding that I immediately sell, even though this has been my home for over 11.5 years, I have sunk my life savings into my home and have paid much more than he has.

Angry that this evil man demands evidence of facts he witnessed daily for over 14 years.

Angry that life moves on so easily for him, while I face unfathomable daily difficulties that completely overwhelm me.

Before I get any emails or messages telling me that I should get over the end of my marriage, forget my ex and move on, believe me, no one knows that more than I do.

I am doing my best because I know that anger eats you up.

It is also totally pointless being angry with a stone cold, emotionally dead, heartless scumbag who is busy enjoying his life and his riches and sleeping soundly at night while I stay awake fuming.

I do not want to stay angry with my scumbag ex.

I do not want to lose even a second of thoughts to this evil man or think about him for even a second.

I do not want to lie awake at night worrying about my life and fuming at his cruelty.

I do not want to think of the unfairness of this cruel situation that I have found myself in.

I do not want to cry myself to sleep.

I do not want to have anything negative in my life.

This is what it is and I am working on myself to keep positive and move on with my life as best as I can even though it is impossible to move on when I will not disentangle myself from this scumbag for another year.

Some days like today, the cycle of grief overwhelms me and it all seems so very impossible.

I have to have hope that there will be rainbow after the rainfall.

I have to have hope that there will be laughter and sunshine.