I have not written in my diary since May.
I’m not entirely sure why as I have a lot to report and yet, I’m just quietly getting on with life.
Thank you to those of you who have been in touch privately and to all of you who continue to follow me, even with months of silence. xx
Last week, a friend contacted me saying that she wanted to speak to someone who has been through a difficult divorce. My first thought reading her message was that this divorce thing has become an epidemic. I had only seen her two months ago at my party (see below). It looks like no one is immune from marriage breakdown or worse still, difficult ones.
I want to use this post to say to anyone who is going through a difficult relationship or marriage breakdown, bereavement or any sort of loss; this will hurt like nothing has ever hurt you.
You may feel the sort of emotional and even physical pain you have never felt before.
But the one thing that I can absolutely, hand on heart promise you, is that it will definitely get easier.
The end of my marriage was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. I felt debilitating emotional and physical pain, I did not even know were humanly possible to feel, let alone possible to survive.
Last year, June 5th, 2016, on what would have been my 12th wedding anniversary, I wrote my darkest post. That post caused a lot of upset, and reading it now, it still feels sad, but I felt the sort of somewhat detached sadness you feel reading about something that has happened to someone else. That is a massive growth.
Warning: may cause upset. For completion, you can read that post here, and its follow-up written just three days later.
This brings me to the main point that I would like to make. No matter how dark things may seem, even when you reach rock bottom like I did, things will definitely get better.
Last wedding anniversary, June 5th 2016, I wanted to die. I couldn’t see a way out from the emotional pain of my divorce, or the physical pain I was feeling.
A year later, June 5th, 2017, I genuinely did not even realise what day it was until I needed to check the date on some chicken, to put in the freezer. And even after I realised what day it was, I continued with my mundane tasks unperturbed.
Life feels like it has moved on and what better way to do so than to have a party?! 🙂
And so, in July, I had a belated birthday and divorce celebration party, putting an end to the whole sorry saga of the end of my marriage.
It was a truly magical night of music, food, cake, champagne, drinks, laughter and dancing into the early mornings in a marquee erected in the garden, complete with dancing floor, lights and smoke machine…why the hell not…:-)
I was surrounded by good friends and wonderful family, my mum, my sisters, niece and nephews.
On the afternoon of my party, I had the surprise of my life when my little sister flew in from where she lives overseas to attend my party. All my family, including my 7 year old nephew, knew she was coming to my party, and they all managed to completely hide it from me.
I sobbed like a baby when I saw her, but they were tears of joy.
After the party, my home was filled with flowers from friends.
The next day, I had the enviable task of opening a mountain of presents.
What a lucky girl I am.
I guess the whole night can be summed up by one song…
I will Survive, which followed my speech. There was a frenzy defiance of loud singing, dancing, and me, singing along with a microphone…as you do. I have watched the video of this part of the night countless times – the powerful feat of survival.
I will survive.
I have survived.
I am surviving.
I’m not saying that my life is now a bed of roses or that there are not challenges, even sometimes on a daily basis.
I’m not saying that I don’t get moments when I feel waves of sadness, not only that my marriage ended but that it ended in a way that I cannot even cherish the thoughts of the years with my ex given that by his own words, he was online dating and looking “for a way out” throughout our 14.5 years relationship.
Of course I’m sad that the way my marriage ended means that there has been zero contact between my ex and I since November 2016, when we concluded the withdrawal of his ridiculous case for the Mac computer, we used to share.
Of course I feel sadness that my marriage ended as no one gets married intending it to fail.
I feel sadness that I invested 14.5 years of my short life on a man I cannot even text in an emergency, and yet, I have somehow managed to stay friendly with all other significant exes, including a violent, abusive ex, who had the grace to apologise sincerely for his actions.
Of course I feel sad that the last time I saw my ex, he excused all his bad behaviour as acting under “legal advisement” and blatantly did not recognise just how badly he had behaved, let alone deem it fit to render an apology for his actions.
But I am well adjusted, positive and I am not bitter about the past.
I do not need an apology from my ex to continue to rebuild my life nor do I need an explanation for why he really behaved like he did.
I’m not the first woman lied to, betrayed, hurt or devastated by a man she trusted implicitly, and I won’t be the last.
I am most definitely a better and stronger person than I was during my marriage. I recognise strengths and growths in my life that certainly were not there before.
I am also very excited and a little daunted about a new project that I start in exactly two weeks. Perhaps one day, when I can, I will write more about it. If it works, it will certainly be life changing. But however it pans out, I am very proud of myself for being brave enough to embark on a journey that would take me through uncharted and uncertain territories.
I am proud of myself for making things happen.
I am proud of myself for not allowing the end of my marriage to be the end of my dreams.
I am proud of myself…and it’s OK to remind myself of that fact.
And like my fabulous cake says, Life is For Living! The best is yet to come…