4

This Divorced and Childless Woman’s Mother’s Day

Life is a funny old one.

What do you do on Mother’s Day when you are divorced/single and childless, and the whole world seem hell bent on celebrating their children?

This year, like I do most years, I decided to concentrate on the positive fact that I am lucky enough to have a wonderful mother who is still alive. I think of my friends who have lost their mums and I reach out to them to show some love. The day would usually pass without much drama or sadness. It is what it is.

This Mother’s Day, I had gone to bed late on Saturday night or should I say Sunday morning (2.48am bad, bad, bad, bad girl!) and around 9am on Sunday morning, in that dreamy/wakey/confused state, my door bell rang. I sleepily went to the video intercom and I could see a lady.

“I’ve got flowers.” With my eyes half closed, I couldn’t really make out the figure on the video screen.

“Flowers?” I answered sleepily as if she had just declared that she was dropping an alien from outer space on my doorstep.

“I’ve got flowers for xxxx xxxx.” My local florist said, saying my full name.

My scrabbled brain tried to decipher what on earth she was on about. My brain worked overtime trying to figure out who on earth could be sending me flowers. Various names flashed through my head and just as quickly, I discarded them. Could it have been the man I went on the date on Friday who I did not intend to see again? But he didn’t know my full name. And why on earth would he be sending me flowers? Stalker alert. Who on earth could it be from? I knew no one. I had no one. There was no one. This is odd.

“Could you please leave it on the porch?” I informed the florist whose van I could see on my video screen.

I sleepily went downstairs to the porch with the gait of a special agent about to solve the crime of the century. I would have to be extremely careful with this package. It clearly wasn’t some sort of assassination attempt as I recognised both the florist and her van. Then again it could be.

And there it was.

The most beautiful bunch of flowers I have received in longer than I can remember.

Flowers 2018

I reached for the card attached to the side. It read:

Happy Mother’s Day to our second mum.

Thank you for always being there for us.

We love you.

X Y and Z.

The flowers were from my nephews (aged 16 and 18) and my niece (aged 13)

Flower card 2018

These precious, most adorable, super awesome, generous, kind, sweetest kids have spent money they don’t have to send their auntie, a most gorgeous hand tied, bunch of flowers, timed to be hand delivered on Mother’s Day, with the increased premium.

The overwhelming gratitude and love I feel for these kids, and to my sister for raising such generous, kind, thoughtful kids, is more than I can express on this post.

I am very blessed indeed.

 

 

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0

Life is for Living! My best is yet to come…

I have not written in my diary since May.

I’m not entirely sure why as I have a lot to report and yet, I’m just quietly getting on with life.

Thank you to those of you who have been in touch privately and to all of you who continue to follow me, even with months of silence. xx

And thank you for all your support of my Instagram page. Please feel free to keep sharing.

http://www.instagram.com/belleslowcarbworld/

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Last week, a friend contacted me saying that she wanted to speak to someone who has been through a difficult divorce. My first thought reading her message was that this divorce thing has become an epidemic. I had only seen her two months ago at my party (see below). It looks like no one is immune from marriage breakdown or worse still, difficult ones.

I want to use this post to say to anyone who is going through a difficult relationship or marriage breakdown, bereavement or any sort of loss; this will hurt like nothing has ever hurt you.

You may feel the sort of emotional and even physical pain you have never felt before.

But the one thing that I can absolutely, hand on heart promise you, is that it will definitely get easier.

The end of my marriage was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. I felt debilitating emotional and physical pain, I did not even know were humanly possible to feel, let alone possible to survive.

Last year, June 5th, 2016, on what would have been my 12th wedding anniversary, I wrote my darkest post. That post caused a lot of upset, and reading it now, it still feels sad, but I felt the sort of somewhat detached sadness you feel reading about something that has happened to someone else. That is a massive growth.

Warning: may cause upset. For completion, you can read that post here, and its follow-up written just three days later.

This brings me to the main point that I would like to make. No matter how dark things may seem, even when you reach rock bottom like I did, things will definitely get better.

Last wedding anniversary, June 5th 2016, I wanted to die. I couldn’t see a way out from the emotional pain of my divorce, or the physical pain I was feeling.

A year later, June 5th, 2017, I genuinely did not even realise what day it was until I needed to check the date on some chicken, to put in the freezer. And even after I realised what day it was, I continued with my mundane tasks unperturbed.

Life feels like it has moved on and what better way to do so than to have a party?! 🙂

And so, in July, I had a belated birthday and divorce celebration party, putting an end to the whole sorry saga of the end of my marriage.

It was a truly magical night of music, food, cake, champagne, drinks, laughter and dancing into the early mornings in a marquee erected in the garden, complete with dancing floor, lights and smoke machine…why the hell not…:-)

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I was surrounded by good friends and wonderful family, my mum, my sisters, niece and nephews.

On the afternoon of my party, I had the surprise of my life when my little sister flew in from where she lives overseas to attend my party. All my family, including my 7 year old nephew, knew she was coming to my party, and they all managed to completely hide it from me.

I sobbed like a baby when I saw her, but they were tears of joy.

After the party, my home was filled with flowers from friends.

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The next day, I had the enviable task of opening a mountain of presents.

What a lucky girl I am.

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I guess the whole night can be summed up by one song…

I will Survive, which followed my speech. There was a frenzy defiance of loud singing, dancing, and me, singing along with a microphone…as you do. I have watched the video of this part of the night countless times – the powerful feat of survival.

I will survive.

I have survived.

I am surviving.

I’m not saying that my life is now a bed of roses or that there are not challenges, even sometimes on a daily basis.

I’m not saying that I don’t get moments when I feel waves of sadness, not only that my marriage ended but that it ended in a way that I cannot even cherish the thoughts of the years with my ex given that by his own words, he was online dating and looking “for a way out” throughout our 14.5 years relationship.

Of course I’m sad that the way my marriage ended means that there has been zero contact between my ex and I since November 2016, when we concluded the withdrawal of his ridiculous case for the Mac computer, we used to share.

Of course I feel sadness that my marriage ended as no one gets married intending it to fail.

I feel sadness that I invested 14.5 years of my short life on a man I cannot even text in an emergency, and yet, I have somehow managed to stay friendly with all other significant exes, including a violent, abusive ex, who had the grace to apologise sincerely for his actions.

Of course I feel sad that the last time I saw my ex, he excused all his bad behaviour as acting under “legal advisement” and blatantly did not recognise just how badly he had behaved, let alone deem it fit to render an apology for his actions.

But I am well adjusted, positive and I am not bitter about the past.

I do not need an apology from my ex to continue to rebuild my life nor do I need an explanation for why he really behaved like he did.

I’m not the first woman lied to, betrayed, hurt or devastated by a man she trusted implicitly, and I won’t be the last.

I am most definitely a better and stronger person than I was during my marriage. I recognise strengths and growths in my life that certainly were not there before.

I am also very excited and a little daunted about a new project that I start in exactly two weeks. Perhaps one day, when I can, I will write more about it. If it works, it will certainly be life changing. But however it pans out, I am very proud of myself for being brave enough to embark on a journey that would take me through uncharted and uncertain territories.

I am proud of myself for making things happen.

I am proud of myself for not allowing the end of my marriage to be the end of my dreams.

I am proud of myself…and it’s OK to remind myself of that fact.

And like my fabulous cake says, Life is For Living! The best is yet to come…

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4

Day 610 – From the mouth of babes…Instagram It.

Please join me on Instagram and please share the link with anyone who might be interested in healthy lunch or dinner ideas.

I only post pictures of meals I cook, which are all healthy, low carb, low calorie meals suitable for most diets including Step 2 Cambridge, Dukan, Atkins, Ketogenic diets, clean eating, low carbing etc.

https://www.instagram.com/belleslowcarbworld/

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Yesterday, I spent nearly 5 hours in the company of two delightful boys, one is 7 and the other is 5.

We baked shortbread biscuits and a two layered vanilla birthday cake, with buttercup frosting, complete with birthday messages and candles, after which we invited their parents and 5 month old brother to join our little tea party.

I did not even have a teeny weeny piece of cake.

This is a first.

Ever.

There is hope for me yet.

birthday-cake

At one point, the 5 year old declared that I was his best “Belle.” His mum tells me this is the height of his compliments.

At another point, he said:

“Mummy said you’re separated from your husband and you are no longer friends. You have two new friends, X and Y.” He proclaimed, naming his brother and himself.

That comment nearly moved me to tears. I gave both of them a high five, a kiss and a cuddle.

He also declared that I had the nicest kitchen in the whole wide world.

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Isn’t it just amazing how kids can make everything seem so easy and uncomplicated?

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Since the last time that I wrote, the transfer of equity of my beautiful home into my sole name has completed. I looked at the title deed with my full name on it, with tears of joy, so much pride and immense gratitude that I have come out of my nightmare with a clean break and with my home as mine.

Just over a week ago, I finally deleted my ex ‘s phone numbers and that of his mum and sister from my contact list. The time was right and it felt good to have that firm closure.

But…things are not completely over.

My ex is still continuing with his ridiculous and crazy stance of taking me to court to fight over a previously jointly used mac computer which is over three years old and which I have been using alone since he left in April 2015.

The fact that this man is going ahead with this utterly ridiculous case tells me that his madness has not waned. His ludicrous barrister, with over 20 years experience, had demanded half a day of a busy Central London court, the busiest family court in the country, to talk shit about this computer.

The court has allocated 5 minutes instead of the demanded half a day.

Oh and for this laughable case, we are both required to prepare like a real case, exchange witness statements, evidence and all sorts.

I have been told to be prepared to be totally lambasted by an angry judge for this stupid matter coming to court but so be it. 

I look forward to a fun trip to Central London after which I will meet a friend for dinner and have a laugh.

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In other news, I am still doing well in my diet.

I am also using my gym and in the last couple of weeks, have decided to weigh once a week instead of my previous obsession of weighing two or three times daily.

2

Day 228 – Winter is Coming!

This morning, I woke up with back pain so severe, I could have given my right arm for someone to rub my back…and the other arm for a chance to lie in bed.

OK maybe not quite my right arm or my left arm. I need both arms.

I digress.

My back has been so painful all week and there is little I can do about it.

I would cherish the luxury of lying in bed resting it but when you’re on your own, that is a luxury that is not always possible. I had things to do, people to attend to like gardeners who come once a fortnight and so I dragged myself from bed, got washed, dressed and carried on.

If you’re a fan of Game of Thrones, you’ll understand the reference to winter is coming.

If you’re not, you are missing out.

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I have to do one of Jon Snow.

I can’t help myself.

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I am terrified of being on my own over the winter months for reasons that I cannot explain right now other than to say that once the snow and ice set in, I will effectively be trapped indoors until they sufficiently thaw.

I do not know what I will do when winter comes but like the song says, one day at a time, sweet Jesus. 

So dragging my excruciatingly painful back around this afternoon, I had a task to attend to.

Many of the radiators including bathrooms and my bedroom haven’t been producing sufficient heat and so I tackled the completely new task of trying to bleed the radiators.

First task was trying to find a radiator key given that in 11.5 years in my home, it was something I had never done before.

I was exhausted by the wasted energy before I finally found a key.

Second task was bleeding the radiators with a little container to collect water and then disaster struck. Gushing water that would not stop from the first radiator I tried to bleed. In my defence, there was no hissing sound of air, just straight to water and I deliberated whether I was meant to gather the water. Duh.

Note to self: Google Google Google before undertaking new tasks.

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I’m glad to report that after that disastrous start, I have managed to bleed all radiators in this four bedroom house; well except two covered with Victorian radiator covers.

Nope, I won’t even attempt removing those covers.

I know my limits…

But I have another one to add to new skill sets.

I can bleed radiators.

Job done.

9

Day 140 – I will have to be enough…for me.

I’m that girl that always “needed” to have a man in my life.

I am 42 years old and I have been in relationships since I was 20 years old. I went immediately from a short relationship when I was 20, to a 6 year relationship, followed immediately by another short emotionally intense and mind-blowingly passionate relationship and then 14 years with my soon to be ex-husband.

The old me would have signed up to dating websites or wherever you meet single men these days, the day in February, I found out about my husband’s emotional affair. By now, I would have been firmly established in another no doubt unsuitable relationship, with the man fully labelled as a significant other. That relationship would have been doomed even before it had even started, given my current state of mind and the pattern of repetitive behaviour, I have only now accepted, which mean that I am drawn to the wrong men, even though I had thought my ex was the complete opposite in looks, virility and values to the men I dated in the past.

I need to work on myself to avoid repeating past mistakes.

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This time, I will not jump into another relationship, not now, probably, not ever.

I will never marry again nor live with any man ever again.

I will never allow another man to come into my life, share my life, get emotionally attached, become dependant on him or give him the ability to hurt and devastate my life. Nor would any man ever know everything about my life like my ex did, every single thing that mattered, and thereby acquire plenty of ammunition to hurt me, should he turn out to be yet another wrong one.

I thought I was smart and streetwise but what a naïve, trusting fool I was.

As clichéd as it might sound, this divorce is my chance to re-discover myself, re-discover who I used to be, get strong and healthy, allow myself to grieve properly for as long as it takes, heal properly, discover new interests, new things, new people, new joys and to stand by myself, without ever becoming emotionally, mentally, financially or physically dependent or connected with another man.

I have had my share of so called soul mates and loves of my life. I will be my own soul mate and the love of my own life.

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I will have to be enough for myself in the future. I will embrace singlehood. I will embrace independence. I will embrace never ever giving any man power over me, ever again.

I will embrace loneliness remembering that you can live with someone and yet be the loneliest woman alive when you become insignificant because they are stuck in their own little planet, distracted by chasing greener grasses.

This weight-loss quest is the beginning of my self love. It is the beginning of finding myself and the fit, beautiful, slim, happy person that I have always meant to be.

One fine day in the future (however long that takes), when the hurt and heartbreak have sufficiently healed and I have finally, legally untangled myself from my ex, I shall celebrate the birth of my life as Ms Belle – who is just fine on her own.

It doesn’t mean that I am now a man hater or that my male friends have all suddenly grown devilish horns.

And it most certainly doesn’t mean that I will be giving up on sex. Fuck no. When the time is right, I have 14 years of bad or no sex to make up for!

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