Day 363: Be My Valentine?

I am nearly one full year from the day that I started the low calorie, low carb, Cambridge diet Step 2, eating 810 calories.

I have now lost nearly 6 stones.

I will forever be proud of the fact that when humongous shit hit the proverbial fan, instead of drowning in food like I have done all my life, I elected to change the narrative and stayed on a diet that I had only started a week before my life as I knew it, changed forever.

It hasn’t been a perfect weight loss story, far from it.

I have succumbed to stress and food various times throughout the year, but no one said it would be an easy journey especially going through an unexpected, volatile and toxic divorce.

The important thing is that I have persevered. I promise myself and everyone that follows this diary that I will not quit trying until I get to goal weight.

winners don't quit

This last year has shown me parts of myself that I didn’t even know existed.

I have grown in ways I didn’t know were possible. I have achieved things I didn’t know I could.

I have found strength mentally, that I didn’t know I had.

I can’t claim that I have ever been one for self loathing, quite the opposite. But this last, year, modesty apart, has shown me that I am quite an extraordinary person.

I am worthy of great things.

I am a good person.

I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy with the person that looks back at me.

I can look at myself, ditch modesty and say, you know what, you are a beautiful woman inside and outside. You deserve the best and your best is yet to come.

beautiful strong

This will be the first Valentine’s Day since 1994, yes, 22 consecutive years that I haven’t had a significant other who would send me cards, flowers and presents, professing love.

But I am good with that.

It is very OK.

For the first time in my life, I realise that my long held view that I don’t do single life, that I am one of those women who can’t be on my own, that I need a man in my life to complete me, is a fallacy.

Right now, I cannot see myself ever doing the whole relationship and love thing.

I have been hurt beyond my worst nightmares.

If my marriage and my unshakeable belief in the solidness of that relationship could end like it has, or the person that I had loved more than I had ever loved any man in my entire life, could end like this, I do not trust my own judgment nor do I trust any man.

Nor would I ever want to give anyone that much power ever again to hurt me.

But forever is a long time.

I am perfectly happy with my single life and whilst I haven’t given up on sex (far from it) there are ways of having safe, healthy and respectful sex without inviting a man into my heart.

It does not mean that I no longer believe in love or happily ever after or that I don’t wish those in relationships the very best of luck. It’s just not a fairytale I see for myself.

I am still the die hard romantic that I have always been. 

I still watched the end of War and Peace with the biggest smile ever. I’m not ashamed to say that on Sunday night, I rewound that last scene three times with that smile firmly on my face.

heart proud

And if some day, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years time, I wake up and decide that I wanted to share my life with another man again, I would not fight it or allow the toxicity of 2015 to stop me from loving again or doing whatever I wanted.

So, tomorrow, there will be no romantic cards professing undying love.

There will be no heart shaped expensive chocolates to stuff my face with.

There will be no three course dinners with champagne to celebrate love.

There will be no man looking at me and declaring undying love.

But that is perfectly fine.

My tomorrow will still be filled with love.

It will be filled with the love for myself that makes me strive to be the best that I can be.

It will be filled with love that means that I will stay firmly on my diet and keep striving to lose my excess weight.

And more importantly, it will be filled with the unwavering and unconditional love of my family.

My weight has been the same for the last two weeks. This morning, my body gave me an early Valentine’s Day present by losing 1.3 kg (2.86lbs) in one day.

As of today wearing my PJ and not the official weigh-in day outfit, I am 86.4 kg. I do not remember the last time I was 86.4 kg. 

If I lose two more pounds, I will be a weight that I haven’t been since I was a teenager.

Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone who reads this diary. May you have love, peace and every happiness.

82 pounds